Relationship Not sure what to do

[CheshireCat]

Hi everyone, very new to the site and only came across it today. I'm really not sure what i am meant to do and fairly certain i am doing everything wrong, this has also turned into a long post

I met an amazing girl last year which i have felt overall we have had a great relationship so far, i had originally met her about 10 years ago but we hadnt communicated or found each other again till last year.

Like all relationships we have our ups and downs, she has two amazing kids from a previous relationship and we are/were meant to be moving in together. We practically live together anyway so it made sense to not be paying for two properties.

I don't know alot about her past apart from what she has told me about some of the abusiveness and i know everyone deals with things differently.

As an overall things have been fine up untill last week mainly, or atleast last week being the tipping point for her, there has been alot going on and during all that we are trying to sort out moving etc and i know it has got to her, now to a point of not knowing if she still wants a relationship with me.

What hasn't helped is some of my actions, which completely unintentional and thought to be a bit of messing around has led to reminders of things that has happened in her past/flashbacks etc. I know ill never be able to understand what she has been through and ultimately i know i wont be able to avoid not doing something that might have the safe affect again.

When we first started our relationship she was on anti-depressants but stopped them a short while after we became a couple as she said she felt alot happier and didn't need them and things were great, things overall have been fine, she has felt down at times but put it down to other things.

As i say, it would appear that last week was a bit of a tipping point, some of my actions and all the stress of moving, giving her past relationship, the fear of if things go wrong after moving in, having to start all over again. We had a little chat which she didnt really say much and i was telling her how i feel, that i'll be here for her and want to make it work etc and in a way has become a tipping point for me as i have bottled up emotions for a while and couldnt help but cry.

We spent a few days apart, i have been looking after her kids for her whilst she worked and she has been nice enough to come back to the house (as we had some arrangements aswell for getting things ready and whilst i said she didnt need to be here, she was nice enough to)

I was hoping things wouldnt be awkward and weird between us and just as an overall we arent as close as have been up untill the other week.

Yesterday she had gone to the doctors about something else (i think) but turns out there was something a bit more. I had tried to a do a little nice evening for her but she was still quite distant, we said we would talk on sunday, but with all the distance and feeling a bit awkward and how i've been feeling the past week, i tried talking to her last night as i really don't want to lose her or the family we've become. After trying to reassure etc and not having much response from her, she told me that the doctor has put her back on the medication and believes that she has PTSD from everything that has happened in her past etc.

Given this recent diagnosis and from reading posts on here, i have a feeling that my actions, as good as they intend to be, has/is potentially doing more harm than good now, i cant say i understand any of this or what she is going through as it is all new to me and i am probably being quite selfish, i am very upset about whats going on, i didnt want her to be distant and off with me and had no idea why, now if this diagnosis is correct, i want to understand, i want to be able to help, i'm willing to put the time in for her and the kids and work through it, i dont want her to push me away and cut me out of her life and i can accept there will be times when we will have no interaction etc. I know it wont be an overnight thing from either of us, she may never tell me what actually went on and i know im going to unwillingly know im doing stuff to hurt her

 

[Sweetpea76]

My advice is to relax. I know, easier said than done, right?

If she is having a stress reaction she will feed off YOUR stress and high emotion. This is in no way invalidating your emotions, you are allowed to have them. Get upset, get angry... I'm just saying a PTSD sufferer in the midst of a stress reaction is not going to be able to deal with it. You may need another outlet for it.

If you haven't read it yet, the PTSD stress cup model is the clearest explanation as to what may be going on with her right now. It may be that combination of being off her meds, the move, if you guys argued/disagreed/had an intense conversation, and being triggered by thoughts of former abuse by a partner while living together.

Being a supporter is a learning curve. Nobody knows how to do it at first. Sometimes it feels like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded. Every once in awhile you're just gonna catch one in the face. Learning to relax, be patient, and not escalate was a rough one for me, but it makes life a ton easier.

A push-pull dynamic can be a factor in a lot of PTSD relationships. In any normal relationship that's a the death toll. Of course you'd freak out. If PTSD is involved though, I'd take a breath, and just ride it out. Did she specifically end things?

 

[CheshireCat]

At the moment nothing is ended just she doesnt know if she wants a relationship any more, before she mentioned about what the doctors said, i have said how i feel and how i want to be there for her and work it all out, even with the mention of ptsd ive said i want to work it and be there and support her through it, i know it isnt going to be easy etc

 

[A concerned spouse]

I feel your pain, confusion, anxiety and fear. I've been down this road many times. To many times to even mention. My husband who suffers from PTSD will suddenly tell me out of the blue that he wants a divorce (and we've been married for years). It's usually when he's overwhelmed by stress and triggers and I try and be the supportive wife and end up doing all the wrong things, even when I'm trying to do the right thing. Finally I got into counseling to learn how to deal and cope with living with PTSD. This has helped me tremendously! Sometimes we just need to be supportive from a distance and allow them to deal the best way they know how to. One thing that stood out to me is when you said that she went to the Dr. To me it says that she knows it's her and she's reaching out for help. Most likely because she doesn't want to loose you. You have to understand that many sufferers that ate going through an episode KNOW they love you but actually don't FEEL that love. They feel detached and numb. It's a survival instinct. It's part of it and ti ou can not take that personally. Both of you would benefit from individual counseling.

 

[CheshireCat]

She has said that she still loves me but just doesn't know if she wants an us. I can understand everything getting to her and building up, she has times of feeling down, part of it she was putting down to having the implant which has since been removed but still gets the occasional numb kind of feeling.

As an overall I thought everything was all fine and going alright, we all have off times every so often and thought that's what it was and more just seemed out of the blue when coming out with not knowing if she wants to be together and then I've just been feeling very upset.

Then with trying to express how I feel and care for her and want to be supportive etc, I wonder if I've been saying too much, my intentions are good that I want her to know that I want to be around for her, help her through it all and work on it all through good and bad.

I'm hoping I haven't been causing more damage than good, I don't want her to have to go it alone, but then not be too overwhelming, to give it a chance and not let what happened in the past still control and ruin things for her. I know it's going to be a big learning curve on how to handle it all, I'm prepared (can you ever fully be?) For the hard times, just hope she is willing to give it a chance

I think I've told her my overall feelings and that Ill be here for her, I'm not expecting her to be intimate etc until she feels ready and trusting etc

I'm not going to bring it up with her, before it was the panic of the world falling apart, I know she has had a rough past and want to make her future better for her and the kids. I can't deny having the feeling that I'm losing her and feeling crap, I'd hope that she would have some councilling to help and more than happy to do it aswell to help understand and know how to deal and I guess sort myself out aswell

 

[Sweetpea76]

Keep in mind good stress is still stress. It's a good thing you told her you support her and want to work to make her happy, etc. It still may cause a stress reaction. She has to process all of those emotions, and that is a lot of work for a PTSD sufferer.

With my vet, I've taken the "actions speak louder than words" approach. I've told him I have his back. Now I make sure to constantly have his back without talking about having his back, if that makes sense. I don't take things personally if he pulls away or isolates a little bit. I just go about business as usual. The fact that his "episodes" don't upset me makes him feel a lot better. If he wanted to end it he'd end it, not say "I don't know if this will work" then keep being in a relationship with me. I recognize that he is having a stress reaction and take it as a symptom of his disorder.

It takes awhile to get that comfortable with it though, I'm not gonna lie.

 

[CheshireCat]

She has said she is going to go back to her's for a few days to try and sort herself out and be alone for a little bit whilst the kids go their dad's.

I know I need to give her space and i know I shouldn't sit around being upset whilst she's gone (easier said than done), do you think it's OK to still try and contact her during this time, especially as I have no idea if/when I'll see her again? I know I've told her how I feel and wanting to support, but I don't know how to show it as it feels like everything I've done so far might not have been good enough

 

[CheshireCat]

And then it's how to act around her, do I still act how we normally are, should I not try and give her a hug and cuddle and tell her that I love her.... does it do more harm, is it better to just ignore her as such, still talk in general. It's going to be a tough learning process and i the feeling I have is wanting to go all in but have no idea where I / we stand

 

[A concerned spouse]

First of all I can actually feel your pain, confusion, heartache, panic etc flowing out of your written words and my heart feels your pain because I know exacly how you feel. This is the best way I can describe my personal experience and my personal mistakes supporting and loving one with PTSD. I have always been a sympathetic person. So suppose my husband and I were walki g down a road, and without warning he suddenly fell into a deep dark hole . . . I would sympathize with him and jump right in with him to show him my support and how much i loved him. BUT that made things worse be ause suddenly he felt guilty that I was in the hole with him and he was having a hard enough time stressing about how he was going to get out of the hole and now I just added to his stress be a use he has to figure out how to get us BOTH out of the hole. After going to therapy for myself to learn skills on Boeing a supporter of PTSD, I have learned to be empathetic not sympathetic. Now when he falls into the deep dark hole, I just lean over the hole and ask him if he's alright. I offer my hand or colaberate with him on ways for him to climb out and sometimes I just sit by the hole and let him know I'm thete IF he needs me. But I don't go into the darkness with him. So support her. Don't drive her crazy, give her the space she desires. Don't force her to talk about the relationship. Just offer your support in small ways. A text, a funny meme. Do you realize that when we push to much and they see our pain, it makes them feel worthless because they carry so much self loathing. Go to therapy and take learn to take care of yourself emotionally. Be strong and positive. This will pass. Hang in there! You got this!

 

[A concerned spouse]

Oh, and stop being so hard on yourself. PTSD is not easy to live with and live next to. Your relationship is fairly new and you will make mistakes along the way. When she's out of her episode and she's willing and able to talk ask het what she needs when she gets withdrawn. Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts!

 

[Sighs]

One of the things that @Sweetpea76 taught me is that giving your sufferer space (ie: not contacting them) is a loving act. You need to give her the time and space she needs and recognise that doing so IS supporting her. Sending text messages or voice messages "letting her know you care" gives her no relief from the (good) stress of the relationship.

 

[CheshireCat]

Thank you all for your advice :)

it's hard to not get caught up in thoughts and questioning what I've done, I know she needs some alone time with no kids or me in the evening's and it's hard not to think the worse... what if things a weird/not the same or maybe this is it...

I'm not sure how to really, express myself? My instinct would be to talk to her about it, but I have already done that and gotten a bit upset (which I feel a bit silly about ) which was before knowing and being told. If I go with
A concerned spouse''s falling down hole.... it feels like I've tried avoiding falling into the whole she is in and fell into my own