Relationship Divorcing?

[Erin Lee]

I haven’t posted here since my husband told me of his ptsd about two months ago. At the time, we were fighting nonstop. Huge blow outs. And we will still in our first year of marriage... but when he told me of his ptsd I thought “oh! This is why we have been fighting! I get it now!”

We started therapy. We had really good days... but still had fights. We fought on our one year wedding anniversary. Because of me, we were able to turn it around in time to at least enjoy dinner and our cake for dessert. It took me hours and hours of begging him to talk to me.

But here we are again, fighting. This time I’ve decided that I want out of the marriage. He shows zero concern about if I leave or not. Actually he left in one of his rages earlier today (he does this often) and even though I begged him to stay and just talk, he stormed out. It’s like he WANTS out. So when I told him I was done, he was like “ok”.

Im starting to think that times when he told me he didn’t want to be married but then blamed it on the ptsd, that wasn’t actually ptsd.

I love him more than life itself. I’ve put myself into therapy in order to help myself so I can help him, I’ve done marriage counseling, I’ve done the research, I’ve been his shoulder to cry on, I’ve aboided topics about my feelings in order to avoid confrontation - but I just can’t be his punching bag anymore... am I wrong for wanting out? Anyone else ever actually left? Experiences? I’m feeling so confused.

 

[FragileGlass]

I'm sorry things have come to a point where your relationship is compromised.

Is his PTSD a personal trauma or from line of duty due to profession?

 

[Sighs]

Are you his physical punching bag? If so, get out. Get out now and never go back.

If you mean his emotional / verbal punching bag... that's more complex but basically if nothing changes then nothing changes.

Wanting to leave doesn't make you a bad person. Actually leaving won't make you a bad person.

Others have left. Mostly, once they leave we don't see them as much on the site anymore.

 

[NaeNae75]

My reply very much mimics @Sighs .

I'm sorry you're confused...it's a rough place to be in. Many of us are right there along with you. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. I've been in my relationship for almost 8 years, and it's still tumultuous.

I've lived with PTSD in one form or another my entire life, it started with my father...passed onto me, and now my adopted daughter and S/O. I can't escape my reality. Even if I leave him, I still have to deal with myself and my family....well I don't HAVE to, but you get what I mean.

You talked about therapy together....is he willing to get the help he needs? Sometimes that can be the make or break question for those in love. Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you. PTSD is for life...it is capable of being managed, but only if the person is dedicated to managing it. I am. My father won't...the S/O...well that's for another day.

Do what you need to do, no one would think less of you for taking care of yourself.

 

[dulcia]

We weren't married, but I recently left after about three years. His response to stress was "fight" versus "flight" -- both physically and emotionally/verbally. What it came down to for me was realizing that I wasn't doing him any favors by staying. I couldn't be a partner who could pretend like an argument didn't happen and immediately "get over it" without any sort of conversation about it or closure. I had a hard time with setting and keeping strict boundaries, which probably enabled some of his bad behavior (lying, inappropriate friendships with other females). And honestly? I got tired of hearing the same insults over and over and over. It was as if someone had pre-recorded an argument and that was what played each and every time he was stressed, triggered, or something had escalated. It felt insane, like I was stuck in a loop on repeat.

Since I've left, he has started taking his treatment more seriously and was in in patient for a while (something he had never done before). I am hoping he sticks with it for his sake and that something good can come from those three roller coaster years. Because, despite all he has done and said to me, I still think he deserves happiness....just not with me. Also, the next natural progression to our relationship would have been engagement and/or having children. And if I can't handle his lashing out, how would a child be able to?

 

[Lamename01234]

I left my wife 6 months after our marriage. I am female also.
I developed PTSD and had severe reactions after an abuser reached out to me weeks before our wedding. Trauma I had compartmentalized.
I never felt I could leave because I was enmeshed with a person with anger issues and her own trauma we had managed throughout our 4 year relationship. Verbal abuse, fights and blaming increased.
In the past I was always able to walk away and like what dulcia said had to pretend it didn't happen and get over it. I hated fighting.
I am more avoident.
Also I was tired of being constantly blamed over and over and over.
I did not alway behave perfectly but I left.
At first saying I needed space because I spent months sleeping on the couch because my nightmares bothered her sleep.
Once I was out, I have been able to breath. Focused on what I need and reflect on this relationship. At first I tired to be friends. Spent time together, helped each other out, had meals together. But we still fought. She needed more then I could give. We also proceeded forward with a divorce. As things heated up I have had to suspend conversations to email only then through lawyers only.
I have had to practice setting boundaries with a very difficult person. Practice compassion instead of defending and blaming.

 

[Erin Lee]

I'm sorry things have come to a point where your relationship is compromised.

Is his PTSD a pers...

I should have mentioned that he has combat related PTSD. He served 10 years in the marines. Infantry. 4 deployments all for 7+ months - 2 to Iraq, 2 to Afghanistan. He is medically retired from the Marines due to being blown up on 8 separate occasions. Every doctor says they’re surprised he’s alive. So I get why he would have PTSD and that’s why I have put my ALL into helping him.

 

[Erin Lee]

Are you his physical punching bag? If so, get out. Get out now and never go back.

If you mean his emot...

There is no physical abuse. I’ve never felt threatened by him in the least. He will leave if he gets so angry that he fears that he will lose control of himself.

I have so many reasons to leave but I just feel like I have so many reasons to stay too.

Either way, I’m going to try to be more active in the forum. I got a ton of great advice on my last post. And even though I don’t post, I still read a others posts often and actually got a lot of help from them.

 

[Erin Lee]

My reply very much mimics @Sighs .

I'm sorry you're confused...it's a rough place...

I’m so sorry that ptsd has played such a large role in your life. I’m only a few months in and I feel like I’m drowning... so props to you for being so strong.

In regards to therapy - he has gone to a few individual appointments, I have gone to a few individual appointments and we have gone to 3 marriage counseling appointments... because he was willing to go that route. But he doesn’t apply anything he’s learned in therapy to his real life...

This morning, I was supposed to have an individual appointment and since he and I had been fighting/not talking for the last two days, I asked him to come with me to make it a marriage thing. I figured having a mediator, that works with both of us, would be a great way to start some sort of communication. He refused.

 

[Erin Lee]

We weren't married, but I recently left after about three years. His response to stress was "fight" vers...

I feel like you are really speaking my language. I am also having a really hard time setting boundaries. I will make a “rule” or something, but then when it’s broken I just ignore it to avoid confrontation. I let him do things that hurt me in order to keep things from escalating. And I keep my feelings to myself so that he doesn’t feel attacked.

But I’m sitting here going back and forth on what really is best for him, best for me, our daughter, etc... I’m incredibly torn. Like I responded to an earlier comment - I have reasons to go, and reasons to stay :/

I do constantly think about how this will impact our daughter when she gets old enough to understand what’s going on when he leaves. Right now she’s 18 months so I don’t have much time left before that happens.

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you guys, I hope that it’s been better for you as well... not just for him.

 

[Erin Lee]

I left my wife 6 months after our marriage. I am female also.
I developed PTSD and had severe re...

I’m so sorry to hear that your relationship ended the way it did. That’s heartbreaking. I can’t imagine not being able to just talk to my husband and having to communicate through other people. It’s crazy how things can change.

I too feel like you all - I hate the fighting. It serves absolutely no purpose... just makes things worse. And then I can’t just ignore them afterwards. I need to have a discussion to make sure there’s actual understanding and a resolution.

I also feel like maybe me and your wife were different. For instance, my husbands nightmares don’t bother me at all. I hate the idea of him sleeping alone and not having someone there to wake him up and calm him down so he can go back to sleep. I’d gladly stay up all night for him if it meant he could have a peaceful sleep. I’d literally do anything to help him. He just refuses to help himself and refuses to accept my help :(

 

[NaeNae75]

I’m so sorry that ptsd has played such a large role in your life. I’m only a few months in and I f...

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling so hard

I’m so sorry that ptsd has played such a large role in your life. I’m only a few months in and I f...

Thank you, but it isn't always strength. Sometimes it's survival.
With only a few seasons, the too if the iceberg can barely be seen. When I started therapy the first time, almost 20th years ago, it took me over a year before I felt safe or confidant enough in my therapist to start doing any real work. It's an extraordinarily long process.
It takes a lot if practice, so do boundaries.
Boundaries don't mean stay and fight when you feel wronged. It can be, when a fight starts, I'm removing myself until you speak calmly to me.
No one expects you to give up your humanity. Honestly most people would want you to practice self care. The thing is, you just have to expect he can't always give you what you want or need. Some of it you have to provide for yourself.
If you can't, than it's gong to be very difficult for you. If you can, it will still have difficult times.... but it will be easier.
There are days I don't even want to be be myself let alone understand why anyone else would. That's when I'm the harshest to other people.