Sexual Assault Always thinking people are calling me gay

[mdog297]

I was abused at the age of 9 by another man, he was around 15 at the time. I froze, it started off as grooming then escalated over time to a game of hide and seek then I was told do this to me and i'll do it to.

I didnt process what happened until my late teens early 20s when it resurfaced, before then i acted like it didnt happen.

Since I told family about it I always hear people mumbling and talking negative about me saying I'm gay, it's okay, and even my girlfriend. I know that I'm not but it is really bothering me that people are saying this because it cuts at deeper wounds of me questioning my sexuality because I didn't stop it.


Does anyone else experience this? Can that trauma cause me to hear these things??

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Are you saying you hear voices that aren't there? That could be so many things and it might be best to talk to a professional about it? How to manage that might depend a lot on what is causing it.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m sorry for what brings you here, it’s tough stuff.

Sexual abuse almost always comes with the package deal of sexuality and gender troubles.
You didn’t stop it because you were a child being taken advantage of. That doesn’t say or mean anything additional about you. We freeze or fawn to survive, and go with what is happening when groomed/manipulated/etc. It’s not your fault.

 

[mdog297]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Are you saying you hear voices that aren't there? That could be so many things and it might be best to talk to a professional about it? How to manage that might depend a lot on what is causing it.

I am not sure if it is people mumbling things to me or Im thinking they are saying something that isn't being said, like mixing words up.



I do not think it is in my head, so maybe my insecurities are put put on them and I assume that is whats being said. A lot of negative comments towards me. I am questioning it because in a public parking lot I thought the same thing, those are conplete strangers with no reason to dislike me.

 

[mdog297]

I’m sorry for what brings you here, it’s tough stuff.

Sexual abuse almost always comes with the package deal of sexuality and gender troubles.
You didn’t stop it because you were a child being taken advantage of. That doesn’t say or mean anything additional about you. We freeze or fawn to survive, and go with what is happening when groomed/manipulated/etc. It’s not your fault.

Thanks, this makes me feel a bit better. I am just tired of it honestly.

Always thinking people are calling me weak, gay, a boy and not a man. It's exhausting because I get so angry that I really want to hurt them, I won't do this, just thoughts not plans.

I even cried after the first time having sex with my girlfriend, it was extremely intimate. Its like every 3 times I'll tear up and get emotional.

Even after reading the It's not your fault part I'm not even sad I was in a great mood but it just happens!

 

[Movingforward10]

I am not sure if it is people mumbling things to me or Im thinking they are saying something that isn't being said, like mixing words up.



I do not think it is in my head, so maybe my insecurities are put put on them and I assume that is whats being said. A lot of negative comments towards me. I am questioning it because in a public parking lot I thought the same thing, those are conplete strangers with no reason to dislike me.

If it's people you know mumbling things about you, what's stopping you from asking them to repeat what they said to see if you are hearing things accurately or not?

In terms of strangers, that sounds like some paranoia?

Maybe the people you know are mumbling things about you. Maybe they aren't.
When we have been sexually abused we carry a lot of shame. Do you think the shame you are carrying is making you think these things, and is stopping you from seeking clarity from those you know?

You've clearly said you're not gay. And being abused isn't what makes people gay (would be way more gay people if that was the case). And in any event, no shame in being gay (I am. Also was sexually harmed as a child).
People can be very ignorant though and there are people who think you can only be gay if you have been abused as they see being gay as some form of illness or something wrong. But that's their ignorance.

 

[mdog297]

If it's people you know mumbling things about you, what's stopping you from asking them to repeat what they said to see if you are hearing things accurately or not?

In terms of strangers, that sounds like some paranoia?

Maybe the people you know are mumbling things about you. Maybe they aren't.
When we have been sexually abused we carry a lot of shame. Do you think the shame you are carrying is making you think these things, and is stopping you from seeking clarity from those you know?

You've clearly said you're not gay. And being abused isn't what makes people gay (would be way more gay people if that was the case). And in any event, no shame in being gay (I am. Also was sexually harmed as a child).
People can be very ignorant though and there are people who think you can only be gay if you have been abused as they see being gay as some form of illness or something wrong. But that's their ignorance.

First off, I hope you don't take me being upset about being called that the wrong way. It's like an attack on my identity, I have no issues with the community.

Now that's out of the way, I asked one person and she said she did not and was confused. She then said I may be hearing voices which rubbed me the wrong way. However I feel like I am getting gaslit everytime I ask anyone, and yes, I feel shame whenever I try to seek clarity. So I just remain quiet.

So it's like I'm stuck, then I keep getting the feeling and hearing that I am weak, and that Im not saying anything so it must be true.

I just try to ignore everything but I can't even focus on my work in class, so I just get into a stare spell and just shake my head to things being said. Ruins my mood for the whole day until I am alone and talk to my girlfriend.

 

[Movingforward10]

First off, I hope you don't take me being upset about being called that the wrong way. It's like an attack on my identity, I have no issues with the community.

I don't take it the wrong way at all. You're not saying anything homophobic (and you'd be entitled to your opinion on that but if I felt you were, I wouldn't be bothering to respond), you're exploring something in your life that you want to change (the assumptions about you or your fear about assumptions about you because of the abuse you experienced).

she said she did not

Something is stopping you from trusting her response?

However I feel like I am getting gaslit everytime I ask anyone, and yes, I feel shame whenever I try to seek clarity.

Which might be this, your feeling of being gaslit?

So it's like I'm stuck,

Being stuck is a very uncomfortable space to be in.
When I'm stuck, what helps is trying to see things from another perspective. Or giving myself counter messages.
Are there alternatives messages you can give yourself that you could start to believe?
What would you say to someone else who is experiencing this? Usually we can offer sound advice to others that we feel unable to offer ourselves.

I am alone and talk to my girlfriend.

This sounds like your safe space? And it's great you have it.
Can you replicate elements of that safety into other areas of your life?

 

[arfie]

I always hear people mumbling and talking negative about me saying I'm gay, it's okay, and even my girlfriend. I know that I'm not but it is really bothering me that people are saying.

me too. . . i imagine the mubles and talk vividly enough to create auditory hallucinations, my own story started with sexual abuse at an obscenely early age and was heavily iced with social commentary about my feminine math and science gifts. even my husband called me, "a raging bull dyke" during the course of developing my engineering career. during sex, no less. my personal reaction was to explore the possibility. i remain grateful to the ladies who helped in the exploration, but the stereotypes and stigma are still bother the unholies out of me.

Sexual abuse almost always comes with the package deal of sexuality and gender troubles.

i second this belief, whole heartedly from personal experience. you are not a freak, mdog. just a human suffering natural reactions to horrific trauma. steadying support while you find your way through. i hope healing happens here.

 

[mdog297]

I always have trouble believing what people say, especially in the state of mind. I basically feel like everyone is against me, and every little thing fuels that thought.

I am alone at home now and thought i heard things, not just about the trauma but how I shouldn't even mention it (the talking) I thought it was my neighbors talking and saying shit I didn't wanna hear and using the lawnmower to tune out the sound of them talking.

I don't hear anything since it was turned off. I'm just going nuts trying to figure out what the hell is causing this. I was told it may be due to head trauma but I never hit my head extremely hard like that, I don't believe that is the problem, I just feel like people are screaming I'm not a man and different things of that nature and that my family, classmates, and even some strangers I meet have some strong repulsion towards me.
Along with the negative comments I hear it's them saying come out, but I am not closeted?

Then I get upset wondering why that is in my head..



If someone else was going through this I would let them know what the people say doesn't matter and that you know yourself.

Clearly you are attracted to women, but because of how you don't fit the stereotypes of a pursuing man you get called out and questioned.


I definitely think I may avoid conflict/fawn I gotta look into that more.

I don't take it the wrong way at all. You're not saying anything homophobic (and you'd be entitled to your opinion on that but if I felt you were, I wouldn't be bothering to respond), you're exploring something in your life that you want to change (the assumptions about you or your fear about assumptions about you because of the abuse you experienced).

Something is stopping you from trusting her response?

Which might be this, your feeling of being gaslit?

Being stuck is a very uncomfortable space to be in.
When I'm stuck, what helps is trying to see things from another perspective. Or giving myself counter messages.
Are there alternatives messages you can give yourself that you could start to believe?
What would you say to someone else who is experiencing this? Usually we can offer sound advice to others that we feel unable to offer ourselves.

This sounds like your safe space? And it's great you have it.
Can you replicate elements of that safety into other areas of your life?

 

[mdog297]

I’m sorry for what brings you here, it’s tough stuff.

Sexual abuse almost always comes with the package deal of sexuality and gender troubles.
You didn’t stop it because you were a child being taken advantage of. That doesn’t say or mean anything additional about you. We freeze or fawn to survive, and go with what is happening when groomed/manipulated/etc. It’s not your fault.

I definitely think I may avoid conflict/fawn I gotta look into that more. (said this in the previous post but didnt edit fast enough to mention you srry)

 

[arfie]

proof unavailable, but in my therapy sessions, we credit the auditory hallucinations and paranoia to hyper-vigilance, a common ptsd symptom.