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Relationship Push-pull
- Post starter Marije
- Start date
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- Post starter
- #2
Worried Girlfriend
New Here
Hallo Marije
I am also on the supporter side.
I dated this guy for a few months this year. He told me about his PTSD in the beginning, but I never realised how serious it was until he ended our relationship. Only then did I start to do research. Lots of it. And the push/pull thing came up nearly in every article I laid my eyes on.
By the way, we are still very good friends and I made it my mission in life to win him back. And I feel like I am making progress.
Just before the break-up I experienced lots of pushing. At first it hurt me a lot, but I realised when they push, they need space. It is very important not to take it personally. That is the ideal time to look after yourself. Go do your nails, go shopping or spend some quality time with your friends. Look after YOU.
About two weeks after the break-up I decided f%@& this, and I wrote him a loooong letter. In there I told him about the PTSD in my family I dealt with since forever. My daughter got rejected by her father when se was only a baby. (By the way, she is turning 21 soon and getting her degree in Actuarial Science now. She is a STUNNING girl and emotionally one of the strongest people I know). (Sorry just telling you this to brag a bit. Hahahaha). Anyway, I experienced PTSD with her from a very small age. And my mom was attacked in our home by armed robbers. So, I told him that dealing with people with PTSD is not a new thing to me. In fact, it is part of my life. And then I told him that I am with him because I WANT TO!! The fact that I am looking after myself and the fact that my own needs are important to me is why I want to be with him, because he makes me happy. The PTSD stuff we can handle together as they come up. Last week I sent him a very straight forward text telling him I want to come and visit him. He immediately said that I was welcome and asked what was wrong because I asked so straight forward. I just told him I want to go there, because I like it there and I want to. We had the most amazing weekend!! We laughed the whole time!! When he got quiet some times, I told him its ok. At one stage he disappeared to his room. I assumed he wanted to take a nap because we had lots to drink the previous the night. I didn't go and look for him like I used to. I let him be and took a nap myself on the couch. After about an hour he came to me by himself and crawled up next to me.
What I am trying to say is this: When they push, let them be. Give them space. And when they pull, GIVE!!
I think when supporting a PTSD sufferer, you can't follow the normal relationship "rules". It's not going to work. That is the exact same mistake I made in the beginning. I think I made so much progress, he called me a few hours ago (something he never did, he always used to text me if he wanted to say something) and asked me if he can pick me up tonight at my place to visit him for the weekend. I was amazed!!!
Sorry to bore you with my story. But hopefully somewhere I did something right and it might work for you as well.
Good luck, darling. Please keep us posted. We are here for each other.
XXXX
I am also on the supporter side.
I dated this guy for a few months this year. He told me about his PTSD in the beginning, but I never realised how serious it was until he ended our relationship. Only then did I start to do research. Lots of it. And the push/pull thing came up nearly in every article I laid my eyes on.
By the way, we are still very good friends and I made it my mission in life to win him back. And I feel like I am making progress.
Just before the break-up I experienced lots of pushing. At first it hurt me a lot, but I realised when they push, they need space. It is very important not to take it personally. That is the ideal time to look after yourself. Go do your nails, go shopping or spend some quality time with your friends. Look after YOU.
About two weeks after the break-up I decided f%@& this, and I wrote him a loooong letter. In there I told him about the PTSD in my family I dealt with since forever. My daughter got rejected by her father when se was only a baby. (By the way, she is turning 21 soon and getting her degree in Actuarial Science now. She is a STUNNING girl and emotionally one of the strongest people I know). (Sorry just telling you this to brag a bit. Hahahaha). Anyway, I experienced PTSD with her from a very small age. And my mom was attacked in our home by armed robbers. So, I told him that dealing with people with PTSD is not a new thing to me. In fact, it is part of my life. And then I told him that I am with him because I WANT TO!! The fact that I am looking after myself and the fact that my own needs are important to me is why I want to be with him, because he makes me happy. The PTSD stuff we can handle together as they come up. Last week I sent him a very straight forward text telling him I want to come and visit him. He immediately said that I was welcome and asked what was wrong because I asked so straight forward. I just told him I want to go there, because I like it there and I want to. We had the most amazing weekend!! We laughed the whole time!! When he got quiet some times, I told him its ok. At one stage he disappeared to his room. I assumed he wanted to take a nap because we had lots to drink the previous the night. I didn't go and look for him like I used to. I let him be and took a nap myself on the couch. After about an hour he came to me by himself and crawled up next to me.
What I am trying to say is this: When they push, let them be. Give them space. And when they pull, GIVE!!
I think when supporting a PTSD sufferer, you can't follow the normal relationship "rules". It's not going to work. That is the exact same mistake I made in the beginning. I think I made so much progress, he called me a few hours ago (something he never did, he always used to text me if he wanted to say something) and asked me if he can pick me up tonight at my place to visit him for the weekend. I was amazed!!!
Sorry to bore you with my story. But hopefully somewhere I did something right and it might work for you as well.
Good luck, darling. Please keep us posted. We are here for each other.
XXXX
- Post starter
- #4
Hi,
Thank you for you honestey ( and your brag:P, which I totally agree! You can be proud at her!)
Due to the reading on this website I learned a lot!
He is the one that will arrange the divorce ( will see how that goes) , so I will wait for him to contact me.
Im a bit to emotional at the moment to react( he text me after THE TALK that he really want to stay in touch with me, I know him the best of everyone ect, I know he felt safe with me) But I am not ready yet to answer:(
Will keep you updated.
And you can be very proud of yourself!
Thank you for you honestey ( and your brag:P, which I totally agree! You can be proud at her!)
Due to the reading on this website I learned a lot!
He is the one that will arrange the divorce ( will see how that goes) , so I will wait for him to contact me.
Im a bit to emotional at the moment to react( he text me after THE TALK that he really want to stay in touch with me, I know him the best of everyone ect, I know he felt safe with me) But I am not ready yet to answer:(
Will keep you updated.
And you can be very proud of yourself!
Ok, here is the thing - it's all well and good to support and to realize the PTSD relationship may not follow "normal" relationship rules, but at some point the giving and selfless attitude becomes enabling and does not allow for the growth and healing of the relationship and of all parties involved.
If a person refuses to actually commit and move forward and come up with ways to cope in a relationship, how can you just keep being patient and being there each and every time they return?
And this is the type of relationship I am talking about. The ones that both Marije and Worried Girlfriend are writing about here. The partner who breaks up with you over and over, isolates and avoids over and over without ever fully working things through with you.If you are always available to them when they come back, how is there growth and change?
Setting boundaries is very important and I am just learning this after a year and a half of the push/pull situation. Break ups and blocks at the first sign of conflict. I have been forgiving and sympathetic but over time it has worn me down and that is not the type of relationship I want. I am more than willing to be patient and understanding, but I need some understanding too.
And no amount of self-care makes this feel ok. 100 mani/pedis are not going to make me feel like I am with a partner in a loving relationship, no matter how ill they may be, if they refuse to talk and work through issues. I can handle isolation and I can be supportive, but i need a little effort put in as well. At some point it is not helpful for the PTSD partner, the supporter of that partner, nor the whole relationship itself to allow this to continue. If someone really wants a relationship for themselves, and really wants someone who is willing to support them through everything, they will make some effort to come up with coping strategies that work for both involved.
If a person refuses to actually commit and move forward and come up with ways to cope in a relationship, how can you just keep being patient and being there each and every time they return?
And this is the type of relationship I am talking about. The ones that both Marije and Worried Girlfriend are writing about here. The partner who breaks up with you over and over, isolates and avoids over and over without ever fully working things through with you.If you are always available to them when they come back, how is there growth and change?
Setting boundaries is very important and I am just learning this after a year and a half of the push/pull situation. Break ups and blocks at the first sign of conflict. I have been forgiving and sympathetic but over time it has worn me down and that is not the type of relationship I want. I am more than willing to be patient and understanding, but I need some understanding too.
And no amount of self-care makes this feel ok. 100 mani/pedis are not going to make me feel like I am with a partner in a loving relationship, no matter how ill they may be, if they refuse to talk and work through issues. I can handle isolation and I can be supportive, but i need a little effort put in as well. At some point it is not helpful for the PTSD partner, the supporter of that partner, nor the whole relationship itself to allow this to continue. If someone really wants a relationship for themselves, and really wants someone who is willing to support them through everything, they will make some effort to come up with coping strategies that work for both involved.
@Buttercup
That was a very powerful comment. I commend you for your strength and for placing boundaries in your relationship.
I only experienced 7 months of ptsd symptoms with my ex. I saw more of the push (somewhat subtle at times) than the pull. Our relationship ended abruptly and with verbal abuse. We are not back together. You've read my story.
I've thought about how I would handle being in a long term relationship with my ex (now that it's over), and I really don't think I could do it, knowing what I know and experiencing the stress and confusion first hand. It would be so easy to lose yourself and become a shell of a person in this type of relationship.
I'm a believer that people can work towards positive change, but like you said, they have to want to get help to manage their symptoms. You can't force them, and giving into their every need will eventually take a serious toll on the supporters mental health and spirit. Relationships are about give and take. Not just give give give.
Thank you Buttercup for your insights.
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
I tend to agree with @Buttercup as my experience is similar. For 11 years I’ve been on this roller coaster push-pull ride. It wore me down because I didn’t know enough to set and enforce boundaries. Yes, my sufferer has PTSD and, yes, I can certainly support her need for isolation but I think a relationship must be a 2 way street to survive. In my case, when I finally had enough of me doing all the emotional work, the push-pull stopped from my perspective. I will give my sufferer credit. As @Buttercup suggested, she is now taking her therapy seriously and working to be a partner in our relationship. It’s still a work in progress and I don’t know the future but she is working at managing her illness and I am working on managing my reactions.
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
@Buttercup I don’t think she did it because I made myself important. I mean, yes, by taking care of myself, that did ease a lot of the emotional stress I was under.
Setting and enforcing boundaries was the key, at least in my relationship and experience. When I learned from @Sweetpea76 about her experiences with boundaries, I also started seeing my own therapist at about the same time. My therapist described the push-pull I was going through and taught me how to set and enforce boundaries. I believe, in my case, the enforcement of my boundaries was what broke the cycle that prompted my sufferer to actively work at her therapy. The choice became very clear to her, she was either going to divorce me or learn to manage her illness. I would be devastated if she left me but, at the end of the day, the choice and work was hers, not mine. I just needed to be there for her if she chose the latter.
I’m still learning but my therapist tells me that her illness will cause her to do and say things that cause both of us grief but her illness doesn’t mean she has lost her ability to choose. Since she has been going to therapy, she is learning to choose to manage her illness. So, yes, boundaries was what made her choose to go to therapy and this therapy has helped her manage.
Setting and enforcing boundaries was the key, at least in my relationship and experience. When I learned from @Sweetpea76 about her experiences with boundaries, I also started seeing my own therapist at about the same time. My therapist described the push-pull I was going through and taught me how to set and enforce boundaries. I believe, in my case, the enforcement of my boundaries was what broke the cycle that prompted my sufferer to actively work at her therapy. The choice became very clear to her, she was either going to divorce me or learn to manage her illness. I would be devastated if she left me but, at the end of the day, the choice and work was hers, not mine. I just needed to be there for her if she chose the latter.
I’m still learning but my therapist tells me that her illness will cause her to do and say things that cause both of us grief but her illness doesn’t mean she has lost her ability to choose. Since she has been going to therapy, she is learning to choose to manage her illness. So, yes, boundaries was what made her choose to go to therapy and this therapy has helped her manage.
@Snowflakes your story is a great example of how setting boundaries for ourselves helps our partner and the relationship to grow. If we enable and continue with our old patterns and cycles, nobody wins.
I also love your sentiment that setting your boundary will either break the cycle, or cause your partner to leave the relationship, and even though you want her and the marriage, only she can make that choice.
I am so happy your choice caused that cycle to break and now she is learning to better manage things. It really is such a positive even though I know things still aren't that easy. Thank you for sharing!
I also love your sentiment that setting your boundary will either break the cycle, or cause your partner to leave the relationship, and even though you want her and the marriage, only she can make that choice.
I am so happy your choice caused that cycle to break and now she is learning to better manage things. It really is such a positive even though I know things still aren't that easy. Thank you for sharing!
A concerned spouse
Bronze Member
I've been going through the push pull and flight or fight for nearly 35 years. I guess I was sort of lucky because he was 19 and I was 20 when we got married that we were to young to realize all the crap that PTSD does to your relationship.
But after a horrific accident 16 years ago, his PTSD became so raging and prominent that it totally took us by storm. My husband has told me he wanted a divorce about 10 times during our 36 years. At first I was devistated. But then I started seeing the pattern. When he would withdraw, I would cling. The more he pulled back, the more I pushed forward. It was a disaster to say the least but he never left. He would only talk about divorce when I pushed him to talk to me. Forced him to talk to me.
It took all these years for my eyes to truly open. The world looked at me as the one that was doing everything right. I'm calm, choose my words wisely, very giving, loving . . . The peace maker. But I realized I was wrong.
I realized that not only did I have to place boundries, I had to respect his. When he needed space, I needed to give him that space and yes I do deserve and need that communication but I need to be patient and wait for it when he's feeling better.
Everyone always talks about suporters setting boundries and we definitely need to but we also need to respect our sufferetes boundries as well.
I have also learned that your significant other can not make you happy nor miserable. That's a personal choice and only we can do that for ourselves. I refuse to alloe PTSD to steal another second of my peace, self confidence and happiness. So now when my husband starts the push and pull, i just let him push and pull all by himself until he is warn down from the battle. I don't think he enjoys it as much when he's push and pulling all by himself.
When PTSD is on high alert, I just smile and say "Have fun because I'm not arguing with PTSD" and I don't. I
But after a horrific accident 16 years ago, his PTSD became so raging and prominent that it totally took us by storm. My husband has told me he wanted a divorce about 10 times during our 36 years. At first I was devistated. But then I started seeing the pattern. When he would withdraw, I would cling. The more he pulled back, the more I pushed forward. It was a disaster to say the least but he never left. He would only talk about divorce when I pushed him to talk to me. Forced him to talk to me.
It took all these years for my eyes to truly open. The world looked at me as the one that was doing everything right. I'm calm, choose my words wisely, very giving, loving . . . The peace maker. But I realized I was wrong.
I realized that not only did I have to place boundries, I had to respect his. When he needed space, I needed to give him that space and yes I do deserve and need that communication but I need to be patient and wait for it when he's feeling better.
Everyone always talks about suporters setting boundries and we definitely need to but we also need to respect our sufferetes boundries as well.
I have also learned that your significant other can not make you happy nor miserable. That's a personal choice and only we can do that for ourselves. I refuse to alloe PTSD to steal another second of my peace, self confidence and happiness. So now when my husband starts the push and pull, i just let him push and pull all by himself until he is warn down from the battle. I don't think he enjoys it as much when he's push and pulling all by himself.
When PTSD is on high alert, I just smile and say "Have fun because I'm not arguing with PTSD" and I don't. I
Freida
VIP Member
Sufferer here.....with a shout out to all of you that can deal with us and still love us.
I just made it thru an anniversary reaction. oh yea push pull. I love you...l hate you...talk to me ..leave me alone! I've learned enough to know it's coming and that it will suck. Hubby knows it's coming and I'm going to be impossible. I'm on the upswing but as I'm typing this he is sitting next to me watching tv and we are ignoring each other. I'm isolating and he knows it. No stress. No anger. I can respond if necessary but prefer not to. He's ok with that.
How did we get here? A lot of practice, lots of therapy and a really good ptsd mentor for me ( who I had coffee with today.). Because yea....I isolate from those I love...not those I need. And I do know how hurtful that is. But it's what sends me back to hubby as a better person eventually so I guess it's ok. Because at the end of the day that is where I want to be.
I just made it thru an anniversary reaction. oh yea push pull. I love you...l hate you...talk to me ..leave me alone! I've learned enough to know it's coming and that it will suck. Hubby knows it's coming and I'm going to be impossible. I'm on the upswing but as I'm typing this he is sitting next to me watching tv and we are ignoring each other. I'm isolating and he knows it. No stress. No anger. I can respond if necessary but prefer not to. He's ok with that.
How did we get here? A lot of practice, lots of therapy and a really good ptsd mentor for me ( who I had coffee with today.). Because yea....I isolate from those I love...not those I need. And I do know how hurtful that is. But it's what sends me back to hubby as a better person eventually so I guess it's ok. Because at the end of the day that is where I want to be.
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