Justmehere
Sponsor
I’m in a faith community, and it’s ok-ish for me. I have a strong repulsion for unhealthy religious crap and unhealthy communities. I know, oh boy do I know, people in a church can be jerks. Perps can even be drawn to churches (and so many other institutions as #meToo had shown the world) and do such horrible damage. Many faith communities need to do so much better on these issues too. I don’t want feedback on how stupid Christians can be... yep, I get it. Deeply.
Anyhow. I’m in a faith community. Someone in the community unfortunately found out from someone else (who now knows they should have never said anything) that I have PTSD. I hide my diagnosis as much as I can in 99% of my life.
This person is hurtful. Chronically. They were kind prior to finding out and we were friends. It was fun. Since finding out, they regularly say I’m nuts, crazy, wacko, insane, out of my mind, looney, etc, etc. Not as a joke.
It started off like this:
We were blabing about dating and she said, “should you even be dating?”
“What do you mean?”
“Aren’t you crazy?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you have PTSD?”
I told them they needed to stop referring to me and the diagnosis using crazy and etc, and I did explain what PTSD is, and isn’t. 3rd time I had to ask, I told her I would end all one on one contact if she continued. She did. So also did some other boundary pushing things, like showing up at my home, angry I wasn’t there, and screaming at me as I walked up so loudly neighbors called security and I had my hand on a personal alarm on my phone that calls 911 for me if my hand comes off. I don’t think she was acfually a threat to my safety, just really dysregulayed. She chilled, took responsibility, but went back to I’m wacko. Ugh.
So. I told her no further contact. I’d gladly be cordial in group settings but at this time, not going to connect one-on-one.
She did respect the boundary of no more one-on-one contact. She has now joined a small group I’m in where we “do life together.” It’s like 6-8 people who have dinner, help each other with moved and life stuff. Half the folks in this group have a mental health diagnosis and are in counseling. Only one person in the group (the leader) knows that’s the case for me. The group is healthy. Functional.
She joined. She started emailing me that we had a “rift” and that’s because “you are nuts.” Then proveeded to mention that she made a mistake too, but it was my fault because I changed plans. I’m not sure if she’s referring to her screaming fit outside my home...
So. I asked if we could have a convo with the leader and myself about this. I wasn’t going to get into it without someone else there and I can’t kick her out of the group. She refused and emailed me lashing out further that I need to be more forgiving of her and “you are out of your mind.” And again. “The problem is you are nuts.”
She’s not like, you do xyz, and that means you are nuts. She said she was telling me this to confront me on sin and tell me what I need to change.
Which is frankly kinda funny. I mean, if she really thinks I’m clinically nuts, does she really think she can shame me out of it? If only that worked, I’d be freaking cured of PTSD.
Damn it... sometimes people don’t think...
Anyhow...
I made it clear that this is beyond my limits to endure right now, and I can no longer be in the group and around someone who won’t sit down and talk about this matter with myself and someone else. To take care of me, I will no longer be involved in the group. And I left. Asked to join another. Quite calmly. One big boundary set. And held. I’m fine with quitting all involvement and finding a new community in order to not be around this.
So. Apparently no one wanted me to quit. Now two leaders are scrambling to try to set up that chance to talk. I’m not sure she’ll agree to it. It’s been made clear that if she isn’t willing, then she’s no longer welcome to be there. I didn’t really expect that... I really was trying to be clear, this is beyond what I can do.
Why talk? In my faith, that’s what you do inside the community regarding issues that are not safety related. Someone offends you, you talk to them. Doesn’t work, you bring someone along. Still doesn’t work, that’s when more serious boundaries should come into place. (i.e. one of us would need to get involved in elsewhere.)
I could possibly end up having this convo.
How do I explain to folks, this isn’t ok? (am I even writing that? Yes, yes I am.) They get it about the screaming fit, but I’m not worried about that happening again. I’m not going to be around her alone. But I’m also not going to be around her when she’s emailing me that I’m nuts. I think the other two female leaders involved may not understand... I’m not saying no one can ever use the word crazy.
In the mix of this, I’m pretty sure some kind of projection or transference is involved. She has a family member who committed crimes while hallucinating and there was a lot of family stress about it a few years ago. She called him all these things too. (Never cured him either....)
How do I explain what seems stupid obvious to me? My lack of willingness to let this into my life seems clear to all.
And what do I say? Hey, stop calling me nuts? When you do that I feel humiliated.
That didn’t work... or maybe it did? I mean, I’m not subjected to it anymore. (I blocked her on email.)
Am I overreacting?
She believes I need to forgive her, while she continues. I believe forgiveness isn’t about a lack of boundaries. It’s about not holding a grudge. I believe boundaries help forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Plus, I can forgive all I want, and still not be able to looney and someone calling me looney and telling me I’m sinning by being crazy because I don’t want to be called looney.
Omg. This whole stupid mess is crazy. IT IS NUTTY. Lol.
Any thoughts?
*yes I’m into Jesus and I swear - when it won’t hurt others - in case you haven’t noticed. No need to clutch any pearls about it. Also. I’m a bit snarky and defensive today. Sigh.
Anyhow. I’m in a faith community. Someone in the community unfortunately found out from someone else (who now knows they should have never said anything) that I have PTSD. I hide my diagnosis as much as I can in 99% of my life.
This person is hurtful. Chronically. They were kind prior to finding out and we were friends. It was fun. Since finding out, they regularly say I’m nuts, crazy, wacko, insane, out of my mind, looney, etc, etc. Not as a joke.
It started off like this:
We were blabing about dating and she said, “should you even be dating?”
“What do you mean?”
“Aren’t you crazy?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you have PTSD?”
I told them they needed to stop referring to me and the diagnosis using crazy and etc, and I did explain what PTSD is, and isn’t. 3rd time I had to ask, I told her I would end all one on one contact if she continued. She did. So also did some other boundary pushing things, like showing up at my home, angry I wasn’t there, and screaming at me as I walked up so loudly neighbors called security and I had my hand on a personal alarm on my phone that calls 911 for me if my hand comes off. I don’t think she was acfually a threat to my safety, just really dysregulayed. She chilled, took responsibility, but went back to I’m wacko. Ugh.
So. I told her no further contact. I’d gladly be cordial in group settings but at this time, not going to connect one-on-one.
She did respect the boundary of no more one-on-one contact. She has now joined a small group I’m in where we “do life together.” It’s like 6-8 people who have dinner, help each other with moved and life stuff. Half the folks in this group have a mental health diagnosis and are in counseling. Only one person in the group (the leader) knows that’s the case for me. The group is healthy. Functional.
She joined. She started emailing me that we had a “rift” and that’s because “you are nuts.” Then proveeded to mention that she made a mistake too, but it was my fault because I changed plans. I’m not sure if she’s referring to her screaming fit outside my home...
So. I asked if we could have a convo with the leader and myself about this. I wasn’t going to get into it without someone else there and I can’t kick her out of the group. She refused and emailed me lashing out further that I need to be more forgiving of her and “you are out of your mind.” And again. “The problem is you are nuts.”
She’s not like, you do xyz, and that means you are nuts. She said she was telling me this to confront me on sin and tell me what I need to change.
Which is frankly kinda funny. I mean, if she really thinks I’m clinically nuts, does she really think she can shame me out of it? If only that worked, I’d be freaking cured of PTSD.
Damn it... sometimes people don’t think...
Anyhow...
I made it clear that this is beyond my limits to endure right now, and I can no longer be in the group and around someone who won’t sit down and talk about this matter with myself and someone else. To take care of me, I will no longer be involved in the group. And I left. Asked to join another. Quite calmly. One big boundary set. And held. I’m fine with quitting all involvement and finding a new community in order to not be around this.
So. Apparently no one wanted me to quit. Now two leaders are scrambling to try to set up that chance to talk. I’m not sure she’ll agree to it. It’s been made clear that if she isn’t willing, then she’s no longer welcome to be there. I didn’t really expect that... I really was trying to be clear, this is beyond what I can do.
Why talk? In my faith, that’s what you do inside the community regarding issues that are not safety related. Someone offends you, you talk to them. Doesn’t work, you bring someone along. Still doesn’t work, that’s when more serious boundaries should come into place. (i.e. one of us would need to get involved in elsewhere.)
I could possibly end up having this convo.
How do I explain to folks, this isn’t ok? (am I even writing that? Yes, yes I am.) They get it about the screaming fit, but I’m not worried about that happening again. I’m not going to be around her alone. But I’m also not going to be around her when she’s emailing me that I’m nuts. I think the other two female leaders involved may not understand... I’m not saying no one can ever use the word crazy.
In the mix of this, I’m pretty sure some kind of projection or transference is involved. She has a family member who committed crimes while hallucinating and there was a lot of family stress about it a few years ago. She called him all these things too. (Never cured him either....)
How do I explain what seems stupid obvious to me? My lack of willingness to let this into my life seems clear to all.
And what do I say? Hey, stop calling me nuts? When you do that I feel humiliated.
That didn’t work... or maybe it did? I mean, I’m not subjected to it anymore. (I blocked her on email.)
Am I overreacting?
She believes I need to forgive her, while she continues. I believe forgiveness isn’t about a lack of boundaries. It’s about not holding a grudge. I believe boundaries help forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Plus, I can forgive all I want, and still not be able to looney and someone calling me looney and telling me I’m sinning by being crazy because I don’t want to be called looney.
Omg. This whole stupid mess is crazy. IT IS NUTTY. Lol.
Any thoughts?
*yes I’m into Jesus and I swear - when it won’t hurt others - in case you haven’t noticed. No need to clutch any pearls about it. Also. I’m a bit snarky and defensive today. Sigh.
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