Relationship Heartbroken, should i wait for him?

[heartbroken0907]

This is going to be a long story, but I really devastated and every part of my body is hurting so much.

Me and my ex started dating our long term relationship around 3 years ago (I couldn't leave because of school), and throughout this time, we had am amazing time together. We went on trips together, me and I frequently visited each other and I even moved into an airbnb place with him for 2 months just this past summer. Except everyone just went downhill from there. I have always known that he's got ptsd, anxiety and depression due to a childhood trauma and I love this guy so much that I am willing to stand by him no matter what because in the past he's done the same for me. We've never talked about the future much and I've always thought maybe some days he would be moving to my country to be with me. (That's our initial plan, however now that I think of it, he did give me a few hints here or there that he wouldn't be able to come, I'm just very slow and didn't get it) Anyway, during this summer, he did seem more stressed out than usual while working part timely as usual. I thought everything was going great, he brought me to see his family more often and even introduced me to his best friends. Right when I thought everyone was going great, he told me he wanted a break at the end of the summer (right when I was about to leave and head back to my country) and said he needed to time to figure stuff for himself and he hated the feeling when I wasn't there.

I was offened at first but agreed to the break afterward. So we went from messaging each other every day to messaging and checking up on him once or twice every week. (Lasted for 2 months) Until about a month ago, I've decided to ask for a skype call and talked it out. I told him I was planning to move back to my hometown (which is where he's staying) and found a job instead. He was very excited saying we should move in together as soon as I'm back and that we should get a dog etc. Even until last week, we skyped twice (he initiated one of the skype call) and we had really nice time talking about random stuff, him saying sweet thing to me telling me he will be my last man and he want to be with me forever. I love this man, he's everything I could have asked for, a loving, caring man who will always put me as priority.

After the break, I made sure to give him space and not to message him as often. Never expect him to reply me right away and let him do his stuff when he said he's busy (studying or wanting to sleep early) Even just the night before, he gave me a kiss emoji when we said goodnight.

I've reading a lot about his condition for a few months so that I know more how to cope with his condition. And he could see that, and have been telling me himself that he has just decided to start medication (he said he would try out new med this time) and therapy sessions again. (he stopped doing all these before meeting me) I was so happy that he shared that info with me, and the past two mornings, I did send out messages asking him how he slept. (he usually have trouble sleeping) Anyway, jump to just two nights ago (which was his morning time), I send him a greeting message as usual and he told me he's feeling better. Then I replied him saying that I'm so glad that he's already feeling better and I have been thinking about him a lot and that I will always be there for him. He read it on whatsapp and didn't reply at all. I knew something was wrong but I decided to just wait till his night time to message him again anyway.

Then that's when out of the blue, he told me he couldn't do it anymore. He was saying how I'm better off with someone else in my country, and that he has nothing else to offer me. He doesn't want to be with me or anyone. When I started saving our relationship by saying that we should talk about this again when he calms down the next morning, he basically just lashed out, asked me to f**k off and kept saying how pathetic and sad our relationship was. Saying it is exhausting for him to be with me, but just long distance, but even when I was there with him at his home country. However, I know we had an amazing time and I could tell that he was really happy that I was with him, hanging out with his fam and friends together with him so on. He kept asking me to move on and found someone better and that it's over.

Which left me very confused about everything. I was heartbroken because I really do love him in a way that I've ever loved anyone before. with that being said, I was worried about him and asked him mom if he's alright. (me and his mom are pretty close) Earlier this morning, his mom told me how she talked to him and they talked for a long time about the split and seemed that he has already made up his mind about it and think it's the best for us. His mom really liked me and told me she could tell he loves me very much and very sad about this split. She also told me that his current main concern was that he sees no future for himself in success and finance security and has no energy for relationship right now. His mom could tell that something's off for him during the summer and that his depression episodes has always happened over the summer time. In the end, I sent him multiple messages saying that no matter what he says, I think everything we had was beautiful and I will never forget him and will always be here for him. He just kept emphasizing that this is not my fault but his own and that I should find someone else.

So, in all, I am left here devastated and heartbroken. My body and my heart aches so much every time I think about all the amazing lovely time we've had together. He has never lashed out on me during the past 3 years and I do understand it must have been hard for him to keep it like for that long. I have even already started planning to sell my car and everything in order to move in with him, we were even planning to meet up in London for a short vacation just last Friday. His mom told me she caught him crying just the morning of the day he broke it off with me, he was crying while staring at his phone. So I'm sure if it's something that I said might have startled him. (all i said was that I'm glad he's getting better already and I will always be there for him) I'm seriously so heartbroken and confused and wanted to be there for him so bad when he just started his recovery journey again.

I am just so confused, is it his ptsd, his depression, his new med or his heart talking? I love this man so much and don't want to give up. Is there any chance he will come back? I know he loves me, he even said so himself, it's just I understand how overwhelming everything is for him, especially when he's struggling with finance and finding clarity in life when he's hitting 30 already. (He mentioned to his mom that he doesn't want to be a stay at home dad while i'm working and that he doesn't have prospect for life) I understand his need for space, and I have decided to do the usual 30 days no contact rule, so that he has the space and time he needs. But at the same time, I would like to focus on myself and also tell him that I will be stronger and be always be here whenever he needs me, always willing to help him if he lets me.

Do you have any suggestions how I can go around that? how I can prove my love to him while not bothering him too much? Or any people here with similar stories that can share?

Sorry for the length of this post, I tried to keep it short.

 

[EveHarrington]

It doesn't really matter what is talking-----him, the PTSD, the depression, whatever.

There is a big danger in assuming the real him wants to be in a relationship and it's just the PTSD that's causing him to break up with you.

I think it would be best to shift your mindset. It's not a matter of proving your love to him, and it never will be.

 

[heartbroken0907]

It doesn't really matter what is talking-----him, the PTSD, the depression, whatever.

There is...

Thanks for your input, I totally understand your point of view. The reason why I was confused was how fast he changed his mood/decision, we were doing okay the night before, then he decided to break it off the next morning with a pretty harsh and cold tone.

 

[Buttercup]

I know it's heartbreaking and so confusing to have this happen. Just letting him know you're there if and when he needs you is all you can do. You're on the right track with your plan. Stay strong.

 

[dulcia]

Then that's when out of the blue, he told me he couldn't do it anymore. He was saying how I'm better off with someone else in my country, and that he has nothing else to offer me. He doesn't want to be with me or anyone. When I started saving our relationship by saying that we should talk about this again when he calms down the next morning, he basically just lashed out, asked me to f**k off and kept saying how pathetic and sad our relationship was. Saying it is exhausting for him to be with me, but just long distance, but even when I was there with him at his home country. However, I know we had an amazing time and I could tell that he was really happy that I was with him, hanging out with his fam and friends together with him so on. He kept asking me to move on and found someone better and that it's over.

Okay so I feel for you 100% on this. I have been through this scenario and almost the exact same conversation with my partner more times than I can count during our relationship. What I have learned is that, when something like this happens, you have to just disengage. It seems like you have at least some ability to tell when he is regulated or not -- your response to his comments about talking about this again when he calms down the next morning is exactly what I would have suggested, but then you have to take the next step and disengage. Tell him you would like to talk about it when he cams down the next morning and that you will speak to him then and then turn off your phone. I mean seriously, stop looking at it, freeze it in a block of ice, put it in airplane mode, whatever. And then try talking to him again the next morning. My partner's go to when he's stressed is to lash out at me, which includes harshly criticizing me and our relationship, minimizing our relationship to be nothing, and a lot of "I'm done" and "I've been done for a while now". I am not saying that PTSD excuses either of their behaviors or that it is okay to treat a partner like that, but that's the way I know my partner responds to stress -- fight, not flight.

With that being said......Eve made a good point.

There is a big danger in assuming the real him wants to be in a relationship and it's just the PTSD that's causing him to break up with you.

I actually just kind of argued the same point on another post. It is important to keep in mind that there are not two versions of your guy -- there's not a nice him and a PTSD him -- they are one person. He could behave like this forever. The two of you could do this back and forth for years. He may never be able to commit to you or a future with you. Are you okay with that? Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want for him? PTSD never really goes away....but it can be managed better with things like therapy, medication, etc.

My advice would be take some time to focus on you. You asked, "Is there any chance he will come back?". We can't know. You can't know. Right now, he may not even know. And no amount of worrying or loving gestures or space can make that decision for him -- only he can. So, why not focus on something you can change -- yourself. Find a new hobby, hit the gym, learn a new recipe, try something new, give yourself some extra 'me' time. If he is able to figure out how to regulate himself and comes back and y'all discuss a way to work things out moving further? You'll be in better shape than ever to start that with him (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.). If it doesn't work out that way? You'll be in better shape (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to deal with that possibility, too.

 

[heartbroken0907]

Okay so I feel for you 100% on this. I have been through this scenario and almost the exact same convers...

almost the exact same convers...[/QUOTE]
Hey dulcia! Thank you so much for your input! I wish I did the disengage part right away after he said that. Instead we argued for a bit and then stopped texting altogether. now he will just never reply or talk to me in any way. However, after talking to his fam, I've come to realize that he is at the stage of isolating himself from everyone. Apparently after he broke up with me, he was very unwell for a few days, kept smashing up the apartment and even hurt himself throughout the process. I understand how he has a lot to deal with right now and he's at the stage of isolating himself and pushing everyone including me and his best friends away, so that he can fight all the negative thoughts in his head. However, what hit me the most is that he mentioned how he has been thinking about the break up for a long time and asked me not to bring my hopes up thinking it's only because of the medication. He seems so determined that he made the right choice. I understood I have to put his well-being before myself at the moment, I haven't contacted him at all after the break up to give him space and peace. Has your guy ever said the same thing as well? I'm pretty new to all these because it's the first time he has lashed out on me after 3 years. How long does the episode usually last? Everytime I think of him suffering and having suicide thought, I just started crying and just hoped that I could share at least half of his pain so that he doesn't have to suffer as much.

 

[dulcia]

Yes, he does say those things. What I'm starting to realize is that, when he's mad and says things like "it's been over for a few months now", "you're not the one for me", "I could never marry you"....he means it. In that moment he means it and no amount of reasoning or pleading will change his mind until he calms down and starts to process, then he may take back what he said or apologize after a few days.

Now remember, that's just my experience with my guy. In no way am I saying to everyone whose partner says these things that he doesn't mean it and don't believe him when he says he's done or that he wants to leave the relationship. What I'm saying is that MY guy has a pattern and it plays out the same way every time, for more times than I can count. I would say just keep giving space like you are and go with your gut. I don't know this guy, but you do. PTSD manifests differently in people, symptoms and stress responses can vary greatly.

 

[LuckiLee]

Have you read about the stress cup?

Good luck!

 

[heartbroken0907]

Have you read about the stress cup?

Good luck!

Thanks! I actually just happened to read this post an hour ago. At this moment, I could only focus on myself and believe that he will come around. I've reading so much about his condition and upgrading myself at the same time. At this point, I could only hope that he will come around soon and by that time, I will be ready for it.

 

[heartbroken0907]

Yes, he does say those things. What I'm starting to realize is that, when he's mad and says things like...

I totally understand, everyone's situation is different. It's just it's the first time he's ever lashed out on me and asked me to f*k off when I tried to talk to him. I know he's just started taking medication last week and is going to be start his therapy session after a long time sometimes this coming weekend. I really hope all these will be able to help him to feel calmer and better soon.

 

[EveHarrington]

I totally understand, everyone's situation is different. It's just it's the first time he's eve...

Ehhhhh, in a word, no.

Therapy oftentimes makes things a LOT worse, sometimes for a period of time. It is rare that one starts therapy and sees improvement in the form of better mood/behavior soon-----at least when it comes to PTSD/trauma. This isn't your run of the mill talk about it, get it off your chest, and feel instant relief.

 

[WTF Happened]

Great insight from Eve on what therapy feels like for a sufferer.

From a former supporter I can tell you: when my ex decided to go into therapy -- something she had been putting off for years but felt motivated to do after extreme overwhelm -- that's when she went from depressed/suicidal/isolating to having really bad panic attacks to eventually becoming emotionally numb. The last I heard on the subject, she was thinking of no longer seeing her therapist because "she wasn't very good." Maybe they were a bad fit, maybe therapy was a lot harder than she realized. Wherever she is, I hope she gives it another try and finally faces her demons.