Is this a thing?

[Buttercup]

- I wonder if we get into relationships with people who aren't available for some reason?

I definitely, 100% think so. It's safe, isn't It? In a sense. Especially if you feel unworthy, as you say.

That said I don't want to continue that pattern at all. Trying to get away from that.

 

[Teasel]

That said I don't want to continue that pattern at all. Trying to get away from that..

Me either. Can you say anything about how you're changing it?

 

[Buttercup]

For me, it's all about forcing myself. Working past my fears and insecurities. Being open and honest (as much as I can be) with my feelings and intentions. And, may sound hokey, but also envisioning what I really want and how I want to be. And forgiving myself when I make mistakes.

It is hard! But gets easier with practice and for me is a struggle. In my current situation when I feel a prickly fear that this relationship could very well be taking off to the next level, and omg he will see all of my flaws and faults, I remind myself of my vision and what I want for my future and take lots of deep breaths and just move forward as best I can.

I've done a lot of reading and self work lately. I highly recommend Marianne Williamson especially if you are spiritual at all, but even if you're not. She talks a lot about self forgiveness and has taught me a lot. I'm not sure she is everyone's cup of tea, though.

Even if not, reading and research could be a good start.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Buttercup O. Wish you well :-)

I don't want any romantic relationships in the near future, I haven't had any non abusive romantic relationships so I am intending to avoid all that for some time to come.
I am looking forward to being abuse free for the first time in a very long time. I am looking forward to being single and finding out who I am on my own.

I do however want to develop some good friendships.

I mean I do have some friends I love very much, and I do push past my social anxiety to see them. There's lots of room to further that though. Lots.

And I guess I don't yet know how much of an impact leaving him is going to have on me for good and bad....

It's quite exciting :-)

I was thinking about this post earlier, specifically about how incredibly difficult it is for me to think clearly about these issues. And how f***ing dumb that makes me feel. And I think that is one of the ways this relationship has affected me. Years of gaslight in will do that I guess.

I wonder if it will improve over time?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it really devastates one's soul, confidence, and perception @Bearlinda . I was never confident, but I was mostly fairly indifferent to or bout myself- always figured I don't understand what men would see in me, but I'd think Idk, crazy thing the 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder thing, weird'. But over time, I lost any 'confidence' (?) in myself, and I feel (internally) mostly uncomfortable everywhere and with everyone, male or female. I question my whole existence, mostly, or right to it. :(

And the gross fact is that the less you want anyone to make a move, the more that do. It's really sincerely exactly like when you're praying in class the teacher won't call on you, and they do. :(

I think take however long, or whatever feels necessary, you need. :hug: Xox.

 

[Buttercup]

I hear You @Bearlinda about not wanting a romantic relationship going forward with your life. It sounds like a great plan! I wish you the very best and lots of strength as you make these changes in your life.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's hard, only speaking for myself, to think of romance or worse yet relationships after being emotionally, mentally and/ or physically battered or harmed. I think it involves a lot of recovery. JMHO. Shutting down and fear and mistrust and avoidance are just some of the outward responses or manifestations, until they become routine and 'individualized' as @Bearlinda said. Then the desire for better or different isn't even there, eventually. It seems impossible, and not worth the risk.

 

[Teasel]

Thinking on it :-)

 

[barefoot]

I mean I do have some friends I love very much, and I do push past my social anxiety to see them. There's lots of room to further that though.

I guess this seems to be a good place to start? Friends who you already care about and trust and where there is mutual respect. What’s the “room to further” these relationships? Is it that you want to be able to see them more or speak to them more or interact with/connect with them on a different level to how you currently do? Or something else?

It's quite exciting

I’m excited for you!

 

[Teasel]

I think it really devastates one's soul, confidence, and perception

@Junebug
Yes, I have felt truly devastated. For years life was really unbearable and I didn't see any way out. I really wished to get a terminal disease. Several years I wished that.
And I don't know, going forward there's no guarantees of any kind about what my life will be like but I am so looking forward to the opportunity :)
Thanks for sharing that you relate tho of course I'm sad you can.
I know what you mean about people being attracted to you when you aren't looking. So I guess I need to continue growing my 'f*ck off now please' aura hey - hope that makes sense - I didn't used to have any if that sort of boundary. I'm much better at it now. Still room for more improvement though. And I do want to do some self defence courses soon too.
I agree a lot of revovery needs to take place before considering a new relationship and I really don't want to go there at the moment.
:hug:

@barefoot Yes definitely :-)

What’s the “room to further” these relationships?

Oh lots and lots, I guess stepping back and looking at things, over the past couple years I have been withdrawing from friendships which were really not good for me. And realised there was just 1 or 2 good friendships left.

I would like gradually to build up more similarly equal and caring friendships. But even with the friends I still have I feel ever such an intense nervousness and panic sometimes. I'm sure I can work on that though.

See them more yes, speak more yes, on a different level - yes I think so, more intimate, more relaxed n fun too.

I think as far as being more intimate goes - There's lots o elements to that to think about - the balance of being honest about who I am and what's going on for me vs being too much for someone... sort of I guess there's the normal growing pains too, learning to judge things... and managing my emotions over any anxieties etc.

Bless you for asking these questions, they are so very helpful in allowing me to begin thinking about all this with some little bit of clarity and that actually means the world just now :hug:

 

[barefoot]

over the past couple years I have been withdrawing from friendships which were really not good for me

This is great!

But even with the friends I still have I feel ever such an intense nervousness and panic sometimes.

Do you know what it is that makes you feel nervous and panic?

more relaxed n fun too.

Sounds good :)

The balance between being authentic and honest about who you are and what’s going on for you and being “too much” for someone is partly about building a healthy relationship with that other person and also partly about building a healthy relationship with yourself, I think. Because, in true friendship, I don’t know that there really is such a thing as being “too much” - we accept all aspects of our true friends (even the challenging parts) because all aspects of them make them who they are and, ultimately, we love who they are. So, I think our anxieties about “being too much” or putting someone off us often start with the way we feel about ourself - that we do not fully accept ourself and do not feel much self-compassion. So, often, the way to work on relationships and intimacy with others is to work on ourselves first - self love and self acceptance first :)

Of course, sometimes we believe these things about ourselves because someone else has told us that we are too much this or not enough that and we have felt unloveable or unworthy. But they are not examples of good, healthy relationships with good, healthy people. And yet we often give their views so much power. They are not useful or accurate blue prints either for how we should see ourselves or how we can look to relate to others.

Anyway...I’m spouting on here when I’m increasing realising that intimacy is a huge challenge for me. So, maybe I am not the one to listen to on this! :rolleyes:

 

[Teasel]

Just rereading this thread and I realise I am more isolated now even than I was when I posted this.

I don't know. I feel like on one hand I am turning a corner and making some really good improvements. And on the other it often feels like the worst time of my life.. Maybe both are true!

Then the desire for better or different isn't even there, eventually. It seems impossible, and not worth the risk.

I have increasingly been feeling this way. But I do think things could get better in ways I can't necessarily imagine. Though of course the reverse is true also..

The balance between being authentic and honest about who you are and what’s going on for you and being “too much” for someone is partly about building a healthy relationship with that other person and also partly about building a healthy relationship with yourself,

Yes, this^^

I'm sure that improving my relationship with myself will be key in improving my relationship with others. And I know I'm improving my relationship with myself so..

(Phew :D)