How Do You Understand Your Journey On Medication?

[shiraz]

I was trying to answer Ghost thread on 'Are You Deteriorating, Stable Or Improving' when I realized that I need to first sort out what it means to me to be on meds.

To ghost's question, I was going to answer: deteriorating off meds and stable and improving on meds - then I realized that I don't judge my state on meds as real, as I think the meds alter me so significantly, that it is not the real me showing up every morning. However, i feel more like myself on the meds ... so I am confused and looking to change my beliefs around meds.

Right now I believe that being on meds is a false economy. I look and feel better, but this is not the 'real' me. When I come off the meds, I hope that I do not go back to being that crumpled up shell of a person, I hope that I have learnt some new skills by then and that my brain will have rewired a bit. Some people are on meds indefinitely and will be wondering why I am talking of coming off when I have just started .... simply, I want to start a family and need to be drug free for that and I also don't want to become reliant on the meds to keep me stable, I want to work hard to improve so that I can come off of them, instead of becoming tolerant to them as will eventually happen.

How do you see being on meds? Is this a forever thing for you or do you want to come off of them sometime? Is the 'you' on meds the real you? I need some fresh perspectives to challenge my thinking.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I'm a bit unsure myself at the moment. The only med I am on that helps my PTSD symptoms is valium. It helps VERY mildly. Now, I would like to eventually stop taking valium. I am beginning to realize that I made need to be on something else (in addition or instead of).

Overall, my theory on meds is - if you need them - then you need them. I take blood pressure meds and know that I must take them for the rest of my life. My mom is on medications to handle several mental illnesses and in order for her to live - her meds are necessary.

I'm still not sure if the same will apply to me for PTSD. I think it's a very individual and case by case situation.

 

[Deleted member 541]

IMO, feeling *real* is either on or off meds as long as you are maintaining, coping well, feel emotionally stable, and feel like you are part of the world again......I think too, that having way fewer symptoms is important in the equation too.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Shiraz,

Hard to say.-

I think that if the meds compensate for a chemical imbalance, they are necessary, especially if the alternative results in continual unbearable pain or an inability to function. That ability is really necessary if you are raising a family.

If, however, you find fairly 'instantaneous' relief from a source that is not chemical, it makes me wonder to what extent new thoughts/ coping techniques help. Not that it is our 'fault', but perhaps we can 'retrain' our brain in many more respects than we know (beyond just trigger management, etc.).
Perhaps it has much also to do with being able to believe in our own worth/ shed guilt/ find purpose/ not isolate ourselves.

 

[Ursa]

For me medications are a short term relief for the symptoms until I get emotional structure to come out of them. Right now I don't feel like myself either on or off meds. On the other hand, as a human being I understand that we are always learning something and therefore changing. So I don't expect to feel the same as before after coming off meds (if I ever do... who knows?).

On the other day I was thinking. How does it feel like to be healed? Answer: I have no idea. How am I suppose to know when it is time to come out of meds? All I know is that they help me to function better and to have some sleep. I am sure that without them I could have not survived the past few months. So far they have saved my life. If I need to take meds for the rest of my life to be able to function and to survive I will do it. I also would like to come off them to get pregnant sometime in the future but my needs right now are my first priority. Without present there is no future.

 

[kers]

How am I suppose to know when it is time to come out of meds? All I know is that they help me to function better and to have some sleep. I am sure that without them I could have not survived the past few months.

This sums up my feelings on the matter, too. Ursa. With the meds (and therapy) I feel I am living rather than suffering. It doesn't feel like a fake me--it feels like a more real me. My reactivity is down enough that I can sometimes be calm and peaceful. On the meds I have stopped self-harming, stopped my daily meltdowns, and gotten a good night's sleep almost every night for more than a year. I can finally work on my trauma.

So, I'm okay with the meds for now. Maybe when I feel the trauma has been resolved in therapy, then I'll go about the business of trying to decrease the meds, but right now they allow me to live a relatively normal life and to do the deep work I need to in therapy. I wouldn't mind getting off the anti-depressant, but I will stay on the Trazodone (sleep med/anti-d) for as long as it continues to be effective.

 

[clare]

Hi shiraz,

I've been off meds for about 10 months. I'm still stable, but I would never have gotten to this point without the meds. Initially they consisted of anti psychotocs, a.convulsants, a.depressants, a.anxiety and sleep meds. The pot-pourri of pills gave me a new start. For me, untreated CPTSD (no therapy or meds for a long time) required chemical stabilization. I was able to learn that choices that lead to improvements in my life are limited if I'm not physically healthy enough to make them. So, was I the "real me" on meds?-not really. However, the real me was pretty f****d up so I learned to let her go. It took a year to get off the meds. I learned that whatever the particular medication did for me I would have to learn to do for myself in order to live without the chemicals. Tools, tools and more tools-most of the therapists were "tools"! but gradually I gave up fighting their recommendations and reconciled that I needed to drop the old survival techniques-the wars over, stop fighting! I'm still changing and I may need some meds again if I hit a roadblock, but I don't fear them anymore. I mean, why drive around in circles when you got GPS?

JMHO,

clare

 

[cat]

I see meds (anti d's) as a short term tool, one which together with therapy is going to get me through this hell. I was very reluctant to take them at first & only agreed to take them for 3mths when my psychologist told me I was self-harming by not giving them a try, now 9mths later I'm much more relaxed & no panic attacks, the dose has just been increased in the hope it will improve my sleep & I've come to terms with taking them.

Now I'm asking the same question as Ursa, how will I know when i'm ready to come off them. At he moment my anxiety is manageable but is that my meds or the hard work I've put into therapy. I've learnt many techniques for managing my symptoms but while I take meds how can I practice them?

So many questions, any advice?

 

[shiraz]

why drive around in circles when you got GPS?

I love this! Well put Clare and thanks for the input. x

 

[shiraz]

Thanks for your replies everyone ... there are some interesting ideas and perspectives to contemplate from all.

XXX

 

[bonnecanyon]

I have been re-reading this thread because I am considering going back on meds.

I took Prozac for almost 10 years beginning in 1992. For the first time in my life I had a normal energy level and felt good rather than dragging myself around to do the bare minimum. Then I switched to Celexa and it worked well too. For some reason I decided I wanted to switch again so took Lexapro a few years later. I began getting restless about taking meds and thought maybe I didn't need them anymore. I tried to go off Lexapro and had a bad experience. It made me all the more determined to get off this shit altogether. I weaned myself off over a period of 4 months. Taking smaller and smaller doses every 4-5 days until I no longer felt like my brain was twitching.

That was in May of 2008. Now here I am considering going back. But this time I am going in with a better understanding of how I feel and what anti-depressants do. It's a big decision and a scary one, but I keep seeing a vision of myself being relaxed and happy and I want that again. This time I know that I may need to take them for the rest of my life. This time will be a conscious decision, not a doctor handing me a prescription on a piece of paper and saying "have a nice day."

BC