Feeling abandonment coming - husband & therapist out of town for 2 weeks.

[Sandstone]

I've done it before and I know I CAN do it. it is just hard. and it is really hard when feeling so down

Two things to hold onto there. The obvious one is that you know you can do it, but you need to be aware of the support. You are already putting that in place, by asking here, by planning to talk with your T and by arranging to speak to your husband daily.
The other on is about the feeling. You wrote about

The anticipatory anxiety im experiencing right now is horrible. Every time my husband or my t are gone i feel this way, but both at once feels unbearable.

Is the urge to self harm a way to escape that feeling? Getting to grips with distress tolerance is something I'm only beginning to learn. It is so much easier to run from distress than actually feeling it.

 

[deeplyloved]

Something I’m working on is asking myself, what will happen if I end up in the hospital? Who will help me out then? If there are people who would step up in that instance, well then I need to start asking for smaller increments of that kind of help. Because my health is at risk and I am indeed struggling.

If no one would help in an emergency, then that’s another issue that also has to be addressed. I’ve been culling those such people out of my life...mostly because I have finite energy and time. My relationships need to be more balanced and reciprocal. And they are becoming so over time. My best friend just made cupcakes for my daughter to take to school for her birthday. I didn’t have the energy or time to make them and forgot to call the bakery. I paid my friend instead and got to experience someone coming through for me when I needed help.

One example for your week alone is to plan a lazy potluck. Tell a close friend with children that you are serving spaghetti from a jar and they can bring whatever they want (or you’ll all order the cheapest pizza). Tell them you won’t be cleaning up before they arrive. If you can, tell them you need some extra human support while your husband is traveling. In my experience, people love to step up in “easy” ways to be supportive.

Lie to your in laws and tell them you’re fighting off a bad virus and won’t be able to keep up with the laundry while your husband is away. Can they take it to the laundry mat for you? People can’t always meet our needs, but they can choose to do little things that might lighten our overall stress load a little bit. If you have some small tasks taken care of, maybe you will have a little more energy to focus on your own PTSD coping skills.

For safety reasons, I don’t announce to the world when my husband travels. But I do tell my close friends and my pastor. I tell them I need them to check on me and that I might need to ask for some practical help like kid pick-ups or whatnot. I love helping my friends when I can, don’t you? Let people help you. You deserve support.

 

[loui50]

Something I’m working on is asking myself, what will happen if I end up in the hospital? Who will...

If I ended up in the hospital my husband would have to come home early. My inlaws would keep the kids til he got home, but that is all. I have 0 friends I can socialize with. It's just me. We moved 2 years ago and I have never make any friends here. I'm trying to think of some fun stuff to do with the kids like make cookies. They like that. With the time change we can't even go outside to play after diner which will be a big change for them. I'm scared. I know I'll make it through. I always do. But the anticipatory anxiety gets me BAD. And T being out of town at the same time is just plain bad timing. I'll see if she will have access to email while she is out. She always leaves my name with a partner of hers in case of an emergency, but I wouldn't be able to get it to see the other t anyway because I have the kids. I'm crying as I type this. I feel so alone already and I'm sitting 3 feet from my husband!!

 

[deeplyloved]

Oh, honey. I hear you. It took me years to make friends here after we moved. Years. Any chance you can go with your husband on the trip? What an awful situation. I’m so sorry you don’t have the support you need and deserve.

 

[loui50]

My autistic son just had a horrible meltdown. Hasn't had one like that in a while. I can't help but think what will happen when hubs isnt home. I'm scared. I dug my fingernails into my skin again. Thats as far as ive ever gone with self injury. It all scares me.

 

[Sandstone]

How did you get on discussing this with your T?

 

[loui50]

How did you get on..

We talked about how i have done this before, many times, and we always get through it and that I have to start giving myself credit for what I know I CAN do. I didn't tell her I was feeling like self injuring, the conversation just didn't go there. We talked about some problem solving techniques. She said I can email her while she is gone but to expect a more delayed response. She reminded me that the anticipatory anxiety is always worse for me than when hubs is actually gone. She said to enjoy this week and try to let the anxiety go. I'm trying. She also said that if I have to give in to my son (autism) to avoid a meltdown and keep everyone safe, then that's what I have to do and let go of the parenting guilt. I really felt better when I left her office. But the anxiety is creeping back in and it's hard to keep it at bay.

 

[loui50]

The time is here. Hubs left this morning and no t this week. Im a mess missing hubs. I dont know what to do. Im talking to friends online, but have no in real life friends. He cant get home soon enough!!

 

[Akhos]

@loui50 - :hug:

You can do this. One step at a time. Deep breaths. You can do it.

 

[deeplyloved]

This is a really tough situation. I’m sorry your needs are not being met. Please set some goals and markers for each day and be so gentle with yourself. Every hour you get through is something to be proud of. Do whatever you have to do to take care of your children and yourself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Getting to grips with distress tolerance is something I'm only beginning to learn. It is so much easier to run from distress than actually feeling it.

Thank you for sharing this, I learned something new today that will help me.

She reminded me that the anticipatory anxiety is always worse for me than when hubs is actually gone.

It is true it is always worst before the event. Try cuddling with your kids when you feel lonely and tell them stories to help keep them focused. You can get through this.:hug:

the anxiety is creeping back in and it's hard to keep it at bay.

Remember to deep breath and try to take walks with the kids too. They really need you right now. You got this in spite of how you are feeling. It will have moments of when it is really hard to cope with but you can do this one little bit at a time. Keep in touch by texts. And get in touch with your T is you need to.:tup:

 

[Sandstone]

You can do this. You have done it before, and every hour that passes proves your strength.

When you get the chance, tell us the best bit of today, as well as the struggles.