Relaxation triggers panic

[Scarlet13]

So, today my T and I discussed how I get triggered by relaxation. When ever I set out to relax and then get into a relaxed state even a little bit, I then get a knee jerk reaction to be hypervigilent almost like an alerting reaction. Like relaxation fills me with terror that I am about to die, that I am vulnerable to death or being harmed.

I have a history of needing to be hypervigilent so I would not die because of growing up with my step father who always wanted to kill me and got close a few times by choking me, so I survived living with him by being on guard and meticulous with every thing I said and did.

So, now I have played this scenario out again because I have gone through another life threatening set of events. I had a baby 5 years ago and experienced severe and debiliatating sleep deprivation due to post partum insomnia. I did not respond well to any of the drugs given to me. The drugs were sedating (drugs like SSRI's, ambien, and benzos) but also very activating at the same time. I experienced horrendous side effects and sever withdrawal especially after only 5 mos of the SSRI I took post partum. I finally wound up barely surviving on a tiny does of klonopin, which was the least activating of all the drugs, but this drug became so agitating after a while and the taper was hard.

I am now 9 mos free of psych meds and I cannot relax because of both my childhood abuse experiences and my terrible experiences with drugs that were trying to sedate me and just ended up hurting me. Feelings of relaxation and sedation scare me and trigger anxiety and I feel this pressure to relax in order to heal and survive.

Obviously because I need to sleep to survive and because I cannot take meds, my options are to rely on mindfulness to manage my symptoms.
I do, luckily, get a lot of help from certain supplements, from accuptunture, and from my trauma focused T.

But I really need to do the breathing, meditation, and other mindfulness strategies to try to continue to heal and sleep. Also, the state of sleep itself triggers hypervigilence. I am too afraid to let my guard down enough to sleep. Like I cannot trust the feelings of sleep or the change in my brain that yields to sleep or trust at large enough to sleep, I don't know exactly what it is.

Does any body else get triggered by relaxation? Does any body else feel like you need to 'fight' or 'stay on guard' the moment your brain slips into a relaxed state?

 

[WooWooWoman]

Yes Scarlet!! i experience this too. The first time i was rushed to hospital in an ambulance with a heart rate of 210bpm i was having a lovely relaxing bath, with candles etc. Same thing has happened a few times when winding down after a stressful or emotional day but not at the time. I also have insomnia and sometimes feel i have to fight to wake up when i stir. I told my therapist that i suspect my body goes into panic when relaxing sometimes because my body must be wired for stress!

 

[Gamereign555]

I think I know what you mean. The best way for me to cope this past few years is to be a workaholic. I also am in recovery for alcoholism in AA. My sponsor recommended to me that I do guided meditation to try and wind down.

However, guided meditation only creates anxiety in me which can build to panic portions. I've tried and tried but it doesn't really work with me. The most I can hope for is to sit down and watch some TV while I eat or something.

 

[Scarlet13]

It is more of an alerting reaction triggered by when my brain slips into a relaxed state.
I get scared from being relaxed and even from sleeping.
This is a bit diff from the type of anxiety that can happen when you meditate, when you slow down enough to then feel the anxiety.
My panic comes from feelings of relaxation.
I do get anxiety from meditation as well and then a deep, knee jerk reaction of fear and vulnerability triggered from relaxation specifically.

 

[Gamereign555]

Wow thank you for that reply to my comment. There is a distinct difference there and I understand what you mean. I occasionally suffer from that but not too often. Perhaps there is something which goes on and runs in my mind while that is happening but maybe that is happening in your mind all the time.

Perhaps you have an obligation or feeling that weighs heavy on your mind all of the time. I can get that way I believe because I help run a farm and do much of the work myself. It is very difficult for me to get away or even sit down and relax knowing that I still have hours of work ahead of me and because it's a farm you can just do the work whenever you want everything runs on a routine.
Fortunately I do have help when I ask for it. But then I am also a workaholic and might not choose to arrange it so I can get away and relax. When I cannot it's all work all the time and lots of stress.
I have often asked myself do I even know how to relax anymore, what would I even do if they give me time off.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, I am a mother.
I get help from my husband. I also cannot give up my career.
I think that is apart of it, a constant obligation.
The worst alerting to relaxing happened post partum.
I had to keep the baby alive and I would not let myself relax out of fear I would not respond to her.
I also could not sleep due hormones.
So, I got used to that.
It was that experience that uncovered a lot of PTSD symptoms.
I feel often when I relax that I am going to die.
I feel that if I cannot achieve relaxation then I am going to die.
So I am trapped.

 

[Gamereign555]

I'm so sorry. That sounds very distressing indeed. Doubt I touch that by comparison. I do know that right now I feel very tired but still so much to do. Lately I can hardly get to bed. I can hardly nap if at all. I wake up in the night a few times also. For some reason I feel wired at night, perhaps it is due to my head being full of constant thought or worry. I am avoiding caffeine altogether. In the morning I'm tired I slowly gain energy throughout the day and then I really want to sleep by midday but I really can't. I do so much work by all right I should be dead on my feet and I feel I am, yet I just can't rest well. Relief by help will come soon and I will have a chance to relax but as before will I be able to?

 

[Scarlet13]

I just got done doing yoga nidra.
So, as I was lying there trying to relax, I ran into so much anxiety and fear.
It is like I felt pressure to relax, like if I could only just relax and sleep than I would be ok.
Not that I would sleep on the floor of an herbal shop (where yoga nidra was).
Then I felt immense desperation to achieve sleep, and complete terror over not achieving it, like if I don't relax and go to sleep than I will die.

This was a flashback to all of my sleepless nights after having a baby, a desperation to sleep.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes Scarlet!! i experience this too. The first time i was rushed to hospital in an ambulance with a heart rate of...

Yes, that is how I feel like an alerting reaction or alarm bells when I am relaxed.
I don't know if there is anything I can do about it other than accept it.

 

[James McGregor]

absolutely i can understand this, im the very same - if i try to chill out, unwind or relax - things just go haywire in my head, everything becomes too much. I tried mindfulness- as its the current craze among drs and therapists, it was a disaster, i ended up feeling very claustraphobic. I find when my anxiety peaks i also get a really bad lump in the throat feeling which doesnt seem to go, wondered if anyone else experiences this?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

When I was first learning how to meditate and such, I couldn't sit still, at all, and had absolutely no desire to do so based on the level of discomfort it brought about in my mind. Then someone taught me that mindfulness, relaxation, and meditation isn't always about being still. There's meditation in motion, too.

Gardening, walking, cooking, crafting, fixing things, picking up litter on a favorite road, or anything else an individual truly loves to do and can feel somewhat genuinely relaxed while doing can be considered meditation in motion, mindfulness in motion, or whatever you wish to call it. After a couple years of practicing it in motion daily, I was finally able to ease a little more into the stillness aspects.

I'm now able to sit still in total peace and quiet and feel comfortable while doing so, most days, but not all. Breathing techniques, using percussive hand instruments, chanting, primal screaming, spending much time with nature, and speaking out loud (or writing it out) what I needed to release (while I was alone, of course - NOT in a group setting) helped me tremendously. It's like I had to work on getting rid of a shit load of old heavy energies to make room for some new much lighter ones, if that makes sense.

 

[Gamereign555]

absolutely i can understand this, im the very same - if i try to chill out, unwind or relax - th...

My head also races. I don't get the lump in the throat but I have the anxiety breathing issue.