General First time poster - supporter or punch bag?

[ByrnesT]

Everybody has their own limits. What one person finds acceptable, somebody else may not.

My suffer...

That must be such a difficult situation to deal with & I can’t imagine what that must be like for you. I am glad you have the confidence that your sufferer would not step over that boundary. Do you mind me asking, were you with your sufferer before the PTSD developed or is this the only way you have known him to be?

 

[Sweetpea76]

He had PTSD when we started dating. It's a huge learning curve. Nobody knows what they're doing when they start a relationship with a sufferer. I messed up a lot. I still mess up.

I lucked out. He was being treated when we started seeing each other. He had even done inpatient treatment. He was open about his PTSD from the beginning and I started researching right away. Now with the way the VA is backed up he hasn't been able to continue getting the treatment he needs, so he is highly symptomatic and not doing well. Feast or famine.

If I were in your shoes, I'd work on some "me" stuff.

First, be better about self care. We all need that. Make sure you get enough sleep, good food, and exercise. Find something that relaxes you and make sure you get some "zen" time. It sounds trite, but it's emotionally exhausting being a supporter and getting no support for yourself.

Secondly, have a think about your limits. What can you realistically tolerate in the long term? She may never improve... what can YOU do in that situation. Work on boundaries. They save your sanity.

Did you say you're researching PTSD? I find that also helps. That and talking to other supporters here. It takes a heap off my mind to talk to people who "get it".

 

[Buttercup]

I have read a lot of good advice and guidance on this thread. What really spoke to me was you saying multiple times that there is nothing that works, nothing you can do differently, and she is not changing nor willing to change. Then that very last post by Sweetpea nailed it. What can YOU do?

I know it is hard to feel like you are abandoning her and so you keep accepting her back, just to go through it all over again in a few days. By the way, those time frames are pretty extreme. I thought our turnaround times were short, but man! you've got us beat :wtf:

You have been enduring a lot. You most certainly need some of that self care. It can be very damaging to the psyche to put up with all of that.

 

[ByrnesT]

That’s great that your sufferer was at a place where he could be open & honest with you about his PTSD when you met & he was getting treatment for it. I don’t mean that in any way dismissively of course, it’s obviously still such an uphill battle anyway, but at least I’m assuming you could have open dialogue about things?

I’m so sorry to hear tho that he is no longer getting the necessary treatment & you are going through tougher times right now. I really hope that’s a situation that can be rectified as soon as possible, for both of your sakes.

My sufferer seems to have discovered a lot of her issues through being in a relationship with me. She was with one guy for 12 years from quite a young age &, she says, was never that happy but they had children together so she tried to make it work. I think the relationship never particularly challenged her & she took take his presence for granted. She says that through meeting me (in a way her first adult dating experience) & the fact that I “got her” straight away, that that has opened up a lot of her troubles. Or at least that’s how she describes it all to me. I am in no doubt she was dealing with things long before I came along as well tho.

Yes I have been looking into Complex-PTSD for about a year (since I first ever heard of it) & I do find reading up & researching helps. It helps me make sense of what is going on & settles me slightly. That’s what led me to this site & biting the bullet & posting on here today has been really refreshing. Even tho no one can give you the answers for you it is important to know you’re not alone I guess!

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi ByrnsT. It sounds like both of you are in a bad situation right now. I'm glad at least one of you is reaching out for information.

I (obviously) see alot of red flags in your comments.

Undiagnosed and untreated
No change, no effort to change
She needs YOU to fix this
The "real her"

PTSD relationships are extremely challenging even when the "sufferer" is committed to therapy and healing.

Everyone here has given you excellent advice and they are definitely people I take advice from. We all come here trying to find something WE can do to help our loved ones. Sadly, there really isn't anything we can do. We can support, encourage, and be there. That's about it. The rest is up to them.

If they choose not to attempt therapy and begin the process of healing NOTHING will change. IME.

I've set boundaries with my guy and they work (most of the time) but when he's symptomatic , it's a crap shoot. I usually just remove myself from the situation.

I also have deal breakers. He must be active in therapy. He can not put his hands on me in anger. No lying about his meds....

I feel for you. I really do. But if I were you I'd tell her she MUST find a trauma therapist and start her journey. If not. Discontinue contact. And tell her if she doesn't do it you will no longer enable her. It will be hard but it just might be the thing to make her think about her life and what she wants... And make a change.

You're treating her like she does have PTSD. She hasn't even been diagnosed yet it could be something different. Symptoms overlap in many different mental illness'.

You mentioned the "real her". This IS the real her. Someone with a mental illness. You have some tough choices to make. What do YOU want to happen?

Good luck and keep reading around the forums and ask questions when you need to.

✌ & ❤

 

[ByrnesT]

I have read a lot of good advice and guidance on this thread. What really spoke to me was you saying...

Thanks @Buttercup for writing. I am so appreciative of anything anyone has to say here. All new to this & it’s feeling very good to share.

Haha, yes we really can hit those turnaround times extremely fast! Often we don’t even make the 24 hour mark before the world comes crashing down again! A few weeks back we “started over” again & we spent a lovely evening together, I treated her like my princess & she was so sweet & lovely to be around. The very next morning she was screaming & shouting at me & telling me to “f*** off” again because I mentioned I was meeting a female friend later in the week (she is also jealous in the extreme). The fact that it was my birthday apparently did not matter in the slightest (tho that is the least of my worries, I guess it still hurt).

Yes I have had plenty of down moments over the last couple of years, but this last few days I’ve been aware of myself really starting to struggle with it. I can feel myself losing myself. Hence why I have posted here & am so grateful to you all for sharing & supporting.

 

[ByrnesT]

Hi ByrnsT. It sounds like both of you are in a bad situation right now. I'm glad at least one of you is...

Thank you so much @leehalf for your truthful comments.

You are quite right; I am on a PTSD website talking about my partner suffering from Complex-PTSD & yet we have no diagnosis. I have simply read what I (& very occasionally we) can find & THINK that that’s what it sounds like. Believe me, this isn’t a satisfying conclusion for me either!

And you’re absolutely correct in the “real her” correction. I’m aware that this is her & who she will always be, I guess I’m just hoping those fleeting lovely moments could become at least a bit more regular than I have been experiencing so far.

Hearing you describe it as enabling her has really hit home. I have started to realise this myself lately, that I am simply feeding her. Hearing someone else say it feels like more of an eye opener tho.

Perhaps the only reality is the one you describe; without the outside help that is so desperately needed then I have no option but to walk away now. I feel so guilty simply at the thought of that but I’m also well aware that guilt is not a good enough reason to stay or for me to continue to feel so regualarly unhappy.

I have told her a few times lately how this illness is not her fault; but that it is also not mine. Just so much easier to say these things than is to put into action.

 

[Sweetpea76]

At this point in time, maybe you should set boundaries and if she's going to melt down, so be it.

It sounds like you're about at your breaking point with some of her behaviors.

What is one thing that she does that you just cannot take anymore?

 

[LuckiLee]

Those fleeting lovely moments would become more regular if/when she gets into therapy. Don't get me wrong it could take a very long time before she is healthy enough for a relationship. Years in fact. People tend to get worse starting therapy.

I really hope she makes the right decision. If not for her, for her children. They deserve a healthy Mom. And she deserves to be the best Mom she can be.

 

[ByrnesT]

At this point in time, maybe you should set boundaries and if she's going to melt down, so be it.

I...

Yes I’m starting to feel I am at that breaking point where I don’t know how much more I can take. Yet something in me STILL does not want to give up on her.

I guess I find it so hard that she can create such huge dramatic moments out of seemingly thin air. Even gestures of kindness can often be met with outrage. It’s hard to pin down but I guess one thing I can’t take anymore is the anger & the ranting. Whether that be over phone or in person.

 

[ByrnesT]

Those fleeting lovely moments would become more regular if/when she gets into therapy. Don't get me wro...

Yes I’m aware that this is going to be a very difficult process for her, if she does decide to really start it. And maybe we won’t be able to get through it together, but I hope for her sake she can come out the other side one way or another.

Well her being a mother is one thing I have been tempted to bring up as motivation for her to get help but have been too scared of doing if I’m honest. Maybe only a couple of times but she has admitted that she believes she is not well. As I have mentioned before she is hyper sensitive about her children. She is also very sensitive about the way she sees herself as a fantastic mother. And believe me she is an excellent mother in lots of ways, but I do also see the way her “illness” effects her & the children. But if I was to say she should get help for the sake of her children all hell would break loose & I fear it pushing her even further away from getting that help.

 

[Buttercup]

@ByrnesT I have recently come to where you are. I have fully realized that I have been enabling the behavior and allowing it to happen to me over and over, and I have told him I am walking away from it now.

It is NOT easy and I fear I will crumble at first contact. But it is important to stay strong. Like reeaalllyyy strong. Otherwise there will be no change. I fear it's your (our) only hope.

But this is my choice and I don't want to inflict that onto you.