Roommate and i, what comes after apology

[Muttly]

So... I'm not going to get into the whole story but the roommate and I had issues today. I was definitely grumpy and stressed. He's avoiding me tonight. I sent a text and said "sorry for being an ass". Now what? Do I need to do more? Do I just... wait to see what he has to say when/if he responds?

I don't have a ton of experience with relationships. I have friends that I've maintained for years, but in all those relationships there's tons of space and not a lot of talk about feelings. And that's how things have turned out with my boyfriend (if he is even my boyfriend). Last time I lived with someone was 27 years ago.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I would like to respond, but I really need more information first okay?:hug:

 

[Muttly]

Maybe the more info is just that I'm an asshole? And selfish. Maybe that's all there is to it.

 

[mumstheword]

Maybe you are being super judgey on yourself? " assholes" don't usually admit to being assholes, so I doubt that's it.

You apologized. You don't need to again, or beat up on yourself. So you behaved in a way that you regret. You are owning it. You are not an asshole. Let him respond. If you want you can elaborate, and make it clear you don't excuse your behaviour but "this is what was going on for me ....." You could let him know you really value him and you never want to treat him that way again. Maybe work out a strategy to avoid that particular outcome again?
We all f*ck up. We all act in ways that, later on, feel shame for. It's not even a PTSD thing, it's a human thing..
Forgiveness of self is part of healing and being able to withstand intimacy. By sharing with him your vulnerability, you guys could end up being closer than ever from this.

But he has to do his part of forgiving you too. You can't take responsibility for the way he responds.

It's not a reflection of your self worth if he chooses to be ungracious about it.

So speak from the heart, be brave and share your feelings and maybe you will break though into a whole new level of intimacy with another human being. If it doesn't work out the way you want it to, at least you can.feel proud of how brave and articulate you were. Practice for future intimacy-building. That way you can't really lose. Go Muttly! You go guy! You are a good person or you wouldn't even question yourself, it's a sign you have a conscience, so hold your head up high and speak your truth! You can.only gain something by doing that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that you are beating yourself up and you do not deserve the self abuse. try not to beat yourself up about this anymore. I think this roomate is being a bit of a jerk to you and I think that it is not all yours in this situation, from knowing what kind of a good and kind and caring person you are. You have a right to set some boundaries and limits with this guy. I would hate to see you get taken advantage of and I suspect he has a big part in this that he has played and needs to be real with you and own his own shit and apologize to you for the part he played in this misunderstanding. Be true to yourself and trust your gut feelings because they do not lie and be kind to you okay.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Friday]

That's it.

You realized you were being an ass, you stopped, you apologized. That's your side taken care of.

IF your housemate has any issues in addition to that? That's their job to bring them up. Most of the time people won't. Because there's nothing to talk about. Yep. You were an ass. You've stopped. Even apologized. What is there to say? Nada. Unless there's more to say. Which you can't know, unless they bring it to the table. Sweating over what might they bring to the table, why aren't they, OMG what if... Nope. Shut that down now. That's a living-in-abuse mindset that doesn't work with healthy people.

Similarly? Continuing to apologize, bring it up, etc.... Isn't apologizing. It's attention seeking. Instead of being an apology (about them) it becomes begging for forgiveness (about you).

^^^That can also be a learned habit inside of abuse, because you're not off the hook until you've groveled and boot licked and are given permission to stop. Healthy people? Don't want that, much less demand it. When you give that to them, they tend to get pretty pissy about it, because why apologize (about them) in theory to make them feel better...to just turn it around (about you) wanting them to make you feel better for being an ass? :O_o: Abusers often want that, being given the power to say when you can feel better about how you've f*cked up. Healthy people that whole concept just baffles them and then usually it pisses them off.

So you did good. You recognized you were doing something. Stopped. Apologized. Job done.

 

[Muttly]

Thank you all. There are things I will respond more to later. It's only 2:45 and I know I didn't fall asleep until after 11:00, and I'm fairly loaded up with sleep meds so... not thinking super clearly.

I actually logged onto my email because I was going to write out a further apology/explanation. I was going to mention a couple things he had done to contribute to the situation, not so much to blame but to hopefully change future outcomes? Mostly though I was just going to explain why I was an ass. The only thing I was going to write it down is spoken word is not always my friend and that way I have the option of just letting him read it or read from it. Now, after reading all the replies, I'm not sure I should.

 

[shimmerz]

I was definitely grumpy and stressed.

I think that being grumpy and stressed is part of the human condition.

Myself? I would write up a 'Permission to be grumpy and stressed' card and hand it to your roommate. It may add some levity to the situation. :cool: I think that is the thing, you know? Changing the emotion of the situation. Don't drag your roommate down into the 'I can't forgive myself' rabbit hole.

Oh, and be prepared for when your roommate decides it is their day to be grumpy and stressed back. I advise having a pre-planned exit strategy for that day. Maybe give them a larger scale drawing of this..... :brb:

 

[Muttly]

Thank you all. There are things I will respond more to later. I am super sleep deprived though and want to give some thought to all that was said. it did definitely help. And @shimmerz your response made me laugh.

In spite of being sleep deprived I am a bit more stable today. Anyone interested in hearing the longer version of the roommate issue(s)?

 

[shimmerz]

Not certain I can do that right now. Otherwise I would love to have. So sorry Muttly.

 

[Muttly]

@shimmerz That's totally fine. Please take care of yourself. I definitely wasn't asking you specifically

 

[mumstheword]

Sure. Lay more of the story on us. I think the more clarity we have around it, the more we can support you with some empowering feedback.