Does anyone else feel like this with t?

[Nose]

...no first of all I really do suffer from self harm urges, depression, and PTSD.... so how could this be manchausen? I'm sorry but I find this remark to be extremely offensive

 

[Kako]

@nose, is it possible you have a personality disorder? Or, are you CPTSD?

And I couldn't quite tell - have you told your therapist about the need/want to get her to take things more seriously? Or I guess I could say, your craving for her concern?

 

[Dacuba]

That is my point. You have suffered. You have lived through trauma. No need to cause more trauma to have her care. Sorry I hurt your feelings. Just wanted you to think about why you would want to hurt yourself. When she already cares.

 

[Apuf]

I actually find myself wanting to go down a dark path such as continue self harming, SI, etc... just so my T could tell me shes concerned. I know this is wrong and kind of f*cked up. I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way? It's just so nice to actually feel like someone cares for me with no strings attached..

Your feelings make total sense to me. It doesn't sound wrong or f'd up at all to want to do something you feel will bring care and concern from someone else. Its a normal human need to want to feel loved, cared for, and valued! And if the only time you felt it was when you said something that caused someone concern, of course you would feel the desire to do it again. So, you are totally normal.
That being said, your therapist cares about and is concerned about you already, and doesn't need you do or say anything harmful about yourself in order to keep caring. As you heal, you'll find that people love you just for who you are, and you don't need to be in distress in order to warrant that care. Keep working with your T and you'll get to the point where you can feel that love and concern from others all the time.

 

[Nose]

@Kako I don't have a personality disorder that I am aware of and I consider myself as CPTSD most likely although not officially diagnosed, def. have PTSD though but, I have been through various trauma. I haven't told my T about this desire for craving her concern that I guess was my main question...is this something I should discuss with her?

@Dacuba well this is just very complicated and I'm not sure I made myself clear previously so I apologize. I do struggle with self harm in and of itself- not solely because I want her to care but, I realized that I liked her concern/caring for me during this. but...at the same time I have a huge motivation for needing to get out of T ASAP- I'd rather not discuss this because its very unique and i'd rather not give my identity away just in case. It's an awful cycle and problem I have found myself in....even in my previous marriage. I feel like I don't know how to get people to understand the pain I'm in without actually going to an extreme or threatening an extreme...this is a VERY ingrained behavior I am realizing due to never getting medical attention or any care or concern for any of my problems unless I went to an extreme...speaking about ur feelings in a calm voice really didn't get any response at all...so from a very young age I was trained in order to get validated at all I had to go to an extreme...and then I was labeled as dramatic by the same people who don't care at all unless I am dramatic?? I'm just a mess...

 

[Nose]

@Apuf thank you for your kind words! Do you think I should discuss these thoughts with my T then?

 

[Fedi]

A form of Munchausen?

Self harming/Abusing yourself -or someone else (MBP)- for attention can be a symptom of many disorders. Or none at all. It's "just" a behavior. Like isolating is a symptom or behavior. Taken purely on their own, neither is enough to even begin to diagnose FD/MBP or PTSD.

...no first of all I really do suffer from self harm urges, depression, and PTSD.... so how could this be manchausen?

There are 2/4 forms of Munhausens / Factious Disorder. Abusing yourself or someone else for attention is one form, faking it is another form.

People tend to think that Munchausens is faking it/lying, and Munchausens by Proxy is actual abuse... but that's wrong / only half the story. Some parents never abuse their children, they "just" lie about "what's happening" with their children for attention; and some people never lie or fake it for a moment, but are very much abusing themselves for attention.

As I said above to Uzo, though, that's just a behavior... And it can be a part of a LOT of different disorders. For different reasons. With PTSD it's more likely to be a form of trauma reenactment (abusing yourself now, for the attention you didn't get during your abuse back then), but that's not the only possibility by a long shot! Similarly? When you look at the same behavior under the lens of other disorders (Borderline, GAD, Major Depression, PPD, Anorexia, Munchausen by Proxy, etc.) there will be other other reasons it's there/being used, as well as other ways to treat it.

Which also means I very strongly urge you to discuss it with your therapist. Whether it's trauma reenactment, or something completely different, it's a challenge you're struggling with. And that's what therapists are there, for! To help you with challenges you're struggling with.

Hint : I would ALSO bring up your fear of mentioning it, because being afraid that someone will stop being nice to you when you need help is as big a deal as being willing to hurt yourself so someone will be nice to you.

 

[Nose]

@Fedi thank you-I think I will bring it up I'm just so nervous that she is going to look at me differently.

 

[Rohu]

@Apuf thank you for your kind words! Do you think I should discuss these thoughts with my T then?

Yes, I would if it were me. And if he/she is a good T, they won't think any less or any differently about you, they'll totally understand, especially if you explain it like you did here. Good luck!