Therapy is going down hill or is that part of the process

[Hooper]

My last thread on the subject was "Best thing for him really, his therapy was going nowhere". I've actually been doing a lot of introspection and wonder if therapy is really good for everyone. According to my wife and therapist I am taking on her trauma to deal with my own which I never dealt with. So about half of the few thousand I've spent on therapy has been digging up what I buried in my childhood. Burying traumatic experience has a practical purpose that should not be discounted. I consider myself a critical thinker (although I may be delusional) but the more I look at my childhood the angrier I get. My mother's side of the family thought the best thing for our family was to charge my father with a felony that although he was convicted of he was exonerated on appeal. All over $39,000 of which went to 3 people. It was a family business and my great aunt was a beneficiary along with my uncle and mother so basically $13k a piece. My great aunt knew the charge was a sham and although she wanted the $13k she knew her mother gave it to my father and did not seek repayment. My mother had a joint account the money was deposited in she benefited from and spent some of what would have been her portion and my uncle lost his $13k that my Mom could have easily paid back to protect the welfare of her children from the harm of seeing their father go to jail. As a 13-14 year old I watched my father convicted to what would have been a state penitentiary. I knew what was in store for him so my mother and my uncle tried to put my father in jail where God knows what would have happened to him but if I knew at 13-14 they did as well. I knew it at 13-14 but as an adult the fact that the charges were crap and they would do this to their nephews/sons father makes me angrier.

As for why I went to therapy due to my wife's rape I've gotten angrier as well. Therapy has allowed me to open up and talk about it but as I do I learn not only was my wife raped but both of my brothers wives were as well. Each rape took place before we were together with our wives but for some reason it bothers me far more than my brothers as did what happened to my father. Maybe I was well aware of the consequences and they were not. I do know 6 out of 1000 rapists go to jail but the only ones I know whose rapist did time were 13-14 with 20 plus year old rapists. Of the .6% conviction rate I'd like to know how many were convicted because the rapists were older and their victims were below the statutory age. I know for a fact the victims are revictimized in court. I know my wife is protective of her rapist. Why I don't know.

What is clear is I have anger issues that effect my sleep. I have issues with justice because there is none unless you feel a .6% conviction rate of an epidemic is justice. What is clear is I should be angry and I should have no faith in justice. I have faith in injustice but if I take part in it I am likely to be incarcerated for trying to achieve some form of justice/karma if caught. I'm at the point where I wish I kept everything buried. I really think I was better off. I was happier, more functional, slept better and drank a lot less.

Now there is no going back. I've dug up was buried and can't just rebury it. According to my wife I need therapy more than ever which she insisted on in the first place. Is this just par for the course of therapy or am I just one of those who never should have went? I really don't see an end in sight. To make matters worse I have a higher sex drive than my wife. The thought she has sex with me when she doesn't want to bothers me to no end. We made a compromise a while back to put an end to my guilt but it's still there. I have quit initiating for almost a week now to gauge the difference. We haven't had sex since. What I'll never know is whether that is her norm or an effect of her rape. I guess we we will discuss it tonight.

 

[ladee]

Well, we all know we can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. So regardless of how it happened, here you are, with these unresolved feelings and angry about it... Do you know if you have PTSD? That would explain some of the anger and the regret for opening that door to begin with...
But you do sound like a man who thinks things thru... and since the memories and pain have surfaced, you will be better served by continuring to deal with what you are feeling and learn to deal with the fall out. This is not an easy journey by any means... but apparently things surfaced for a reason... maybe you weren't as well rounded as you feel you were... who knows.


Glad you reached out and decided to talk about it... I think we all feel pretty much the same about injustice. And altho Karma is slow sometimes, beats going to jail...

 

[Friday]

For most of my life I have had exactly the right people in it, at exactly the right time.

When that happened? I didn't need therapy. Because I had it. In the form of mentors, friends, lovers, even the occasional stray enemy... I had people in my life who were highly educated and experienced in exactly what I needed to learn, do, & be to become the person I wanted to. To me? That's what a therapist is. No different than a doctor, mechanic, coach... Someone who is highly educated and experienced in something you want.

Now if your dad/ favorite auntie/ next door neighbor/ is a racecar mechanic & teaches you everything they know about cars? You probably don't have to go to college and spend 20k to learn how to become a top flight mechanic. Or enlist in the military. Or take a minimum wage job at a crappy garage. Because, by happenstance, you had that person in your life & they taught you for free. But, say that person wasn't in your life AND you wanted to become a mechanic? You're gonna have to chase that shit down. Ditto, if that person was -at best- a pretty crappy mechanic, you're still gonna have to chase that shit down... With the addition of unlearning all the wrong stuff they taught you, in addition to the right stuff, and the stuff you never learned.

You wanna learn how to sort this shit? That's what therapists do. That's their specialty. Doesn't mean it's the ONLY way, or avenue, or that they're all Carroll Shelby. But when you're looking for healthcare? Doctors. Auto repair? Mechanics. Psych? Therapists. At the very least, like Auto101, it's a place to start learning with people who do this for a living.

Where luck leaves off? You add determination. That simple.

 

[Hooper]

I don't know if I have PTSD or not but I doubt it as does my therapist. I'm not remotely religious but the first part of the serenity prayer of "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" does not apply to me. I wasn't granted anything remotely close to that. I've dealt with my toxic family by cutting them out of my life like a surgeon would a cancer. Dealing with my wife's rapist is far more difficult. She's more protective of him than the laws that were meant to stop him. I fail to understand how something that happens to 20-25% of women and 3% of men is so poorly prosecuted. An adult has to rape a child for anything to be done. I don't see myself getting anywhere and it is not because I don't want to. I know I can't stop rape. It's happening as I type. I know who raped my wife and I can do nothing about that either without doing serious harm to my relationship with my wife. No one seems to get why this bothers me so bad. My brothers whose wive's were raped don't. A good friend whose wife was raped doesn't. Between those 3 they have 4 daughters. The odds are high it could happen to 1 or more. Bring that fact up and they are one the same page as me but as to why they don't get how it has affected me when it happened to my wife is beyond me. Her rapist was 16 and she was 13. It was premeditated. How do you get a 13 year old girl out past midnight drinking? You do it on New Years Eve. How do you rape multiple 19 to 20 something women and get away with it? You make a $150 million as movie producer and fly your private jet to Europe for treatment until you know it's safe to come back or you need to fly to a country with no extradition treaty. Why do I get set off all of the time? Because it's so pervasive and not only do we not do anything to the perpetrators we attack the victims and damn if we didn't just elect one as president of the USA. At least that's what I think he is by nothing more than the words that came out of his own mouth that are recorded.

 

[scout86]

To answer your original question, I think it's not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better. And anger can sure be a doing off point asking the way. (My T once expressed to me that he "wished I would avoid visualizing solutions to problems that involve the use of firearms. :D)

A friend first told me he suspected I had PTSD a long time ago. I figured "what's a little hypervigilence? I've got this handled." I guess I didn't bury stuff deep enough.... I kind of think it's better to deal with it. Send like it just gets worse and there's a lot of things I would have done different, if I'd had more insight into what was going on my head.

But, where do you want to end up? What's the desired outcome for you? For your family?

 

[Hooper]

But, where do you want to end up? What's the desired outcome for you? For your family?

1. I'd like to end up at some form of peace that my wife has. I'd like to sleep regularly. I'd like to figure out a way to contribute to some form of prevention.
2. Same as above with the addition of getting out of therapy.
3. See to it that nothing like this ever happens to them and they know to respect people's boundaries.

 

[scout86]

Those are all good goals. And they seem like they're achievable. It might be a good idea to express them you your T, if you haven't.

See to it that nothing like this ever happens to them

That one...... I totally get where you've coming from on that. It's a good and honorable thing to want. I think it's also beyond your control. Don't get me wrong, there's lots you can do to teach them things that will help them stay safe. The reality is, bad things happen. And you know that. I'm going to offer another thought. That you find ways to teach them the kind of resilience and coping skills that will get them through what ever bad stuff happens in their lives. I think that's an option too. That they have you in their lives is a really good start, I think.

 

[Hooper]

I'm going to offer another thought. That you find ways to teach them the kind of resilience and coping skills that will get them through what ever bad stuff happens in their lives.

All I know from psychologists from my childhood was that I was highly dissociative (that's my recollection of a professional opinion at the time) and that I buried things. Now I'm an adult of questionable intelligence in my decision to take up my new past time of digging up what was perfectly well buried in an effort to deal with my current issue of my wife that has only served to make me angrier. I don't find myself as one who is capable of instructing my children who I value most in this life how to cope. I guess I can add this site to their favorites list since it has brought me relief but I'm still in the lying mode of teaching them Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are real but monsters are not. Maybe when they are at the point I can tell them the truth I can do that.

 

[scout86]

I was highly dissociative (that's my recollection of a professional opinion at the time) and that I buried things.

This is kind of off topic, but maybe it's not. I don't believe I've ever heard (read?) you mention getting that kind of a professional opinion as a child. You were burying stuff then? So........ not wanting to dig up something that should stay buried, but wondering how much of the buried stuff is floating around where you're aware of it now.

Where I was going with all that was that bad things happen. They seem to happen to good people more often than bad ones, but that might just be my perception. To quote Vince Lombardi (and probably a bunch of other people) it's not getting knocked down you need to worry about, it's getting back up. I think knowing how to do that, and seeing reasons to do it, are more important than never getting hurt.Which is good, considering that there's really no way we can actually keep the people we care about safe and also let them have a life.

Now we venture off into stuff that's JMO. Knowing that you love them and value them as much as you do ought to help. Knowing that you'll feel that way no matter what should help too. And knowing it's safe to come to you, when they need to, and that you're not going to go postal on them because of what you hear, ought to matter too. But, your T knows more about that than I do. I'm just imagining.

 

[Hooper]

Scout,
I can't remember everything I've written here. I was sent to a shrink along with my brothers during my parents divorce to determine how we were doing. Of the 3 I was affected most. If given the choice I sit in back corners and observe knowing how to get out which is odd because I don't know why I do that everywhere I go. I think it is because I do know bad things may be coming and want to be prepared although I don't carry a gun around because the risk is too great in my opinion. My 2nd shrink was a survivor of Auschwitz I went to see when I had a falling out with my Dad at 16. She had the numbered tattoo on her forearm. How I knew what it was I don't know. I do think that I was aware of certain things at a young age dictated I would be more damaged than my less aware brothers. I wish I was less aware myself. I was fascinated by dark things early. I read and watched everything I could on serial killers at a young age. I learned the definition of nude reading a newspaper article in the late 70's about some famous serial killer in California. It's not that I'm that my intrigue in the dark side was a bad thing but I guess I knew monsters existed at an early age.
I would never go postal on my children. Postal is not the correct term for where I would want to go if I knew for a fact a monster had done something to them. In the past hour I've watched a movie on mass killers. America Under Fire I think. It was on the Charleston church shooting. It's worth watching. Within 48 hours of a monster killing their family church members had forgiven him. Forgiveness is what I have to learn and teach. It applies to those that are not religious as much as anyone else. I'm more geared towards hatred which is emotional but intellectually it's the way to go. I've learned the oddest things from the strangest places. It's just the way things worked out.