I'm so frightened to ring my son! how can i be braver?

[Friday]

He has also admitted to me he would have rather I had gotten his Dad put in jail rather than be the one to leave (when I asked him), but I know that would have panned out badly and I don't really believe it, as they have all

Yep. So I stayed. And tried to get dad put in jail. And it did pan out badly. And my kid hated me for years. I consider it for good reason, but that's me, and our unique situation NOT a view on yours. Just confirming what you already know, most of the time it's the same hell but without the ability to build a life.

Point being? ESPECIALLY during the years he hated me: What @The Albatross said. Keep it simple. Divorce all the rest of it from your head and heart and purely focus on the single reason why you're reaching out : Happy Birthday. I love you.

All. About. Him.

Zip zero nada zilch about you, his dad, your history, your other feelings/ regrets/ hopes/ desires/ fears. 100% about him. In that moment. All the rest of it? Is too much. It's too heavy. And he already has his own version of that complicated can of landmines & grenades (screw worms, this shit is ballistic) in his head & heart. The time to really tackle the hard stuff? Is when the relationship is good. Which, to be honest, will be YEARS down the road built on hundreds and hundreds and thousands and thousands of neutral encounters that are very specific to that moment. It's a kind of trust building.

Fair warning... He'll probably hurt you with it / the past... A lot. And you've got your own can of landmines & grenades ready to dump out. But if you value building a relationship with your son? It's very much a one way street, in my experience. First I had to prove I wouldn't ignite his. Then, no matter how much he ignited mine, I wouldn't take it out on him. Then? We've started building a relationship.

Mines still a teenager. I fully expect it to revert at least one more time to his hating my guts for what I allowed to happen to him. And I did. I never abused my son. I ALSO didn't protect him from being abused. Which, to my mind, makes me even more guilty than his father. Because I knew it was happening and didn't stop it. That's my cross to bear. And I fully expect the whole process to take years... If I'm lucky... Of rebuilding our relationship again. Assuming we both make it through that.

It's hard f*cking stuff.

And NONE of it can bleed into those point-to-point contacts.

It will.

For it not to? Requires sainthood.

There's too much love, grief, regret, remorse, anger, all of it...for it never to.

But it sets everything back like crazy, every time it does.

This point. This purpose. Nothing else. Keep it simple. Keep it direct.

Happy birthday. I love you.

 

[mumstheword]

I have had this issue for decades. There is something incredibly abusively evil about a parent feedin...

I am not sure if he has an agenda or not. Last time I spoke with him, many months ago now, he still seemed a bit invested in supporting the paradigm his father had engrained in him ,although a lot of the conviction was gone, hence my trepidation about contacting him.

Apparently he has had some game-changing relevations since then, but it seems like a good sound approach to leave well alone until I know for sure that he's dropped the abusive blame-the-victim and stigmatize-me ("crazy") stuff, before I make more direct contact.

He did say, before he left here, that he didn't want to get close to me again, because, if he did, he might not leave, and he really wanted to leave, so I backed right off and just encouraged the break.

I think he still needs the space from me. That's what my intuition is telling me.

 

[mumstheword]

One thing with relationships, is you can’t love the other person into being ready. It may be...

Yeah I totally agree Ragdoll. I've taken great pains to be exceedingly unpushy. It's had to be not about me, the whole time, as with their Dad, it's all about him, only very skillfully manipulatively. So I have given them huge freedom, non judgement, fairly unconditional approval, only I've had to learn about boundaries and sticking up for myself and not accepting undue blame, responsibility and abuse.
My agenda is not really a thing with them, only want them to know I love them, I'm a decent person, I'm an honest person, I've been up front about having the pstd and am learning to ditch the shame around that. I want to support them when and if they are open to it, otherwise I encourage independance and them being whoever it is they want to be.

 

[mumstheword]

Yep. So I stayed. And tried to get dad put in jail. And it did pan out badly. And my kid hated me...

Your post brought tears Friday. Really great advice. I will try follow it to the T. I avoided the visit for ages because my pain was just too great. I couldn't inflict that on them and I couldn't give their Dad the satisfaction.

Last time I saw him, I still couldn't stop the tears from flowing the whole visit. He told me "mum you just have to get over the past. I'm not holding on to it (he is, how could he not?).
He told me "read Eckheart Tolle"s the New Earth, I already had, but he, in his all knowing 21 yr old wisdom thinks I don't get it. I told him I'll read it again, I haven't yet.
I got to hold his hand (very begrudgingly and on edge he was and it was a brief hold) for a minute, but not hug him.

He is softening but I am very respectful of what he wants. I've missed other birthdays. It hurts. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him and the love etc and would like to send birthday money. That's all. I texted. I'm leaving it at that for now.

 

[mumstheword]

I agree with shimmerz. I think because your son said he did not want contact, that I would just be satisfi...

I'm so glad I posted because all of you wise, wounded souls have reinforced what I have been doing and helped me alleviate guilt and uncertainty around it. There's nothing like advice from people who truly KNOW what you are dealing with!

I will look up those narcissist youtube vids.

I read "The object of my affection is my reflection" I forget the authors name but it was about dealing with narcissists, and "the sociopath next door" and "the psychopath test" and "Taming Toxic people; the science of identifying. & dealing with psychopaths at work & at home" by David Gillespie (I own that one) and they were all very helpful.

It used to do my head in because none of the how-to--breakup-and-co-parent information tells you how to deal with these kinds of extreme situations and I just felt so alone with it until he did more extreme stuff to me and the children and there were some witnesses.

I have loads more support now. It's getting easier. Still hard but not AS hard. :-) I'm feeling for you, having read of your troubles @ Rain. It's so incredibly painful. When I moved back here, hoping to make and get regular contact, it was an avoid me, shun me or bully me dynamic from most of my children at that stage and I would, sometimes, wake up in the morning with tears streaming down my face, I'd been crying in my sleep! That's when I could sleep.

Luckily I have a very supportive guy in my life, who has similar challenges with his kid's mums, not really lucky for him, but we support each other through it all because we both understand each other's experiences.

I'm not sure how I would have managed or coped, otherwise. I'd probably be hospitalizable, as it is, I'm working on getting into a trauma inpatients program early in the New year.

 

[mumstheword]

I do think that the early twenties are an odd time with parts of the teenaged rebellion coming throug...

Thank you for sharing this part of your story with me @NinjaWolf :-) it really really helps me accept what my son has asked of me and to let go more and be a better parent by the Zen Art of Not-Doing :-).

 

[mumstheword]

So update! I got a text back!

"That would be great. Thank you very much, I love you too"
And bank details :-)
So there you go!'
I'm not going to push my luck and call
I'm just going to put the money in the bank :-)!! :-) :-) Soooooooo happy though!
I got a response and it was positive!!!:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[mumstheword]

I'm crying now. It's been so long since I got a "I love you" from that son
I love my kid so much!
I texted him back and got another "thank you"
So touched and gratified! Thanks for being here and sharing it with me my special PTSD friends and fellow sufferers!
And thanks for all the support!
This situation has been such an.uphill and lonely battle , for the most part! It feels good to have some understanding friends, who can empathize and share the journey with me now!!!#
Also, I am a bit gushy, I had a couple of red wines, it's been a really tough weekend and my guy is away. My kid just broke his toe and now there are two pet deaths in the family, as my kid's cat's mum just died from injuries sustained from my neighbor-from-hells psycho killer dogs.
'Rough weekend extrordinare.
I had to work real hard not to let myself out of a moving vehicle the other night. Our dog had just passed and it got bad. Two grieving sufferers triggering the hell out of each other.
Rough, rough weekend.
My guy just left for Canberra. Some guy stole his shed, on his property and he needs to go down and get his legal ass kicking boots on. He is armed with a drone and knowledge of which neighbor did it. Then he will come up and we will have to legal-arse kick neighbor-from-hell for all the hell, pet deaths, stress, assaults, property invasion, theft, abuse, vet bills and slander, etc that we and our other neighbors have endured.
So I am self medicating with a little alcohol til my new therapy for early sexual abuse starts next Wednesday.

 

[ladee]

I cried tears of joy reading that you received a text back. And the "I love you"! Priceless!
After many years of allowing abuse from my son, I finally, with the help and support from my friends here, went 'no contact'.
I made a ton of mistakes with my son and so wished I had had the support here .
I know I have done a lot of healing and can only hope if we ever reunite, I will be the person I want and need to be. For him and myself.
We are all here because of past pain, but I do believe the issues with our kids are more heart crushing than anything else we experienced.
That's the pain I didn't believe I could live thru.
So, again, you are not alone And hearing from him was so beautiful. You are an awesome Mom.
Hoping things get better with time. Gentle hugs from one Mom to another.

 

[shimmerz]

but when they were younger and I knew how twisted, manipulative, gaslighty and just plain malevolent and sociopathic their father is, it was absolute emotional torture and constant acute stress.

Yeah, these words ring very true. Emotional torture is an appropriate phrase for it. Didn't help, either, that nobody actually 'got' what I was all stressed about. People don't get it unless they feel it for themselves. They don't know what kind of evil it is and how exhausting it is to try to protect the kids from it.

I too, have 2 sons that are drug addicts. Both of those sons are messed up with relationships. 1 of them had a girlfriend that committed suicide. I have had to distance myself, big time and have decided that if they want a relationship with me, they will need to work hard at it. I can't take anymore of this stroke, smack crap. There is more.... so much more. I won't bore you.

 

[Sideways]

Fantastic outcome! So happy for you:)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful, heartwarming responses and support on this thread. For those of you keeping up on my dramas at the moment, and I really am not a fan of dramas, I've downplayed so much stuff and not dealt with many transgressions a lot, in the past, to avoid dramas, but for those reading my posts and threads these last few days, you'll see that I'm dealing with a lot of compounding stuff at the mo, and I'm having a pretty shite time of it. Not so trembling and agoraphobia as last time my guy went away, which is what prompted the search and subsequent find of this site, but still, really not- fun factors at play right now, so I really REALLY appreciate the support here at the moment. I wrote a poem I'm really, really proud of in the middle of the night last night and posted it on my trauma diary and also one of my drawing so if anyone wants a gift of shared art, let it be a token.of my genuine gratitude for your AWESOME advice, and selves, your welcomed, and deeply appreciated input and presence in my.life right now. Thank you :-)