Therapy not deserved

[Fiadh]

I feel like I don't deserve help and this has meant that my assessment for therapy came and went with me not going. I want it to go to someone else- I read other people's struggles here for example and think you can have my spot. I tried therapy before and had my allotted NHS time and don't want them to think that I failed, like I didn't try hard enough and have had to go back.

Every time something goes wrong in life I feel like it's pay back for my actions and having therapy feels wrong- like it's not deserved. Has anyone else felt this way?

 

[Multitudes]

therapy feels wrong- like it's not deserved.

I waited years to see a psychotherapist, but now I have one, I tell her, every session, that I feel I don't deserve the time that she could be devoting to someone who actually needs it.
I feel that I am not worthy, nor deserving of help.. that my issues are made-up, false, lies to get attention. She continues, regardless.

In the days between, I am so thankful that another session is booked, that someone listens, offers advice and lightens my load.. while I also dread wasting even more of her time.

I read other people's struggles here

So much! How can my petty experiences ever compare to those of the members I've interacted with here?

I've cried for so long over my own pain, and lately wept for the suffering I've seen here - it is hard to think of it, and so hard for me to say, but we have suffering and low self worth in common .. if you, @Iriseen, were here, I would give you my next session! (Or my last Rolo, your choice).

Mad, huh. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Has anyone else felt this way?

In theory, feeling like you don't deserve anything is a cognitive distortion/ core belief.

I say in theory, because I don't believe anyone deserves anything, most of the time, myself included. The entire concept confuses the hell out of me. To my way of thinking? Whether we get things or not? Has more to do with luck/chance & hard work/effort. Either it just sorta happens to be there, whether we avail ourselves or not, or we have to fight for it.

Whether that's therapy, or clean drinking water, or true love, or being treated with respect, or shoes. Really, almost any topic under the sun.

Do I deserve therapy? Do I deserve shoes? Nope. Not to my way of thinking. But if I want them? I need to make a decision to go after them. Maybe it will be easy to get. (Hell, maybe someone will just hand them to me... Wow! Thanks!!! :D How effing cool is that?) Maybe it will be hard. Maybe? It will be damn near impossible.

Easy or hard though? I have to decide this is something I want. For whatever reason. Even if I don't actually want the thing itself (like if someone gives me shoes, and I don't actually want shoes? I may still take them, because I appreciate the kindness of the gift, if not the gift itself).

I have an extremely difficult time wanting anything. So that piece right there? Makes everything harder. First in wanting anything to begin with, then in wanting it consistently enough for the sustained effort involved in going after it. :wtf:

I also have a few wee small little problems with trust. <cough> So I reeeeally don't like letting other people make their own decisions. I have to work very, very, very hard to allow others to do so. Like deciding to spend their time with/on me. (Bad decision! Dude, are you f*cking insane? :O_o: This is ME we're talking about.) Or in allowing others their own priorities/triage. (Um. There are maybe a bazillion other people who need this more than I do. I need very, very little. I just want it. And clearly, not that badly, as I'm not fighting tooth and nail for it. So I'm fine. Give the shoes to someone else. I can live without shoes. Hell. I've lived with a helluva lot worse than no shoes. Just because someone else says they have plenty of shoes, and they want me to have these shoes, doesn't mean I'm going to agree with their assessment. I don't even agree with them having the right to make that assessment.) And don't even get me started on the whole letting someone know I want something. :facepalm: Because that gives them the power to seriously f*ck with me.

There are a few more pieces that go into it. But those are the big ones, for me.

When someone says I "deserve" something? Be it therapy, respect, shoes, whathaveyou.... That makes about as much sense to me as someone telling me I deserve to be a concert pianist... Without ever practicing. Or a nuclear physicist, without ever opening a book and learning/studying. Deserve? Cha. Don't get it.

 

[Fiadh]

In theory, feeling like you don't deserve anything is a cognitive distortion/ core belief.

I say in the...

So no I don't deserve therapy I agree with what you are saying with that nobody deserves anything in life- when you put it like you have.

But I do know I need some 'shoes'. Because life is starting to take a major slip. I just don't see why I would be a good enough person to be bothered about, I definitely don't want them choosing my shoes (control freak). And I don't want them taking them off someone else for me to wear them- because I've survived without for so long that my needs are at the bottom of the list.

So I guess I need to work out whether I really want it. I hate being called 'non concordant' but that's the label they tend to slap on me.. the bastards! Maybe if I saved an paid for it myself I wouldn't feel so bad? Could be an option.

 

[Ronin]

I want it to go to someone else

If you go, and get therapy, or even figure what you don't want/need from therapy?

That leaves space for someone else to get that spot you don't want/need, but testing the waters first IS something you can do.

Besides, the whole 'deserve' thing is a quick road to madness. Aair. Don't deserve. Life. Don't deserve. Million of things. Don't deserve. Hey, depression, would you knock this shit off already; just because I don't deserve it, doesn't mean it can't be freaking useful.

And useful to someone else. Further down the healing road, or in some respects? Means you can help more. Or give references.

 

[Fiadh]

Hey, depression, would you knock this shit off already

It's like my brain saying - you don't deserve anything good for you or fun.... remember what you did over 10 years ago- which still feels like yesterday. It's guilt, a massive portion of it.

 

[Ronin]

remember what you did over 10 years ago

Okay, by the same logic:

The - you ten years ago- didn't deserve it.
But you're not that you, now. You're someone else.

And you don't know if you deserve the thing or not, simply because those rules of why you don't deserve it? Don't apply to the same you, the person you're now, in this current time.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Iriseen... So I take it your life is going really well and your managing your ptsd now.... No problemo???.. That's the only reason why I would pass on therapy,?

you don't deserve therapy?.. Did your abuser tell you, you don't deserve things?.
Everybody on here has had to deal with some horror. Some worse than others.. Yes... But they ain't you and can't live your life...

You haven't failed.. One thing you need help with is your thinking.. Cognitive Distortion is at play here.... And pay back doesn't happen like that....
I'm sorry I know I can be blunt... But we all need help we all need self love.... We all need to help ourselves.. The best way possible... I hope you realise you deserve the best. We all do..

 

[Fiadh]

The - you ten years ago- didn't deserve it.
But you're not that you, now. You're someone else..

Now this made me proper think- there's no way I'm that same person now- but in my head for all this time I have been stuck at that time, dealing with stuff that I couldn't deal with, it was too much. So need to put my NOW head on, shit never even thought I had changed at all. Ha ha what a weirdo am I!

 

[Emotional girl]

I think that it is your negative thoughts which are telling you that you do not deserve to have therapy.
Mental health/PTSD isn't a competition and you may think that your problems are not as important as everyone else's but this isn't true.You have something which is affecting your way of life and the way that you are thinking and you DO deserve to get help.
I often sit in my therapy sessions and I think why does this man want to help me so much ,why is he being so kind to me and surely there are worse people than people who he could helpand that I do not deserve his help but that is just my negative thoughts talking and in therapy I am trying to change that.
I relly think that you should ask for a re-assessment and get the therapy that you need and deserve.

 

[Ronin]

Ha ha what a weirdo am I!

No, not a weirdo at all. :)

Part being it's just an usual self concept for some people. Part being trauma just freezes people in it, and feels so no-change/no-chance, so frequently. Kudos on considering different angles to look at it.

 

[Gadgie]

Quote.....”I waited years to see a psychotherapist, but now I have one, I tell her, every session, that I feel I don't deserve the time that shecould be devoting to someone who actually needs it.”

When I read that it was a shock to me, as that’s exactly what I felt when I started having my therapy, many years ago.
As like you, I had waited such a long time for it, I hope it helps you and that you gain a lot from it, good luck.