General First time poster - supporter or punch bag?

[ByrnesT]

Yes. I suppose that’s a better way of looking at things. Thank you.

She does regularly tell me that it is me making her unwell. And as much as I know this is not true, I still constantly question myself. I still constantly look for what could have possibly caused the upset in her.

And if I don’t accept her version of events (or my fault in it) then it’s because I’m arrogant, controlling, bullying & abusive, etc, etc. Oh and all of this is in fact because it is actually me who is the one who is really unwell.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's her gaslightling you.

You don't have to take a ride on the crazy train. You know if you have malicious intent or not. You know what your motives and feelings are. She does not. She is not a mind reader.

Just because she says it or thinks it does not make it true.

 

[ByrnesT]

Well this is the area I’ve feared we’ve been slipping into.

I’ve tried to be careful in how I approach this with her, but I have tried to explain that as much as I know it’s not her malicious intent, & as much as it’s the illness & not the real her, but that a lot of her behaviour is comparable to that of a bully & abuser. She even told me once that she only gets so angry with me cos she loves me so much. This seemed such a cliche line that an abuser would say that I couldn’t quite believe she was saying it.

Unfortunately this is not an eye opener for her, it’s more reason to be angry. As a lot of her problems stem from witnessing & being victim to various sorts of abuse, to hear that this is what she’s doing is so alien a concept to her. It sets her off all over again & just somehow goes to prove yet again that somehow by me saying this that it is in fact me bullying, being abusive & gaslighting.

I really don’t know what I can do. Am I just being a fool & excusing what is in fact inexcusable behaviour by trying to be too understanding & not see what is really happening?

 

[Snowflakes]

@ByrnesT What @Sweetpea76 writes is absolutely true. I have gone through the same things as you are. I’ve written about it here just as you have. It will take time to understand and start living the idea that Sweetpea76 writes about. It’s crazy when our sufferer looks us in the eyes and believes with all their heart you are things you know you’re not. I still struggle....and I’ve been doing this for 11 years. Re-read what sweatpea76 writes and try to believe it and live it. It’s tough, I know. Every day a little voice within me echos the same words people who care about me say: “Get out, you don’t deserve this.”

But I stay each and every day because I believe it’s the illness, not her.

Take care of you.

 

[ByrnesT]

@Snowflakes thank you. I guess I’m at that point where I’m questioning everything. Deep in my heart I still have faith in this girl that I love. I see the scared little girl that’s trapped inside her & I so desperately want to be the person to support her & see her grow. And when she is “herself” & open & loving I have never felt anything like it. I guess my fears are not just simply how much more do I/can I take; but also, how much more can I take when I see no signs of change? Or even any efforts to change. How long do I wait to see that light bulb moment? Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a long journey & I know there is no “cure”, but is there a moment for sufferers where they at least begin to recognise something needs to change? In my situation I feel she can get frustratingly close at times to having that breakthrough moment but then it never quite comes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

What if it was a punch in the face? Even if she didn't mean it it'd still hurt.

You're allowed to be hurt and fed up. We're human, not robots. Your sufferer doesn't get a free pass because she has PTSD.

 

[Snowflakes]

Only your wife knows when that moment arrives when she knows she needs a diagnosis and treatment. Maybe it occurs when she sees that you live knowing you can’t fix nor can you help her. Maybe never. Who knows.

How much can you take? Several months ago, I got to the end of my rope. I was willing to do anything, including leaving, to stop what was happening to me. I took the advice of others here and found a great therapist that understood C-PTSD and helped me learn coping skills.

My sufferer still goes off on me and isolates but I don’t take it personally anymore which is a very liberating feeling. As @Sweetpea76 just wrote above me.....I still feel hurt and often fed up but one of my boundaries now is not bothering me when I’m listening to my music with a headset and my eyes closed. My music calms me and settles me down. Disregard that boundary and I’ll walk out the door and listen somewhere else....and I have.

As someone here told me....you have to put on your oxygen mask first before worrying about someone else.

 

[ByrnesT]

What if it was a punch in the face? Even if she didn't mean it it'd still hurt.

You're allowed to...

You are of course completely right. And I know exactly what advice I would be giving to anybody else in my shoes. I suppose it’s knowing where the level is. So many on here seem to stand by people (quite possibly managed far better than my current situation for the most part I’m sure) that on the face of it are not always the easiest to be around. I guess I’m I’m just trying to work out how much you’re meant to take before enough is enough? Or before you at least start to see some positive movements?

 

[ByrnesT]

Only your wife knows when that moment arrives when she knows she needs a diagnosis and treatment. Ma...

That’s very good advice @Snowflakes. It sounds completely reasonable & correct to ensure your own health is in order first. One difficulty we have is that we do not actually live together & she insists on conducting so much of our communication over text message (which really does not help!). Once she is upset she simply cannot stop herself typing & I have begged her not to do this. If I ring her she will shout & hang up (as much as I have explained to her that I find this so disrespectful). If I ask her to simply stop typing, she doesn’t & the anger & accusations just keep coming anyway. And eventually I will crack & try to defend myself/reason with her (as much as I tell myself & her that I won’t take the bait!). I think face to face contact has always got to be better but unfortunately it’s just not always possible. And, to be honest, even when we’re in front of each other it’s not often that much better. I try to set boundaries but I just don’t seem to get anywhere. Although I accept this could be down to my own poor handling maybe.

As I have said in an earlier post, sadly even after time to calm, once she has an idea in her head that I have done something wrong or hurtful towards her, she just will not see it any other way. So at some point the conversation will come round again & it will be back to square one leading to anger very quickly.

And yes, I am starting to prepare myself for that realisation that her moment may never come as you say.

 

[Snowflakes]

You may not live together but the relationship exists nonetheless.

With respect to the phone and texting. I would think you would not accept that behavior from anyone else because they would be stepping over your boundaries. Set those boundaries and enforce them with her also. If you ignore the text messages to the point of temporarily blocking them, I suspect your life isn’t going to get any worse and even if it does, you have a choice. Take the bait as you put it or simply walk away. Remember, these are your boundaries, not hers. This is an important distinction.

Until she gets a diagnosis and treatment on her own, the best you can do is take care of you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everybody has their own limits. What one person finds acceptable, somebody else may not.

My sufferer is a combat vet. He has been trained to "fight" in fight/flight situations, and that training runs deep. He, like many others with combat PTSD, tends to get aggressive. I tolerate a certain amount of aggressiveness when I recognize he's triggered. He has smashed things and towered over me to intimidate me... however I don't tolerate him laying hands on me. I'd be out the door for good. Some people think that's too much leeway... I am confident that he will not hurt me. I realize he has never touched a hair on my head in anger before, and he is typically gentle with me. I can recognize it as a stress reaction. It doesn't mean it is OK, but it is what it is. Usually that's an instance when I remove myself.

You have to find your limits.

 

[ByrnesT]

You may not live together but the relationship exists nonetheless.

With respect to the phone and te...

Yes you’re quite right. Ironically I’m quite a solid personality outside of this relationship who would not stand for any nonsense from anyone. I guess it’s a case of applying that same thinking to her. I can’t quite bring myself to block her because I fear for her sense of abandonment. But then I’m also aware that I am not then enforcing my boundaries maybe.