Feeling abandonment coming - husband & therapist out of town for 2 weeks.

[loui50]

My t and my husband will be out of town at the same time in 2 weeks. The anticipatory anxiety im experiencing right now is horrible. Every time my husband or my t are gone i feel this way, but both at once feels unbearable. I dont know what to do. I have 2 kids to take care of alone for the week. I don't know if i can do this!!!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You can do this! It won't be easy. Have a reminder list for grounding. Come join us in chat from time to time. I set markers throughout the absence. I challenge myself to make it to a certain day. Then on that day, I set a new goal. The good part is that the distance of time keeps getting closer every goal I meet! Yesterday, I was down to two days. I was thinking, "I can do two days!" And now it is tomorrow and I am nervous. :O_o: Maybe, also pre-plan some activities to do with the kids. That way if you desire to go nowhere, you may make more of an effort. Time goes by quicker, the busier you are.

 

[deeplyloved]

Omg. This just happened to me last week. Ugh. I’m sorry! I made plans, cried too much, slept too much, took baths...and basically accomplished nothing. I tried to make sure the kids had some fun things to do and asked our babysitters for extra help. I feel like a mess. I see my therapist tomorrow and I feel really ambivalent about it. It’s been a really hard week and a half. But I made it and I guess that’s something. I’m sorry you’re feeling so stressed and I get it. I hope you can make a self-preservation plan and have some extra support.

 

[Friday]

Thinking like a parent for a moment : How do you work with your kids around separation anxiety & building healthy attachment?

2 of the best ways I know how to are
- Leaving & Coming back (people leave, they come back. leave & come back.)
- Creating routines and rituals around leaving & coming back, that not only soothe, but help to link all the other hundreds and thousands of times people one loves, trusts, & depend upon have left & come back.

Abandonment is forever, right? Separation, meanwhile, is a temporary thing & a very normal part of life. So finding tools to help deal with separation, would both help that, as well as maybe start reframing the mental leap from

They're gone... Forever. (Abandoned! All over again!)
They're gone... For a little while. (And will return.)

 

[Sandstone]

I was going to write something similar to Friday. Why do you feel this is abandonment? If you can find a different way to look at their absence, perhaps it will carry less of an emotional charge for you.

For me, the reason for their absence would make a difference. If my T was going on a course, I could tell myself she would be better able to support me as a result. If she was off on holiday, then she would be less likely to burn out. If I can see that it is happening for me, then it helps.

 

[loui50]

I dont know why t is taking the week off. I just assume vacation. My husband is traveling for business. I am starting to feel like hurting myself. Not suicide, self injury. I only do it when i feel abandoned. They arent even leaving for another week and im already feeling this bad. I have an appointment with t tuesday and plan to talk to her about all this.

 

[EveHarrington]

Wow. Awesome. I need to call it "separation anxiety" and NOT "abandonment" as a correct label is crucial to avoid catastrophising! (Big realization here. BIG!)

But, yes, you can do this! It won't be easy, but it is doable.

Can you have regular check ins with your husband? Do you have other support from friends and family you could reach out to?

 

[Sandstone]

Have you asked them for reassurance that they aren't abandoning you? Do they understand why it feels like that for you?

I think it is good that you are planning to discuss all this with your T. You might want to be careful about how you explain the urge to self harm, so that it doesn't sound like a threat "If you leave me, you will make me do this" is never a good message to give out, and I don't think that is what you are saying here.

What I am hearing is that you want to work out a plan to get you through the tough time, and that is commendable. Have you any thoughts on what might help you?

 

[loui50]

last time she took a week off, I became suicidal, but I was having a really hard time even before she left. And last time my husband was home to lean on. This is the first time they will be gone at the same time and I'm really scared at how I've already begun to feel. I don;t know what will help. Hubs will be able to talk to me and the kids everyday around dinner time on skype. I can text him any time i want. We have 2 young children, 6 and 4 that I will have to care for. the 6 year old has autism. So that is a very hard job. That's the biggest thing I'm scared of with my husband leaving is caring for the kids on my own. I've done it before and I know I CAN do it. it is just hard. and it is really hard when feeling so down. We can't go fun places because my son is an eloper and runs from me. I can try to plan some fun activities for home, but that's hard because of all the duties that come with caring for 2 young children. there just isn't a lot of time.

 

[NightSky]

My T went out of the country for two weeks, 6 months into my work with her. I freaked out. I lost it and was a mess leading up to it. But the leading up to it was worse than the time she was away. Before she left she gave me a couple of books to read, and asked me to keep a journal to give to her when she got back. (She only did those things after I told her how I wasn’t handling it well). Those things helped immensely. The journal helped me stay “open” to her and the process when I would have preferred to shut her out because I was feeling angry that she was gone. The books to read helped because it gave my mind somewhere to go every time it started a downward spiral. Maybe your T can suggest something like that to help you stay feeling connected.

 

[deeplyloved]

Is there anyone who can come stay with you and help you?

 

[loui50]

Is there anyone who can come stay with you and help you?

I wish!...my inlaws are a half hour away but not inclined to stay and help. They will help.out a little and are keeping my daughter while i take my son to t on wednesday. But that is all. They both work.