Kaleidoscope
Bronze Member
Hello...
I chose the name Kaleidoscope, because that is what life is for so many of us...a kaleidoscope!
"Broken pieces of colored glass,
Shattered dreams from memories past,
A-tumbling round...cuz you keep it turning.
Stop discordant ways of living...
Let the light shine through!
Instead of viewing pieces friend,
Make a kaleidoscope!
Make a kaleidoscope."
I write a lot and someday I will share more of the words to this song of the same name.
First, I'd like to applaud all of you who have shared so openly. I know how hard this is. I've always been very private about myself and it is the people who have told me that they have struggled too, who have helped me the most.
I have worked so hard to heal...since 2009!
In 2007, an event (another RN and I were attacked by a patient) at work triggered the start of the end of my excellent coping skills.
Then after a difficult conversation with a young woman in 2008 about something tragic that happened to her at the young age of 10...and my efforts to help her find appropriate help was too close to home to my own situations in life...and I restarted with interrupted sleep and nightmares.
In 2009, i finally started seeing a well-respected therapist who initially diagnosed me with PTSD...which has became more of a complex-PTSD.
We worked hard...
...and while I tried to calm my amygdala, my mother experienced and died of melanoma in 2013, my father grieved heavily, having several ER visits and hospitalizations.
I retired from a job that I loved to help him...he died in 2015...and my dearest friend died of pancreatic cancer the week before dad.
And I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2016...early catch and I'm now doing well.
I have seen my therapist every 2 weeks, I've read countless books by the experts: Peter LeVine, David Grand, etc, etc, etc, listened to beautiful music (music therapy), we tried EMDR, (which made things worse), I have semi-mastered mindfulness and how to "lean into pain" rather than avoid it...I've learned how to use Brain Spotting, which I have found helpful.
My faith in God was renewed.
I've learned to share more with close friends and family yet still find it difficult to share when I'm having a difficult day. (I am a very private person...I didn't start talking about the very difficult things of our childhood with my mother and sister until the age of 37.)
This last year was spent getting ready to leave counseling.
I'm stronger; I've been sleeping all of most nights; I was handling 'triggers' better and I've worked hard to be with the people I could be real with in my life.
I have wonderful, emotionally healthy people in my life.
It was all in place to "leave the nest" and both my therapist and I thought I was ready.
My last hour with him was June 26th, 2017.
I did great the first 2 weeks...sleeping all night with energy to start projects & a peaceful state of feeling.
Then it all started to unravel...two triggers with 2 sleepless, very difficult nights/nightmares. I won't go into detail because I cannot stand to think, say or write the words.
For a week I felt like I had failed, I couldn't bring myself to call my therapist because I didn't want to let him down.
I have wondered if this is going to be my reality for the rest of my life...
I have finally shared (without details...I don't want to taint anyone with my 'stuff') this struggle with a childhood friend and also with a woman I have seen for Spiritual Direction...they both encouraged me to contact my therapist.
I thought I would try all of you first... Maybe i would see an answer, a hope in something that has worked for some of you...
I then tried to reconnect with a therapist who helped me years ago with a situation that involved my children, (and we've stayed in touch) hoping he would tell me that I was "just having a normal reaction to quitting counseling".
He redirected me to contact my therapist.
So I have... I will see him at the end of this month.
I no longer think this was a reaction to stopping therapy. I believe I have some more healing to do...
Today I contacted a therapist my father saw (at my encouragement) for grief counseling.
I had hoped she could help me with some closure I still need with my father. At his request, I had gone to two of his sessions with him.
She told me that "Hippa" is still in place after death.
I understand and yet I feel at a loss...I do not know how to put to rest some pieces of my life with him...I am trying to figure this out yet.
I wish I would have been able to talk with him. It is too late to talk with him but I have asked dad to visit me in a dream...if this is at all possible.
I will "listen" to all of you as I read. Maybe we will glean something from each other?
I've joined the 'happiness challenge'...that will be a good thing!
The past 8+ years have been horrifically difficult and amazingly beautiful...10 grandchildren came into our lives!
To see the life one carries within...your child...then grow into an adult is a gift, a hope realized.
Then to hold what came from my child's love...that is a joy.
Gratefulness is not a problem or effort for me. I am very grateful for my life...
And many would say that should be enough...and of course they are right...
and...
unfortunately something still lurks inside of my psyche that needs to heal.
And it will...
I am persistent.
I will not quit in my resolve to heal.
I've been told that 'journaling' is helpful ... in a sense, I just did...to all who read this.
Guard these words and know that I will guard yours
I chose the name Kaleidoscope, because that is what life is for so many of us...a kaleidoscope!
"Broken pieces of colored glass,
Shattered dreams from memories past,
A-tumbling round...cuz you keep it turning.
Stop discordant ways of living...
Let the light shine through!
Instead of viewing pieces friend,
Make a kaleidoscope!
Make a kaleidoscope."
I write a lot and someday I will share more of the words to this song of the same name.
First, I'd like to applaud all of you who have shared so openly. I know how hard this is. I've always been very private about myself and it is the people who have told me that they have struggled too, who have helped me the most.
I have worked so hard to heal...since 2009!
In 2007, an event (another RN and I were attacked by a patient) at work triggered the start of the end of my excellent coping skills.
Then after a difficult conversation with a young woman in 2008 about something tragic that happened to her at the young age of 10...and my efforts to help her find appropriate help was too close to home to my own situations in life...and I restarted with interrupted sleep and nightmares.
In 2009, i finally started seeing a well-respected therapist who initially diagnosed me with PTSD...which has became more of a complex-PTSD.
We worked hard...
...and while I tried to calm my amygdala, my mother experienced and died of melanoma in 2013, my father grieved heavily, having several ER visits and hospitalizations.
I retired from a job that I loved to help him...he died in 2015...and my dearest friend died of pancreatic cancer the week before dad.
And I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2016...early catch and I'm now doing well.
I have seen my therapist every 2 weeks, I've read countless books by the experts: Peter LeVine, David Grand, etc, etc, etc, listened to beautiful music (music therapy), we tried EMDR, (which made things worse), I have semi-mastered mindfulness and how to "lean into pain" rather than avoid it...I've learned how to use Brain Spotting, which I have found helpful.
My faith in God was renewed.
I've learned to share more with close friends and family yet still find it difficult to share when I'm having a difficult day. (I am a very private person...I didn't start talking about the very difficult things of our childhood with my mother and sister until the age of 37.)
This last year was spent getting ready to leave counseling.
I'm stronger; I've been sleeping all of most nights; I was handling 'triggers' better and I've worked hard to be with the people I could be real with in my life.
I have wonderful, emotionally healthy people in my life.
It was all in place to "leave the nest" and both my therapist and I thought I was ready.
My last hour with him was June 26th, 2017.
I did great the first 2 weeks...sleeping all night with energy to start projects & a peaceful state of feeling.
Then it all started to unravel...two triggers with 2 sleepless, very difficult nights/nightmares. I won't go into detail because I cannot stand to think, say or write the words.
For a week I felt like I had failed, I couldn't bring myself to call my therapist because I didn't want to let him down.
I have wondered if this is going to be my reality for the rest of my life...
I have finally shared (without details...I don't want to taint anyone with my 'stuff') this struggle with a childhood friend and also with a woman I have seen for Spiritual Direction...they both encouraged me to contact my therapist.
I thought I would try all of you first... Maybe i would see an answer, a hope in something that has worked for some of you...
I then tried to reconnect with a therapist who helped me years ago with a situation that involved my children, (and we've stayed in touch) hoping he would tell me that I was "just having a normal reaction to quitting counseling".
He redirected me to contact my therapist.
So I have... I will see him at the end of this month.
I no longer think this was a reaction to stopping therapy. I believe I have some more healing to do...
Today I contacted a therapist my father saw (at my encouragement) for grief counseling.
I had hoped she could help me with some closure I still need with my father. At his request, I had gone to two of his sessions with him.
She told me that "Hippa" is still in place after death.
I understand and yet I feel at a loss...I do not know how to put to rest some pieces of my life with him...I am trying to figure this out yet.
I wish I would have been able to talk with him. It is too late to talk with him but I have asked dad to visit me in a dream...if this is at all possible.
I will "listen" to all of you as I read. Maybe we will glean something from each other?
I've joined the 'happiness challenge'...that will be a good thing!
The past 8+ years have been horrifically difficult and amazingly beautiful...10 grandchildren came into our lives!
To see the life one carries within...your child...then grow into an adult is a gift, a hope realized.
Then to hold what came from my child's love...that is a joy.
Gratefulness is not a problem or effort for me. I am very grateful for my life...
And many would say that should be enough...and of course they are right...
and...
unfortunately something still lurks inside of my psyche that needs to heal.
And it will...
I am persistent.
I will not quit in my resolve to heal.
I've been told that 'journaling' is helpful ... in a sense, I just did...to all who read this.
Guard these words and know that I will guard yours
