People wont always like you

[Rani G2]

You can't loose your selfworth if people don't like you.

Same old problem, so needing insights again.

I find it hard to accept situations where I am sorrounded by people who are not giving me the attention. Its less attention seeking more, if I feel someone is just not interested, or even has no need to be "friendly" with me.

Then again, a part of me thinks that the part of me that wants to be "good" with people is weak. So there is a pride based identification there.

When I "think"(how can I really know? You can't) someone is distant I feel threatend, so I feel the need to repair it, or correct it. I dont always do anything, but the urge is there


How Do you deal with this?

 

[The Albatross]

To have a thought or some thoughts is one thing.... but giving into feelings without evidence is something else. It's still expecting something from people that you feel you want/need/desire or maybe deserve and feeling disappointed.

It's really hard to bust out of a mindset/behavior when you're interest is what people can do for you. People aren't gumball machines.

In some recovery circles... to turn away from the behavior... you turn/choose/decide and do the opposite... being the change you'd like to receive from others. But you have to really commit to it and hobble expectations.

Neediness, insecurity, wanting from others rather than self actualizing and providing for yourself and approaching others with an attitude of autonomy feeds discomfort, disappointment, resentments and discontent.

Just a quick search and here's an article that might be assistive:
Gandhi's 10 Rules for Changing the World, by Henrik Edberg

 

[Lily D.]

I have similar issues sometimes. For me, it's an insecurity that stems from being bullied/excluded when I was younger.
One thing my therapist has taught me is how to challenge my thoughts - so when I think I am not liked by others I have to find concrete evidence to support this, as well as collect evidence that could prove the opposite, such as, they maybe tired, they may be insecure themselves, they don't know me entirely, etc. It's not about misleading your thoughts but more to get yourself to think outside of your thought patterns and to not make it ALL about yourself as a person.
Sometimes, it can also be that you and another person just don't mesh well. That's obviously not great, but it does mean that if it's not working, a deeper relationship with this person is likely not to give you any pleasure anyway.
I am still practicing this myself as well but it has helped me sometimes to get unstuck a bit better.

 

[Anarchy]

With you in a little bit:hug:

 

[Twilight]

You can't loose your selfworth if people don't like you.

Same old problem, so needing insights again....

When I turned to Jesus, I felt the love of God and it helped me quite a bit toward not needing people's love, attention or acceptance. And Jesus has helped me in an on-going journey of devine healing of all my past emotional wounds as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Rani G2]

Going through a similar problem again. I am stuck in a bubble.
Even being more an introvert, I have phrases where I am angry, almost furious when people are “unthankful“. This again is a moment where I am so soaked in this reality.

I have always been somone who is interested in others, I ask questions, how they are but in return nothing comes out of that. Why should that matter?

I dont see thankfuleness. F* em.

 

[Beans]

Yea i know what you mean. Just had another relat like that lol. I'm learning not to expect things from others or assume what they think. However, I'm also learning that I want pple who are interested in me. So while I'll enjoy be friendly towards pple who don't ask or aren't interested in me, i'll save my friendship for those who really are interested in me.

I realize that I'm super supportive and interested in pple and that's a good thing, but I intially did/do it b/c that's what i thought/think pple liked. They want pple interested in them and that would get them to like me. I realized when i ask about them specifically to get something from them (approval and being liked) instead of true interest, then i feel resentful if they dont "return the favor." However, if i'm asking b/c i'm truly interested, then their returned interest in me doesn't matter as much b/c my interest being satiated is enough. Hmmm idk if that makes sense. Also I'm not sure if my true interest somehow comes off differently than doing it to be "good/right" cause I find when i ask out of real interest and care, I also seem to get more interest back. It's like real interest results in "clicking" and fake interest almost results in just... dry convo for the sake of convo.

Anyway ask and give pple attn cause it feels right and good. Don't do it b/c that's what you're suppsed to do or to get attn or to be liked or approved of. Or learned to give attn to be loved ( in childhood it was a whole thing for me, being quiet and giving my narc parents attn to be "good"-meaning interested, invisible and not needing attn- was the only time they liked me.)

We're not entitled to pple's interest. Interest is more innate and spontaneous I think. It's not a put interest in, get interest out transaction. When they're interested they engage. Maybe listen a bit to yourself internally for what really interests you vs doing it cause it's the "good/right/proper" thing to do. Sorry this is all over the place and if it doesn't apply at all to you lol. I'm just in the past few weeks pulling this issue apart after the latest of many crap relat lol. I keep attracting pple who are happy to talk all the time about themselves, but never ask about me. Idk if this vid will resonate at all for you, but it did for me How to Make Real Friends - with JP Sears.

 

[Rani G2]

HEY Beans,
You say:

realize that I'm super supportive and interested in pple and that's a good thing, but I intially did/do it b/c that's what i thought/think pple liked.

I think this could apply to me as well, though I do care honestly about others... now saying this someone could ask the question: Well if you honestly care why are you angry if these people dont give you that what you want in return? Because "honestly caring" doesnt ask for anything in return. So its a contradiction.

Sorry this is all over the place and if it doesn't apply at all to you lol.

No its not all over the place Beans! Makes sense!

The thing is, I dont talk much, I prefer to listen but if I see true interest i open up, but this isnt the case often so that makes me angry. If people get on constantly talking about themselves i get dissapointment.

So, maybe we are similar. Yes. I come off rude at times when some jabber 24/7. Once i told someone quite directly that i am not interested in that topic.

Thanks for the link! Will check out.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I can't be the only person that ever had someone butt into their life and ask if they are ok, then after having just offended the other, then do a complete 180 degrees and exhibit hazy and indirect signs of a mea culpa, mea culpa!?!

So, what really irks me is when people overstep their boundaries directly into mine and seem to question my lucidity, intelligibility, under the guise of caring and sharing; grrr! and then they ask me if anything's wrong with me? Really! Breaching my boundaries with outright implications that I'm not okay (to them!) then asking me if there's anything f*cking wrong with my a**! Hmmm. How do I handle it? Well of course I begin to pepper them with questions asking why are they probing, examining, breaching, investigating (without solicitation) whether or not I am f*cking okay?

Some who tend to look at others rather than intensely focusing on their own imperfections, flaws, and shortcomings need to take that magic magnifying mirror they turn onto unsuspecting others who are only trying to help another - and turn that thing (reflective mirror) onto themselves, look into it with rigorous, stark-naked self-actualization honesty and ask themselves that same f*cking question which they unsolicitedly asked of me.

I then ask them why would they ask me such a question? In another words, mind your own f*cking business (after you've crossed into my territory) and if you really care about me - instead of asking me if I'm safe, or ok (which implies I the f*ck am not) simply tell me you are here and that you care and stop taking my f*cking inventory, please. Thank you. Grrr. I'm mad. I wouldn't purposely try to gaslight others in a futile attempt to fuel and elevate my own status. No. I don't give a flying flip anymore what people on this earth think about me. What I do care about is that internal barometer that says do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Not do to others what you'd prefer them NOT do unto you.

Some seem to have blinders on and cannot see the damage they do by crossing into other people's boundaries then attempting to crawl and slime their way (snake) out of the breach they just spawned (generated). Nothing seems to p*ss me off more than someone who slithers into my lane (life) and pretentiously acts as if they are trying to rescue me (without solicitation) then when I question their motives, they become not only defensive hmmm...they also try to backstroke away from the breach in crossing into my boundaries. OMG! P*sses me the f*ck off! You betcha.

As a young child it seems no one was willing to protect me from predators so now I am this day less and less willing to risk and attempt to be a caring concerned person anymore. I've been beat the f*ck down so much (rug) that I'm not willing to allow people whom I do not trust (because some have given me no reason to trust them other than to question my sanity/safety/motives, etc.). So I am staying in my f*cking lane more and more these days and working on myself and my own distorted thinking, issues, rather than risking and allowing some people who seem to delight in tearing others down the rope in which to hang my a** with. So sorry...for I just needed to vent and hoping all are doing well this day and every day. Wishing all peace and above all...love.

correction: last para. 5th line...delight in tearing others down and I'm not giving them the stereotypical (proverbial) rope anymore in which to hang my a** with.:hug:

 

[Rani G2]

themselves, look into it with rigorous, stark-naked self-actualization honesty and ask themselves that same f*cking question which they unsolicitedly asked of me.

Good advice!

 

[Rani G2]

I got the hint