Am I overreacting about someone calling me nuts and crazy?

[IamFree]

I’m in a faith community, and it’s ok-ish for me. I have a strong repulsion for unhealthy religious crap and unhealthy communities. I know, oh boy do I know, people in a church can be jerks. Perps can even be drawn to churches (and so many other institutions as #meToo had shown the world) and do such horrible damage. Many faith communities need to do so much better on these issues too. I don’t want feedback on how stupid Christians can be... yep, I get it. Deeply.

Anyhow. I’m in a faith community. Someone in the community unfortunately found out from someone else (who now knows they should have never said anything) that I have PTSD. I hide my diagnosis as much as I can in 99% of my life.

This person is hurtful. Chronically. They were kind prior to finding out and we were friends. It was fun. Since finding out, they regularly say I’m nuts, crazy, wacko, insane, out of my mind, looney, etc, etc. Not as a joke.

It started off like this:

We were blabing about dating and she said, “should you even be dating?”
“What do you mean?”
“Aren’t you crazy?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you have PTSD?”
I told them they needed to stop referring to me and the diagnosis using crazy and etc, and I did explain what PTSD is, and isn’t. 3rd time I had to ask, I told her I would end all one on one contact if she continued. She did. So also did some other boundary pushing things, like showing up at my home, angry I wasn’t there, and screaming at me as I walked up so loudly neighbors called security and I had my hand on a personal alarm on my phone that calls 911 for me if my hand comes off. I don’t think she was acfually a threat to my safety, just really dysregulayed. She chilled, took responsibility, but went back to I’m wacko. Ugh.

So. I told her no further contact. I’d gladly be cordial in group settings but at this time, not going to connect one-on-one.

She did respect the boundary of no more one-on-one contact. She has now joined a small group I’m in where we “do life together.” It’s like 6-8 people who have dinner, help each other with moved and life stuff. Half the folks in this group have a mental health diagnosis and are in counseling. Only one person in the group (the leader) knows that’s the case for me. The group is healthy. Functional.

She joined. She started emailing me that we had a “rift” and that’s because “you are nuts.” Then proveeded to mention that she made a mistake too, but it was my fault because I changed plans. I’m not sure if she’s referring to her screaming fit outside my home...

So. I asked if we could have a convo with the leader and myself about this. I wasn’t going to get into it without someone else there and I can’t kick her out of the group. She refused and emailed me lashing out further that I need to be more forgiving of her and “you are out of your mind.” And again. “The problem is you are nuts.”

She’s not like, you do xyz, and that means you are nuts. She said she was telling me this to confront me on sin and tell me what I need to change.

Which is frankly kinda funny. I mean, if she really thinks I’m clinically nuts, does she really think she can shame me out of it? If only that worked, I’d be freaking cured of PTSD.

Damn it... sometimes people don’t think...

Anyhow...

I made it clear that this is beyond my limits to endure right now, and I can no longer be in the group and around someone who won’t sit down and talk about this matter with myself and someone else. To take care of me, I will no longer be involved in the group. And I left. Asked to join another. Quite calmly. One big boundary set. And held. I’m fine with quitting all involvement and finding a new community in order to not be around this.

So. Apparently no one wanted me to quit. Now two leaders are scrambling to try to set up that chance to talk. I’m not sure she’ll agree to it. It’s been made clear that if she isn’t willing, then she’s no longer welcome to be there. I didn’t really expect that... I really was trying to be clear, this is beyond what I can do.

Why talk? In my faith, that’s what you do inside the community regarding issues that are not safety related. Someone offends you, you talk to them. Doesn’t work, you bring someone along. Still doesn’t work, that’s when more serious boundaries should come into place. (i.e. one of us would need to get involved in elsewhere.)

I could possibly end up having this convo.

How do I explain to folks, this isn’t ok? (am I even writing that? Yes, yes I am.) They get it about the screaming fit, but I’m not worried about that happening again. I’m not going to be around her alone. But I’m also not going to be around her when she’s emailing me that I’m nuts. I think the other two female leaders involved may not understand... I’m not saying no one can ever use the word crazy.

In the mix of this, I’m pretty sure some kind of projection or transference is involved. She has a family member who committed crimes while hallucinating and there was a lot of family stress about it a few years ago. She called him all these things too. (Never cured him either....)

How do I explain what seems stupid obvious to me? My lack of willingness to let this into my life seems clear to all.

And what do I say? Hey, stop calling me nuts? When you do that I feel humiliated.

That didn’t work... or maybe it did? I mean, I’m not subjected to it anymore. (I blocked her on email.)

Am I overreacting?

She believes I need to forgive her, while she continues. I believe forgiveness isn’t about a lack of boundaries. It’s about not holding a grudge. I believe boundaries help forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Plus, I can forgive all I want, and still not be able to looney and someone calling me looney and telling me I’m sinning by being crazy because I don’t want to be called looney.

Omg. This whole stupid mess is crazy. IT IS NUTTY. Lol.

Any thoughts?

*yes I’m into Jesus and I swear - when it won’t hurt others - in case you haven’t noticed. No need to clutch any pearls about it. Also. I’m a bit snarky and defensive today. Sigh.

its not what is said its what the intention is if you know in your heart its not joking then your reactions is understandable

 

[EveHarrington]

Also, I have PTSD. No excuse for anything

I think you need to step away from the board and find a supportive person who can work through your ptsd with you...

I know you’re being overly influenced by this board when you say things like this. How do I know? I was too. And then I found someone who said “hey Eve, it’s ok that you have ptsd, it’s ok that you have these reactions because of your disorder because I know you are working hard to change and heal.”

As soon as you start to internalize the “ptsd is no excuse” mantra, I know you’ve taken in too much responsibility and blame.

The truth is that you have a disorder that can be very difficult to manage at times.

Everyone else with every other disorder gets some slack, some understanding that it IS an excuse because of the illness they have.

And you know what?

We do too.

I know I’ll get a lot of flack for this but I don’t care.

Once my mindset shifted, I released much of the internal burden I was carrying. I stopped beating myself up.

I have a disorder. It causes me to have certain types of behavior. My responsibility is in getting better, not in shouldering the blame for the results of what happened to me.

All that time I spent blaming myself with the “ptsd is no excuse” crap, I now spend on actually healing.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow. I was mentally preparing to handle questions and accusations about having PTSD... but you all are right. It’s a red herring and I am not gonna bite if she tries to fish. Instead, I’m going to hold the boundary that any diagnosis is none of her business and irrelevant. Not going to discuss it with her there. It does not change this: No mental health shaming. Period. No screaming at me. Period. Or I’m out.

Thanks for the the realty check all!

 

[blackemerald1]

You know what... if you had a heart condition or some sort of skin condition (whatever) - Would she be shaming you? Would there be a dinner to sort it out? Would there be any discussion about it being your issue that you have to help someone else adjust or get over?

No...I don't think so. And...for the most part if you chose to not discuss your health...mental or otherwise. That is your prerogative.

They either control this crazy biiitch or you work on finding a new community group. :wtf:

 

[Justmehere]

@EveHarrington - cross-posted with you.
I appreciate your input. I have a different perspective.

I look at it this way:

If I have polio, and I’m paralyzed from it, I can’t run mountains. It’s not an excuse that I can’t run mountains. It’s a legit reality. Can’t do it. Does that mean I’m to blame for having polio? Heck no.

Others may be really down about or try to cajole me to sprint up that mountainside... It is my responsibility to be clear: yep can’t run that mountain. Or find the way that I can make it up the mountain. Maybe I could ask them if they could help me find a horse to ride up the side of it... And not be an a** about it.

PTSD includes being reactive at times. There is a very real reality that this impacts others. I’ve been on the other side of someone with ptsd being reactive.

I mean. What if it turns out this other woman has PTSD? She already does have a mental health diagnosis of depression and anxiety. Does that mean she is no longer responsible for sitting outside my apartment and screaming at me and calling names? Does that mean I should allow that into my life unabated? Nah. Frankly, if there is a mental health condition fueling this behavior, I think there is the same need to address it. Stating she’s responsible for her actions isn’t blaming her for having a mental health condition. Or anything that happened in the past that contributed to her having this battle. She could have made other choices to handle her distress. I’m not going to disrespect her dignity and pretend she had no other choices but to scare the crap out of me.

My having ptsd and stating it’s not an excuse means that it’s not a free pass to put out every match with a fire hose - nor does that mean I’m to blame for trauma and the way it impacted me. Plus, my reactivity is not the fault of others around me who are not perpetrators. It means that I have to own that reality that I have a disorder and may mean I’m not around people lighting matches at times. It may mean that before I turn that fire hose on, I ask others, does this match need to be put out with a fire hose? It sometimes may mean that I put that match out, the fire is doused with gusto, fast, and I take a step back and reflect if that was a true safety threat or not. And I have to deal with the reality that everyone is soaked in the process.

“It’s not an excuse” does NOT mean the trauma is my fault or that having PTSD is my fault. To take responsibility for my behavior doesn’t mean I deserved being abused or that I’m to blame for being jumpy about it. I find it empowering to know I’m not helpless in managing my symptoms and the impact it has on my life and to others.

I don’t believe I need space from the board. I take what’s helpful and not the rest. This has been helpful to discuss here. As far as needing more support offline...I mean sure, I could totally use more support. But I haven’t found more of the right people who can walk in certain spaces with me.

I have a therapist, and one of these two leaders who will be there knows I have PTSD, and had been very safe and respectful about it for a few years now - and that’s part of why I’m willing to make an attempt to talk this out with her there. I also know she’s very ok with me holding the boundary that PTSD is not a topic of discussion or debate whenever I choose to keep it private or not go there. One can talk about behavior and actions without having to apthogize it all. She already knows I’m not ok with being called crazy, although she doesn’t know just how bad it is, and thinks it’s a one or two time event and no other issues - and yet she’s willing to go through all this to have this convo based on that tiny amount of info.

Does that mean this will work out? I have no idea. We will see.

 

[blackemerald1]

I don’t believe I need space from the board. I

No...you don't need space from here. You are just fine here ...Justme.. :hug:

And yeah...everyone can do with more offline support - that goes without saying yeah??

 

[Justmehere]

Well. That went badly

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Oh no!

What happened?

:hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

My words when I read that were "Oh crap!" And that is how I feel exactly. So sorry! HUGS if you accept.

 

[Justmehere]

I get scapegoated so much in my life... my head is still spinning.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am still praying. I don't believe this is over yet. Wait to see how God unfolds it.

 

[Sideways]

In all honesty, this person sounds like they have some serious personal issues going on of their own.

It also sounds like you’re not the right person to help her, because of the way she’s targeting you for inappropriate behaviour.

Mental health issues present in so many different ways. Perhaps the most compassionate thing for both of you would be to pass on the information you have, the communication you’ve received from her, then be clear about what it is you need.

Hopefully she ends up getting some help woth whatever it is that’s going on for her. You can’t make that happen. All you can really do is look out for yourself, and perhaps seperate yourself from the issue so that someone more appropriate might step in and direct her towards appropriate support.

Feel for you. What she’s doing? No one needs that. It’s unnecessarily distressing in an environment that has been a great support for you. Hopefully things work out for you in a way that you can get back to what it is about this group that make it a positive experience.