Relationship Maybe its me...

[Sighs]

I think I am incapable of having a functional relationship.
The honest truth is that I don't think I deserve love. I am not my authentic self in relationships because I do not believe that anyone would love my authentic self. Then, when it becomes too hard to maintain the facade of a person I am presenting, I begin to resent the man for "requiring" the facade - even though he didn't - I chose to present that to him.

 

[Never_falter2]

I really do not think you are unable to have a functional relationship. You come across very nice, friendly, always wanting to help and ready to lent an ear.

But I know what you are talking about. Not sure if this is helpful, but I'll share something... I often feel like I am inadequate, don't know how to dress, don't know how to tell a funny story, not very smart, inadequate in every way... and I fear that one day everybody will find our how inadequate I am. Add to this the fact that I have a hubby, who likes to play the smug one but I know inside he often feels inadequate. So I often feel like we are the most inadequate couple.

But I think (or at least I hope) that this is only how I see myself. In case of my guy, who in a weak movement shared with me he feels like much of a burden and always in the way, I know it is not true. It is only what his self-esteem tells him.

Why fo you feel undeserving of love?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sighs Im relatively new here so I needed to go back and speed read through most of your posts. It is my sense that you deserve love. As I read through a lot of your posts over the years, I saw my own stories. As I talk to my therapist, she makes me see where I have been beaten down to the extent I doubt myself. She tells me I've done it to myself because I didn't have the coping skills that I'm learning now. It's a tough road we travel as supporters and I think it actually changes who we are or think who we are. I'm hoping therapy gives me back what I've lost. There is no blame here. I walk this path willingly as we all do.

I'm sorry you hurt and I do understand. Hugs for you if you'll accept them from me :hug:

 

[scout86]

The honest truth is that I don't think I deserve love

If that's a accurate assessment, it's a feeling you share with a lot of people. It's also something that can be changed. (At least that's what I'm told.) I've honestly wondered about exactly that sometimes, reading your posts. Your guy, for all his good points, doesn't treat you was well as you deserve. (Obviously, I get that he's got issues. Me too.) I've wondered why you stay. I know you love him, but I've wondered.

Anyway, are you in therapy yourself? Going to therapy doesn't mean you're crazy you know. It might help you sort things out for yourself a bit and that might be good. :hug: (Picture the official Friday, one arm, not real comfortable with it version of a hug. LOL)

 

[Sighs]

Why fo you feel undeserving of love?

Because I have never felt unconditionally loved. My father is also a combat veteran, who suffered from untreated PTSD, self medicated with alcohol and suffered episodes of rage and was hypercritical. My mother was obsessed with my older brother who suffered head injuries during a traumatic birth and was born "flat". (Apgar score of 1 at 1 minute and 0 at 5 minutes.) He suffered from behavioural problem and learning difficulties. I was taught from the very earliest age to suppress my abilities lest I "show up" my older brother and to suppress my wants and needs lest I aggravate my father. In some ways I have plenty of insight and understand things intellectually, but I don't seem able to translate that into anything that changes my feelings or actions.

are you in therapy yourself?

er... sort of. I had something of a good old fashioned nervous breakdown back in April and my GP sent me to the local hospital in an ambulance. I then had a few sessions with the community mental health team, but found the language barrier (the lady was Indian and her English was poor) too much. I was referred to the local Domestic Violence counsellor and I see her once a fortnight. She's great but she so often says to me that she is totally over her head in this situation because she is not a trauma therapist.

Sigh!

 

[scout86]

One of the many things you deserve is some help sorting all this out. Maybe that DV counselor can refer you to someone.

The most obvious road block to me starting therapy was a combination of not recognizing things as actually being "problems" and a kind of quiet belief that I didn't deserve any better than where I was at. Those things are still part of the picture, but therapy had been a lot of help. You deserve the help too. You might think of it as your oxygen mask.

 

[dulcia]

I think he's just starting to wear you down.

 

[Buttercup]

You definitely deserve love. You are so selfless and give so much, you need some of that in return.

Unfortunately, your current relationship reinforces your feelings of being unlovable over and over again.

It's really easy for me to say this stuff, but I know and realize how hard it is for you to take action.

:hug:

 

[grimalkin]

@Sighs *hugs if you want them* I feel you. My relationship (or the ending of my relationship and the beginning of remission of my own mental illness) has brought up all sorts of crap I've just glossed over my whole life, that I'm finally dealing with, at 42. The right counselor (and meds) has made all the difference, really.

It wasn't until we started marriage counseling, and then I started my own counseling, that I finally realized that while I may have had "unconditional love" from my parents, I most certainly didn't have unconditional acceptance of who I am, fundamentally. And it made me realize how much damage that did to me, and continues to do to me.

Just because we are flawed, does not mean we are not worthy of love and respect. Just because we were taught (by our parents, our partners, the other people in our lives) that our needs, wants, and desires aren't "acceptable" or "valuable," doesn't make it true. Just because we've made mistakes in our relationships doesn't make us unlovable.

Just like we tell people about our sufferers - flaws don't make us less worthy.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don't we all present a facade at times? Everybody is on their best behavior at the beginning of relationships... isn't that a facade of sorts? Is the honeymoon phase a big facade itself? Letting your authentic self out is a process.

 

[nursenurse]

I begin to resent the man for "requiring" the facade - even though he didn't - I chose to present that to him.

Dear Sighs, this makes me think you are trying to blame yourself.....what you should resent is the awful treatment you have been given through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN. Your authentic self has done more for him than he will ever know. You are tired and plain worn out from an abusive relationship. When will you say enough?

I see a valuable, loving and giving woman who deserves so much better in the name of love and just about everything else. He goes to his doctor, and basically pays him lip service with no follow through. He isn't trying hard enough. You are bending further than a tree blasted by Hurricane Irma. And those trees snap, do something before you snap as well.

True love and acceptance come from within. If you do not love yourself, figure out why, with help if necessary. It can't be based on what others think of you. A healthy relationship begins with a healthy you, mentally and physically. But it is next to impossible to work on that aspect of you when in a toxic relationship that is draining your life force from you.

Just my opinion.