Freeze/hide mode

[mumstheword]

My biggest struggle at the moment. Does anyone else struggle with this? Or has found strategies that help? I have a truly abusive triggery neighbor who lives right next door with 4 big, violent dogs who constantly does things that exacerbate this symptom, on top of very damaging ex related factors here, in this area I live in, that compound to create a lot of this problem for me. I've gotten on top of my disordered eating in a big way, but the stress induced by my trigger factors are driving my weight up due to the freeze mode and trying to stress manage which in term triggers my anxiety, low self worth, self-disgust and depression. I also don't yet drive, so am often stuck here. I want to be able to go for walks and get active again! Instead of collapsing in freeze/hide mode constantly when.I'm in my house.

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, this can get seriously out of control, can't it? I believe it is one of the core reasons that I have been chronically homeless for 10 years or so. I am just now noticing that I am starting (I think) to get a grip on it.

I guess a question I would have to ask is this:

Instead of collapsing in freeze/hide mode constantly when.I'm in my house.

What is the difference between you inside your house and outside of your house?

Also, what is this guys interplay/interaction with you? Is it just his presence that gets to you or is he actually doing stuff that seems directed at you?

 

[mumstheword]

It's a woman. She has physically attacked my partner, and her dogs have attacked him also. She yells abusively alot, mainly to her children and their Dad but sometimes us. Her abuse style reminds me of my own abusive mother SO I'm finding the triggers very overpowering at times. I'm due to go in to a trauma unit for a three week admission fairly early in the year precisely because this neighbor's stressing us out so much. She steals our stuff, we are now filming her hoping to get proof of this. She's just done a lot of horrible and abusive and negligent stuff. Her dogs keep attacking, mostly pets but like I said, my man as well, she doesn't police them when they attack, I don't think she can.or wants to control them..
She accosted me in my house a couple of weeks ago and wouldn't stop and go away when I asked her to. Accusing me of having her hen, which.I didn't have. She lies, lies, lies, which I can't stand. I had a very dishonest and abusive and negligent mother and 21 year relationship (my 7 children's father) so when she gives the exact same sort of response my mother would give, well, my inner frightened, very miserable and emotional tortured and neglected child just freaks out and hides/freezes. I'm ok in the town next door but not here, due to the evil-doings of my ex and horrid people like this neighbor-from-hell and my unresolved trauma(s).
She has death-threated us, punched my guy, screamed abuse numerable times, her dogs bark constantly and have killed three pets and mauled two others, throws poison into our garden which kills our food plants, plays loud music constantly, thrown shit and stinky mud on our place and shit at our other neighbors and tried to fabricate a charge against my guy which resulted in a court order when I was.miscarrying this previous January.
I won't even go into why my ex damaged my experience of this town, that's too complicated.

 

[mumstheword]

Sorry about no paragraphs. This stuff is so upsetting, I forgot my writing manners. @shimmerz

Yeah, this can get seriously out of control, can't it? I believe it is one of the core reasons that I...

Homelessness sucks. I've done quite few years of that too, but I lived in vehicles mostly. In fact I gave birth once in a car park and once in a camping ground.

That sounds really tough, that you've been homeless so long.

My freeze is in the house because of neighbor triggers. When I leave, to catch the bus and so on, I move very quickly out of the vicinity of this despicable woman. I'm fine when I get to the next town over.

I also avoid this town alot for reasons related to my narcy ex and mother.

 

[shimmerz]

She accosted me in my house a couple of weeks ago and wouldn't stop and go away when I asked her to.

How did she get into your house? Just curious if there is a boundaries issue here.

Oh, and so you know that I 'get this', I had a set of landlords (not to mention my ex et al) that literally tried to drive me insane. They walked in unannounced all the time, harassed me.... like there are seriously f*cked up people in this world. I used to try to make them act properly around me. An almost impossible task. People are who people are.

I moved. I had to. It really screwed with my sense of justice, but honestly, these types aren't worth the pound of psychological damage that they do in my opinion.

 

[shimmerz]

I won't even go into why my ex damaged my experience of this town, that's too complicated.

Yeah, I have one or two of those stories as well. I get it.

I'm fine when I get to the next town over.

So then this would indicate to me (these days) that I need to address the stress and either be out constantly or to move. There may be more things I thought of with time, but those are the two that come to mind immediately for me.

You know, I remember back in the day thinking to myself that my goddamm ex and his posse would NOT run me out of town. I stood on principle. Now? Still in this town. I walk freely in other towns and I wonder to myself, why am I putting myself through this?

If there is one thing I have learned to trust through all of this....
Assholes can always be trusted to be assholes. No manner of my trying to control the situation is going to change that. The concept, although it sucks, can be super freeing as well.

Oh, and btw, I am still working on getting out of this town. I am still a work in progress.

 

[mumstheword]

She didn't actually get in. She just kept banging on the door and wouldn't go away. I threatened to call the police and she said smugly "well call the police then." When the policeman got there she brazenly lied to his face and he was very rude, preachy, dismissive and condescending to me.

We've since had a better interaction with another local copper though. She called them the other night, not related to us but a different matter with another neighbor and our local constable came up to my partner and said "hopefully she'll be out soon".

We are also waiting on the local ranger to respond to the dangerous dogs threat she poses and to assist our otherside neighbors in suing her for her expenses and damages. We are primary witnesses because the only person who actively polices her dogs, is my guy. The one she seems fixated on but abused and attacks and slanders constantly (oh she slanders me as well). I think she wants him but that's never going to happen.

I really, really want to move, but have two high school children attending the local here and I don't want to disrupt them.
Plus we are not the only neighbors who's lives she's making a misery of, so there's that. I think she should go. I would still move if I could though, I've just been so unwell with this situation though, as has my guy, we are both sufferers. Barely keeping our heads above water at the moment. Can't wait til my hospital admission.

 

[shimmerz]

Plus we are not the only neighbors who's lives she's making a misery of, so there's that.

Okay, so the good thing in that is that it isn't just you two who are subjected to this. I know that is a dubious distinction, but it is a validating thing and also means that you guys aren't the only ones complaining.

I know about police who are dismissive and it is horrible. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like an absolute nightmare. But it also sounds like you are being proactive in defending yourselves the best that you can.

So very wrong when hospital sounds better than being at home.

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah, I have one or two of those stories as well. I get it.

So then this would indicate to me (the...

I also wonder "why am I putting myself through this?" Then I remember, for my children and because I'm not well enough or able enough to move (yet! :-)).

We did a lot of avoiding this neighbor issue but it got worse. So now we alternate between addressing it and damaging controlling the fallout from dealing with trigger-trauma stress and exhaustion and shut down mode.

Lately it's been very bad. But we are a strong couple so we support each other.

As for the Asshole thing, I sadly but wisely agree.

We have purchased trail cams of late and have already compiled some incriminating footage to present to council. And tonight, I recorded 10 minutes of her dogs barking. Which is a noise offence.That helped me feel a little less victimized and a little more proactive. It felt good :-).

 

[mumstheword]

Okay, so the good thing in that is that it isn't just you two who are subjected to this. I know that...

It is a good thing :-) (sort of?) We are not being heard by our community housing providers but now have a connection that has a contact for an authority that wants to take them to court for negligence in another matter, so maybe she will help all us suffering tenants get somewhere too? One can only hope.

I do look forward to leaving here and I'm rooting for you to get somewhere better and that suits you too!

I would move in a blink of an eye if i could but not too far as we are really happy with this school.

I have six more years then free to move away. My youngest has high school for six years.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @mumstheword I'm so sorry this bitch is making you feel like this.... And it's OK to freeze...

If you can don't let her stop you from doing things... Low self worth is just a horrible feeling and so to is disgust.... But you know that those feelings are temporary.. Because your beautiful, intelligent, creative and supportive...
Don't you dare let this bitch win..... She's not your mum and as such you can fight her back with all the evidence you are collecting... Try and focus on that and some self love....

Or image hitting her, tripping her up... Whatever visual your imagination can create... That will help..... Big hugs.... X

 

[mumstheword]

Hi @mumstheword I'm so sorry this bitch is making you feel like this.... And it's OK to...

We learnt a technique called " astral tagging". The theory is, if a criminal is getting away with stuff and you can't prove it, visualize them, " astral tag them" covered in that toxic-flouro green. Apparently, if you keep doing it, eventually they will expose themselves or be exposed. We have been.doing it, don't know if it will work but it makes us feel better anyway. So fingers crossed!

I'm just going to get through this holiday without putting on even more weight. Just hanging in there until my admission.
I lost two pregnancies this year, at 4 and 3 months so it's been a really shitty year. Worst functionality and symptoms for years. At least I organised a lot more T support for myself and started drawing for stress management.

I'm now relieved at not having a baby with the love of my life because we are both sufferers not coping very well, as it is. I don't want to bring a baby in to this crapola.

Such is life.

I feel better for offloading and talking to you @shimmerz thanks loads :-) :-) :-)

I really hope next year is our best year yet, because we must be due a better deal, surely!
I'm putting out for better housing and environmental options all round, for you and for us.

I know what's it's like having to leave because of total assholes. I walked out on my ex, left him with the house. I was shattered and fighting for my life. I'm too damn avoidant of authorities in general and I'm sure that doesn't help. Like you say "work in progress".:-)