Does anyone else feel like this with t?

[Nose]

I honestly have a very secure trust with current T and right now feel like shes the only one who genuinely cares about me. I have noticed time and time again that people like to be "superficial" in relationships- just the culture and do pleasantries like "how are you" fine and you? You know the drill... anyways several weeks ago I was having a hard time and I actually texted my T and she gave me support and then the next day told me she was really concerned about me. This just meant so much to me and honestly felt very foreign to be valued, cared for, and actually taken seriously and validated like that. So I actually find myself wanting to go down a dark path such as continue self harming, SI, etc... just so my T could tell me shes concerned. I know this is wrong and kind of f*cked up. I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way? It's just so nice to actually feel like someone cares for me with no strings attached...

 

[Alom]

Yes but you know, your T will still care as much about you if you aren't self harming too, you should talk to her about it :hug:

 

[Nose]

I don't know if I could talk to her about the way I feel...I'd feel too embarrassed and I would be afraid that she would then misinterpret everything I would say from here on out as manipulative/overdramatic which isn't who I am at all... I know this does sound very manipulative but, that's not who I am...I just want to be shown that someone care about me and right now shes it...I feel like which is sad since I'm paying her to care about me? idk..

 

[Como]

I have felt like this, so you're not alone. I avoid doing these things for this reason but when she does worry....I feel like I am being taken seriously and it feels good she cares. So I odo get it. You don't sound manipulative at all or overdramatic. It sounds like she is giving you care and a connection you need that isn't being met elsewhere in your life. Your feelings are totally understandable

 

[Nose]

That you for your kind reply and validation- thank you!

 

[Araba]

When you're coming from a place where people have abused your trust, finding a person who you genuinely trust is huge. So they way you feel with your T is incredibly normal. It's important to remember though, you don't have to work to hang on to that trust. Your T is going to be there for you, even when you're improving. Letting yourself have positive experiences, allowing yourself to move into the strange new world where you're doing ok, really well even, and being able to have your T with you through that process is really fulfilling. So you don't need to keep yourself sick to protect that relationship. You'll very quickly ack yourself into a corner where staying unwell is the only way you know how to move forward.

Perhaps switch the focus when you're working with your T to how you go about building more solid connections with others. That's important not just because it makes life more fulfilling, but also because we need a bigger support network than just one person. Relationships start off superficial, and many relationships will stay superficial - that's all they'll ever be. And that's ok. The good thing is that when we persist with the superficial, at some point we look around and realise that some of the people who were only ever just superficial friends? Have become much more important to us than that.

That's a scary prospect, because letting people become more than just someone we say hi to in passing makes us vulnerable to be hurt again. But the reality is that as we recover, we get better and better at managing our relationships and keeping ourself safe so that our relationships become positive rather than abusive. We get fussy about who we let in, who we rely on. It's a slow part of the recovery process, but probably one of the most important parts. So don't give up on it.

In the meantime, rest assured that how you're currently feeling is incredibly normal. It speaks well for your recovery that you have the insight to be able to recognise this:)

 

[Nose]

You'll very quickly back yourself into a corner where staying unwell is the only way you know how to move forward.

Wow- this is def. how I feel...I have started to feel a lot better due to the antidepressant and it does almost feel unnatural and foreign.

Perhaps switch the focus when you're working with your T to how you go about building more solid connections with others.

Yes.. I prob. do need a lot of work in this area... I don't know what "normal" is in a lot of situations due to my experiences... due to this I have been abused and used and sadly I must say I feel like I used to be rather manipulative and I didn't even realize it at the time

because letting people become more than just someone we say hi to in passing makes us vulnerable to be hurt again.

Yes... definitely maybe I am at fault then maybe I keep my relationships superficial on purpose idk? I don't know how to build deep relationships- even in a dating "relationship" I avoid emotional intimacy like the plague- with females I have no problem opening up at all but, I say everything about my past with little emotion I think I do the same thing with offering empathy- I really do care but, I am so compartmentalized/disassociated maybe due to little shock/emotion/etc...I come off at apathetic?

Thank you! You have given me a lot to think about and discuss with T.

 

[Ravija]

You're not at fault for anything, it's just new and, like you said, all pretty foreign. Being able to even sustain superficial relationships can be hard work when we're learning from scratch, so maybe cut yourself a bit of slack;)

 

[Ica]

This certainly is familiar to me. Like, all of it.
I recognize the wanting T to be concerned, needing to be unwell in order to be cared for, the fear of being seen as manipulative... Yes yes yes, that´s me!
I find it remarkable that when I read your descriptions of those things they didn´t seem shameful to me. Whereas when I contemplate on my own versions of those things I almost drown in shame. It all feels so f*cked up! But, when someone else talks about these things it suddenly all makes sense.
About the wanting to continue self harming in order to keep your T concerned: as I said, I so relate to that. I´ve come to the conclusion that different kinds of pain try to communicate by different means. For example, if I´m worried about my projects or the relationship with my spouse I can go to the missus and talk about that. But when I´m in the middle of a trauma memory, flashback, feelings of abandonment... that kind of shit, then it´s a whole different ball game. That I can´t express verbally. It just doesn´t work. Or if I managed to utter those words, the emotions are somewhere else (or out of hand) and I don´t get the feeling of being heard. With some emotions the only way to communicate them seems to be a non-direct one. And oftentimes it is through self harming and getting caught.
So, I tend to see it as a question of means of communicating. All of the options simply aren´t available for all of the distresses to be communicated. Ideally, they would be. And, of course, I´m working towards that. But in the meantime I have to use the communication pathways that actually are available. Because, I don´t think it would be a good idea to not communicate those really important things at all.

Does any of this make sense?

 

[Nose]

@Ica thank you for your post I really appreciate it! I'm glad others can relate- I did get back into self harming however, not due to T just due to overwhelming emotions/memories/depression. However, when I told my T about the self harm in session last week I didn't think her reaction was strong enough so, I actually brought the conversation back to the self harm saying I was concerned and scared for myself blah blah blah just to try to initiate a reaction. How f*cked up is that? Now I'm trying not to self harm anymore but, I find myself wanting to just to keep my T concerned like....it is so hard to explain but, like almost like I want to be her neediest client. I need her to care about me and honestly this is a pattern for a good majority of my life I never got any care/concern for anything unless I went to an extreme... I just don't know what to do should I talk to her about these feelings or would that be stupid? I just feel like I'm being so manipulative.. I just need someone to care

 

[Uzo]

A form of Munchausen?

 

[Nose]

what? are u serious?