Relationship I'm tired and am on the verge of quitting, but i don't want to lose my family...

[NaeNae75]

Hello, all. I've spent the better part of the evening reviewing some of my past journals and posts, and I think I may need to walk away and not let him come home. It breaks my damn heart, but it's already so flipping broken that what is the difference.

Upon reading the journal from last year at this time, I could just practically just change the dates and it would be the same damn story. I hardly had the strength to go though this last year, and I feel even weaker this year. I feel like such a failure. I hate quitting, and quitting on your family feels inexcusable to me. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to have anything.

I feel like it's true that I'm a monster and I did everything wrong....and now I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I'm completely losing control because I feel like I'm supposed to be strong, but I'm such a loser, that I can't handle it. Maybe he's right....maybe everything is my fault....that's what all of the rest of "them" always said.

I can't figure out if this keeps happening because I never was supposed to have a good life, because they always told me I wouldn't...Is everything messed up because I'm so awful that it's me that always makes everyone leave? ...and now that I've messed this all up, does that mean that I never will deserve to have someone actually love me for me instead of everything I "do" for them? That when they do step up to help out and do something I want or need, it gets thrown constantly in my face?

I won't make it if I'm told anymore how awful I am to be around....I won't make it if I'm constantly treated like I earned being disrespected...I can't do everything for everyone. I guess maybe I'm supposed to, but I'm a failure at that too. But it's awful to be point blankly told that I don't deserve respect from you or your 11 year old.

I'm tired of being led around on a leash. I'm going to have this little meltdown, but for my kids - I'll find something in me to get up in the morning. Then I'll find a reason to get dressed. I won't even give you the satisfaction of hating you so you can make your accusations of me being a monster true.

I don't want to lose the rest of my family, but I have no choice. He tells me over and over it's "his right" to leave whenever he wants. No shit. You've made that perfectly clear. But why is it that we could never be married because of how awful a woman was that you were with for 10 months 10 years ago, but you can walk away from me so cavalierly after almost 8 years of my blood, sweat and tears to keep you and your son happy? Just because she tricked you into having a son? Well, you made sure we could never have kids.

Yes, sweetheart, you have every right to keep leaving me and the other people (the kids) you claim to love and want to protect. I have absolutely no control over your actions. Even when you accuse me of being controlling...which I am not, I realize there is nothing I can do to "make" you do anything. But why is it that you can be so aware of that, but not to tell me you have a problem with something BEFORE it gets to this point?

I guess after 8 years, I showed you it was okay to keep leaving, because here I am, your cute little rag doll sitting on a shelf that you can press the pause button on. It isn't okay. I actually don't have a pause button, FYI, and neither do the kids.

I hope you really wanted what you wished for, because it looks like it might just come true.

I want to be able to tell you to screw off. I want to be able to tell you that you can't just walk out of our lives without an ounce of notice, but not even tell your own son. I want to be able to tell you my door is closed.

But I can't. I'm not even strong enough to turn the lock on you right now. I'm too pathetic to even see that you "mean it this time" just like I didn't any other time. I hope at some point I can achieve that. I hope that I can see you mean it, and when you come back because you really don't...I won't be here to run this cycle again...

But does that make me the bad person? Am I awful because I don't know if I can fight for us to keep our family together anymore? I wish I knew the answer. Because when I talk to you, you even tell me that you won't tell your son or your family that you "broke up" with me AGAIN because they just tell you that you're in another cycle. That until you can "prove" it by having me be gone long enough, no one believes you. I sure the hell don't know....and as much as you say "I mean it this time"....you still tell me you love me, and you keep trying to talk to the rest of us, and won't tell your family, etc. Then when any of us have an argument, you won't talk for days to make sure "you don't say the wrong thing again and upset everyone". Pfft...if I was "really leaving", I wouldn't give a damn about what I said to someone to hurt their feelings.

But I get made to look stupid to my family....I'm the one that keeps being called crazy and stupid for "putting up with you're shit".....they don't get it, but not only am I supposed to be here for you to remember you want to be here, I have to fight with them too. I CAN'T WIN! No matter what I do, it's wrong. Maybe I'll just go cry myself to sleep again. Yeah, me....

 

[mumstheword]

So much pain...I'm really feeling for you and feel like crying along with you.
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and that you need to put yourself first for once.

I was with someone who wouldn't own his own shit for over 20 years and it only ever got worse, never better, no matter how much I tried, took the blame, felt crap about myself or put up with his emotional immaturity and manipulation.

You deserve someone mature, who will love, appreciate, validate and support you.
And that first person who needs to be that one, is yourself.

The kids stuff is hard, and hurts like hell, I know. But a happy, well rested, self-caring and healthy-boundaried mum is going to be able to give a lot more emotional support and healthy role-modelling than a depleted, self-doubting, exhausted and emotionally wrecked one.

This man just doesn't sound like he is willing to take responsibility for what he needs to, in this family. Letting him take the rap and be the man and do his daddy thing, just how he wants to, without you "cramping his style" might be the very thing to help him grow the f*ck up.

My ex is finally being a much better man and father for me leaving him. Sure it must of been hard for awhile, not having me around to blame everything on and emotionally kick and brutalize whenever we wanted to but, I think he's a much better man for it.

Do what nurtures YOU. Have a loving relationship with yourself first, because it sure sounds like loving this man is hurting you more than.helping you and that's not what a marriage-like relationship is supposed to be.

Take care, you sound like an awesome mum, for what it's worth, give yourself some credit, you deserve much, much MUCH better!

 

[dulcia]

I feel like such a failure. I hate quitting, and quitting on your family feels inexcusable to me.

So I feel like quitting is one thing, but trying and it not working is another. Towards the end of my relationship with a combat vet, I kept telling myself, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity". And that's what the relationship was, I just pushed against the pattern that was presenting itself.

I can't figure out if this keeps happening because I never was supposed to have a good life, because they always told me I wouldn't...Is everything messed up because I'm so awful that it's me that always makes everyone leave? ...and now that I've messed this all up

Are these kind of thoughts typical for you? I'm sorry, I am not familiar with your journal, and I recognized it's probably already explained there. Is this truly your way of thinking or is it the way you've been designed to think?

But it's awful to be point blankly told that I don't deserve respect from you or your 11 year old.

Everyone deserves respect, or at least the chance to earn it.

I guess after 8 years, I showed you it was okay to keep leaving, because here I am, your cute little rag doll sitting on a shelf that you can press the pause button on. It isn't okay.

This. I was finally able to leave when I realized I wasn't doing him any favors by staying and enabling his behavior. Not to mention what staying was doing for me and my self-esteem. And it sounds like your self-esteem is going through the ringer right now, too.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm not even sure what to say right now... first off, thanks for the support.

It's so hard to navigate this because of how everything else usually is. It's hard because we still love each other. He's always been the one person I can depend on and vice versa.

What's worse is that even his family has come to see the pattern and they're not even here. Last time his mom told me to ignore him and let him deal with what he has coming... but I hate games.

I usually just say what I feel and hope for the best. I don't want to engage in psychological warfare, because then I'll get crazy... just a modicum of normal would be wonderful...

I know he needs to be left alone to fix this himself, but I haven't figured out how to truly let myself off of the hook yet.

I hate that it reinforces all of the crap my family always said to excuse their bad behaviour...aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh

 

[Willowtree]

Just reading your post @NayNay75 makes me sad.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how difficult it is. It is the worst pain in the world. And it's especially heartwrenching because it has nothing to do with love.
The love is still there at the heart of the person. We know this.

But I wanted to reiterate what has already been said here

You DO deserve every happiness in the world. I know it feels almost like a punishment. But you will come out the other side.

You deserve love. Everybody does. Please be gentle with yourself during this hard time.

I know for me I will always have love in my heart for my sufferer. I go through anger and yell about how unfair it Is.

8 years is a long time and you invested so much into it. That is not taken lightly. And even if your sufferer cannot express it, they know this too.

It's unfortunate how many hearts this illness breaks.

 

[NaeNae75]

Just reading your post @NayNay75 makes me sad.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how difficult it...

Thank you so much! What a sweet reply. You obviously have a gentle heart! I'm working hard on my end of things. I think because this latest cut was so fresh, I was in agony. I'm still hurt, but healing is coming even if slowly. He has expressed his love for me and that he's really in a dark and confused place. So, it is what it is.
Ultimately, I'm a survivor. I guess I'm just the type of survivor that wants to throw everyone else a preserver as well. I'm not sure what will happen, and I'm okay with that. I'm pretty independent, so being "alone" right now isn't a problem for me...I just don't want his son to suffer any more setbacks in the meantime.
So, I'm going to continue to my life. I'm going to continue to meditate. I will continue to see my T. I will continue with my women's group. I will continue with everything either way. I guess the cut made me forget momentarily that I'm me either way. I forgot having him in my life isn't a necessity, it's a bonus. So if and when he's gotten himself to a better place, he will rejoin our family. I have to let him take care of his responsibilities right now, and I'm not going to interfere until he asks for help.
If he can't even as for help, he isn't ready to accept it as anything but an interference and as a negative.

Thank you for being so kind and gentle with my heart! Peace and love to you too, dear!

 

[Snowflakes]

@NaeNae75 I’ve read your diary and your posts. More than you know, I can empathize with your feelings. I’m glad a lot of kind and loving people here have helped you. I can only add one more thing and I learned this from @Sweetpea76 ”You have to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.“ Learning that single fact helped me so much.

I’m sorry you are hurting. Gentle hugs if appropriate and you accept them. :hug:

Take care of you.

 

[Sideways]

@NaeNae75 - I’m not a mum. I haven’t been in a situation like yours.

But I’ve been a kid. And I reckon that after security, and stability? Kids need their parents to be okay. Happy would be good, but happy isn’t always possible. But your kids need to know that mum is doing ok. That’s where their security comes from.

If you’re struggling to give yourself permission to do what you need to do for yourself? I can understand that. Maybe it would be an easier decision for you if you just made a decision based on what’s best for your kids?

My heart goes out to his son. It really does. And since I’ve got ptsd I feel a bit like I’m supposed to try and convince you to keep supporting your guy.

But you’re a parent. And your kids are your number 1 priority. Make the decision that they need you to make.

Thoughts are with you. Can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 I’ve read your diary and your posts. More than you know, I can empathize with your feelings. I’m glad a lot of kind and loving people here have helped you. I can only add one more thing and I learned this from @Sweetpea76 ”You have to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.“ Learning that single fact helped me so much.

I’m sorry you are hurting. Gentle hugs if appropriate and you accept them. :hug:

Take care of you.

@Snowflakes, Thank you so much for your kind words! I promise you I'm doing much MUCH better today. I totally accept the hugs! I'm such a hugger myself! I have the oxygen mask in hand and I'm working on pulling the straps tight in preparation of the "bumpy ride".

I reckon no matter what ends up happening, it's going to be bumpy...so I've got my calendar out and filling it up with measures to keep me sane through the whole ordeal. My best wishes to you in your situation as well. I also peruse the site regularly for support. So, hugs back to you if you accept them!

@NaeNae75 - I’m not a mum. I haven’t been in a situation like yours.

But I’ve been a kid. And I reckon that after security, and stability? Kids need their parents to be okay. Happy would be good, but happy isn’t always possible. But your kids need to know that mum is doing ok. That’s where their security comes from.

If you’re struggling to give yourself permission to do what you need to do for yourself? I can understand that. Maybe it would be an easier decision for you if you just made a decision based on what’s best for your kids?

My heart goes out to his son. It really does. And since I’ve got ptsd I feel a bit like I’m supposed to try and convince you to keep supporting your guy.

But you’re a parent. And your kids are your number 1 priority. Make the decision that they need you to make.

Thoughts are with you. Can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.

@Ragdoll Circus , Thank you so much for your kind words. I have PTSD too, so I get the whole convince me to support thing, lol....I think sometimes helping him is helping me. It's easier to get perspective once in a while when you're looking at it from the outside. I've learned a LOT about myself by seeing how he reacts to things. I'm much further down my road to recovery or whatever, but I still learn a lot vicariously through him.

My kids, luckily are all of an "adult" age. It's still hard for them to see, though. After 8 years and their dad being completely out of the picture, he has been the male role model...and generally is a really great one, with this one exception.

I actually consider his son to be mine as well. He's only 11 and I'm the woman that has been in the picture for most of his life. His own mother has been convicted of neglect. I potty trained him, and taught him almost all of his basic life skills as he's gotten older. I've always been the "teacher/disciplinarian" and dad has always been the "friend". So not only do I want to continue to "support" him, even more I feel the need to be there for my non-biological son too. I feel the need to protect him from the dumb choices his dad is making for him right now.

....and yes, out of spite he's making some dumb ones. He works mostly first shift, but has a double shift on Thursdays, and some weekends. So now, instead of leaving him here with me or my daughter, last week he brought him with to work! He works as a Federal officer. So now that things have calmed down, he's talking about hiring a sitter. Well, good luck with that! His bachelor pad is in the middle of the ghetto. ALL of the shootings that happen in our city are within a 1.5 mile radius of his house. No one in their right mind is going to be willing to watch him there.

Yes, we have offered to keep him during these times, but he doesn't want to "use us". For crying out loud!!!!

Anyway, sorry for the long tangent to trying to say thank you for your support! It really means a lot. In fact, I'm going to continue to do the self-help things I need to right now, because the healthier I am. The better off I am for whatever happens. Hopefully he sees I'm actually not a monster and he can get some help for those distorted cognitions....and I will too!