Relationship Not sure what to do

[CheshireCat]

Mainly having a little ramble now just as I don't know where to outlet, I have read the stress cup article linked earlier and wondering how it applies to me personally, currently feeling in a very emotional state, personally I've got my own bad stress getting to me a little bit and stuff that's gone on in my past as well which I know I should have dealt with better, and now I kinda feel like I'm overflowing which adds to the fear that with how the gf is feeling, not wanting to make her feel worse that I'm upset and push her further away, I want to talk about it rather than trying to keep it hidden and I know during this time I really shouldn't. Just feel lost what to do

 

[Sweetpea76]

She can't handle her own emotions right now, so she isn't going to be able to handle yours. If she just got diagnosed and started treatment she's going to be running in pure survival mode.

There are a few analogies we use to help supporters understand their sufferer's perspective.... @Sighs always uses the drowning analogy. You are desperately swimming in the rapids, barely keeping your head above water. Your partner can't dog paddle out to you and expect you to help her swim too. You are focused on survival. Right now with her PTSD, she is in survival mode. She can't figure out relationship issues or help you through any feelings you're having. Expecting your partner to be able to soothe, comfort, or have deep emotional relationship talks when they are symptomatic is not going to work. There is a time and place for things like that, but it's not when they're symptomatic.

Or try this one... put yourself in this situation. You have the absolute worst case of stomach flu you've had in your life. Laying on the bathroom floor, vomiting your brains out, and wanting to die. While you're hurling your guts out, your partner knocks on the door and tells you she's hungry and wants you to get her some food. You tell her you can't possibly right now, please give you some space. Ten minutes later you're still throwing up and she is knocking again asking if you're ready to get her some food yet. You ask her again, please give me some time. Ten minutes later, here she comes again. "You must not love me if you don't care that I'm hungry". Any other time you'd leap to get her some food, but you are just too damn sick to do it. This is how your partner is feeling right now... too sick to manage your problems. PTSD just isn't as visible as something like stomach flu. That's why it is a loving act to give her space. How much kinder would it have been in the stomach flu situation for your partner to realize you were ill and not take it personally? Maybe leave a blanket and some ginger ale by the door, then leave you to barf in peace while she fed herself?

Are your emotions and fears valid... absolutely. Should you discuss them with her? Sure, but not now. Normal relationship expectations have to be adjusted when you support somebody with mental health issues. It's not that she isn't willing to participate in discussions about your relationship or work on relationship issues, it's that she isn't able to... she just cannot do it.

 

[CheshireCat]

I do kinda get it all and know that there is an adjustment and everything, for some reason it's got to me and I'm putting it down to odd things in my past, generally try and keep happy and not show sadness and this has all seemed to just open the gates I know I need to give her space etc and not, just trying to work out how I need to act and what I can and can't say.

What kind of scare's me is, if she is in the survival kind of mode etc as I don't know what's what and what to do, not to accidently push her away or more so, gives up / doesn't want to try

Stuck in thought of it all, not knowing when I'll next see her again, what we are and how to be and just not seeming awkward....and just wondering if I've been more damaging when I thought was loving and reassuring, if you went with the stomach flu analogy, I'd think of it more of, rather than food, your partner being ill and checking they was OK more than needed and if they needed anything, you're sure theyd call to you but you just wanna try and make it easier for them

 

[CheshireCat]

What it feels like is, I wanted to make her happy which i use to and now I'm at least for the moment I'm not (or for however long) and feel like it's things i have or haven't done, ptsd is a new element introduced which maybe is the cause and I am over thinking stuff. I don't know how much it helps that she still has regular contact with her ex that caused the damage (or some of it as I'm not sure how much there is) which she keeps a friendly contact with despite all that went off mainly for the children...

Just stuck thinking about everything

 

[Sweetpea76]

if you went with the stomach flu analogy, I'd think of it more of, rather than food, your partner being ill and checking they was OK more than needed and if they needed anything,

This may be an issue that's not making sense to you. If you constantly contact a sufferer who needs some time and space you are adding more stress, even if it's just to check on them and make sure they're OK.

Have you ever been having such a bad day that when the phone rang you just couldn't deal with it, so you let it go to VM? It's like that, but on steroids. So imagine not only could you not deal with it, but every time the phone rang you felt more and more guilty for not answering it. Then the guilt spiraled into self loathing. Like "all I do is hurt people who love me because I can't even answer the damn phone. I'm a horrible person". Then stress, and more stress.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there ChesireCat. Glad you're reaching out for information. Knowledge is power!

I have been with my guy for 5 years and I'm still learning how to support him. Every day is different. We live together and love each other very much. When he is in a bad place I let him reach out to me. I keep conversation light hearted, nothing serious or sad. It would push him over the edge to discuss serious issues.

Since we do live together he is unable to isolate himself from me. But I give him all the space he needs. I do my own things sometimes. Friends. Family. Biking. Reading. Learning about PTSD... When he's feeling better he'll come to me and slowly open up again. I never take it personally as I know he doesn't WANT to shut me out he just wants to get his head clear of all the horrible memories.

He opens up alot to me, more than some couples I know without PTSD in the mix. He's still learning who he is now. He knows he's not the same person he was. And it took him literally years of therapy to come to grips with that.

Your girl is just starting her journey. It's gonna get ugly. Therapy is brutal. I've been with J through all of it. And some of it was hell. But I knew he could do it and he was determined to "work the program". He still is. (so proud of him!).

I don't know where I'm going with all of this...lol

I think you're lucky to have each other. But you have to relax and slow waaaaay down. She reached out for medical care. HUGE accomplishment!! Bravo to her! Now let her receive the care she needs and WANTS! Be there as she needs. Only text once a day. And maybe just send a :)
Seriously, a simple "how was your day?" CAN be too much.

While she's starting therapy you have things to do too. Research PTSD relationships. Decide if you're really up for it. It won't be a fairytale!!! Read around the supporter section here. Lots of reality there.

I hope I made some kind of sense. Take what works and leave the rest.

A PTSD relationship is hard. But doable. As a supporter sometimes it really sucks. So imagine how it is for the survivors?? I love J and we have built a great, happy, fun life. PTSD isn't going to win this one. J has had PTSD for almost 30 years. And in therapy only these last 5. His life before therapy was ...out of control. Destroyed relationships. Self medication. Legal problems. Let your girl work on herself. Please. Her life depends on it.

I'll stop now.
You're welcome;)

✌ & ❤ to both of you.

 

[LuckiLee]

One more thing. There is no cure for PTSD. It's a lifelong illness. It becomes manageable but the symptoms are always there. Depression. Isolation. Rage. Avoidance. Anxiety. Sleep disorders. etc.
Something you may want to consider.

 

[CheshireCat]

@leehalf I know that it'd be for life and that it will be hard and I also know I haven't made a good start to this :( or really know what this is yet, and at the moment it is still the feeling that I'm losing her.

She has my support, she has been through a lot and I want to help make things better for her. Just hope she wants to give it a try and not let the past still have control (easier said than done I know )

I am trying to listen to everyone's advice and grateful for all the replies :) there is a lot I will have to get my head around and learn how to handle myself but if it's due to a condition it can be a bit different rather than seeming like everything falling apart for no reason

 

[Freida]

I feel your pain, confusion, anxiety and fear. I've been down this road many times. To man...

Here's a some thoughts from the other side if you would like...

@A concerned spouse and @sweatpea76 hit it dead on. My hubby and I have been together for a long time. For the first 5 years he was never sure if I would be home when he got there or if I would be sending him postcards from the peace core. We didn't know at the time that I had PTSD - but I did know that my instinct was to never stay in one place too long. My coping method was to run - and I did. We finally (with the help of a great counselor) came to the agreement that if I take off I promise to call him the same day and let him know I am OK.

Once I got an official diagnosis and started treatment things have gotten both better and worse for him. Better-because I am learning coping techniques. Worse - because I'm having to face up to my demons and that can send me into some pretty dark places. And no matter how much he loves me and wants to help this is my fight. There isn't much he can do to make it easier. So my thoughts for you are to let her take the lead - and don't try to overthink what she is doing. If she's like me, some days she wants cuddles and some days she wants to punch you in the head for touching her -- and there is no rhyme or reason. Accept that you can't "fix" it. Know that this ptsd crap is horrible, horrible, horrible and I always feel like crap when I realize I've taken it out on those around me.

To be honest I'm not sure how my hubby has hung in there all these years but even when I'm at my worse just knowing that he is is there is what always brings me back. He is what grounds me and reassures me that I am safe. Having someone willing to stand by me in the darkness as well as the light means more than words can say.

Hope that helps ......

 

[A concerned spouse]

I'm telling you straight up that you would benefit going to see a counselor that specializes in PTSD. I was a supporter for years and everyone told me that I needed to see my own counselor. My thought was always "I'm not the one with PTSD" but things go so bad and I was falling apart so finally I did. Not only did I learned more about PTSD and how to deal living with someone who has it, I learned a lot about myself and what my husbands PTSD had done to me. It created insecurities, internal panics, fear, confusion and the list goes on. I have no more knots in my stomach even when he is having a PTSD episode. We have created boundeties. I no longer enable him or feel that it's my responsibility to fix him. I no longer feel guilty for making matters worse because I've learned skills to not push him anymore. So please don't wait as long as I did to seek out professional help for yourself. You will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache!!!! You sound like a true keeper and you truly love her. I'm sure deep inside she knows that but right now she needs to heal.

 

[CheshireCat]

Thank you for all the advice you have been giving, i'm kinda using this thread as a bit of an outlet and will probably come across as ignoring everything and torn between is this just a general relationship thing or is it PTSD

I've been feeling upset overall, trying to make sense of what little has been said and thinking that the issue might be something simple and should be easy to resolve, whats left ringing around my head is that she still has feelings for me but doesn't know if she wants an us. i dont like the overall sudden distance, not really talking etc, felt like things were back on track and now everything is falling apart. I also get that with my thoughts im also being selfish, she atleast knows my feelings for her, that i'm here for her and want to support her. I know we are currently still in a relationship but its the overall not knowing, not knowing when i'll next see her, will we be alright or will things be over.

From not knowing what really went on in her past, if it is all related and giving her thoughts that it could happen again etc, watching vids and doing a bit of reading to try and understand a little bit, i can get that theres actions, things that i say etc which can bring up memories of what went on, i can get that whilst we was practically living together before anyway it wasn't 'official' and whilst we was sorting everything out to make it official it wasn't 'real' then as it got to the last stage possibly started sinking in and panic especially with the odd trigger in the previous week(s) but was still meant to of been fine up untill the point.

I also get that i can be a bit needy, i love spending time with her, with how we both work we don't get lots of proper time together apart from really going to bed and waking up, then with kids wanting her attention, i do get overall a wanting time to herself, what doesnt help for me is that with how my job is i work on my own and alot of the time, especially recently ive got too much time to myself and no interaction with others and now with all of this i am even more stuck in my thoughts. I've been trying to distract myself but just running out of what i can do, today i just feel like im falling apart :/ I've tried speaking to friends/family but hasnt really been a help, it feels like theres only really one person i need to speak to that will give a bit of sense/direction/closure but then its a delicate situation that i could very easily make worse which is the last thing i want to do. Don't want to lose her and want to try and make it work etc.

I just wanna know whats going on, what she wants to do, would she be considering seeking help etc, if she was looking to seek therapy, i completely agree with that i should also go to and will benefit to be able to learn how to deal/cope with and understand more and probably just helpful overall for myself. Today just feels like a bad day, i dont feel as upset as i have been but just that im losing it all...i wonder if im on her mind as much as she is on mine or if she is just enjoying just having herself

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is having an official relationship something that is very important to you? Do you need the parameters laid out? And if so, is not having them going to be a deal breaker?