General First Post C-PSTD Question

[carys]

I wanted to reply to other posts but I am not allowed yet so I am posting where I can. I just started a relationship about 3 months ago with a man who is deployed in Iraq. This forum has helped me soooo much. He exhibits A LOT of the traits of PTSD sufferers and I didn't know that was what he was suffering from until I came across this forum. Now his behaviors make much more sense to me.

He has never told me he sufferers from it but I think he knows he sufferers from it. If I speak/email with him too much, he'll be unresponsive for days at a time. I haven't spoke with him in a few days so today I just sent him a message saying, "busy here but thinking of ya!", now after reading some posts I have found that doing that probably isn't what I should be doing. Now, I'm thinking I've ruined it with him or he's thinking "ugh, go away, she's so annoying". :(

I never know what to say to him. After reading these forums I will give him space and have him initiate contact with me and I've done that in the past and it's worked well. My question is, should I tell him I know/suspects he suffers from PTSD? I am so positive with him all the time b/c of the situation he is in and I tell him how amazing he is often (eventhough he doesn't believe it). Should i continue to do these things? Or should I act "tough" and not say these nice things to him? Should I let him know i know about his PTSD? I am sooo confused as to how to best deal with him. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm some kind of pushover, which I'm totally not, but he's just in such a crappy situation, I can't bring it upon myself to give him anything negitive when he's over there.

 

[helena]

Hi Carys,

Welcome to the forum and I hope you will find the answers you're looking for

Has he been displaying symptoms for a long time or is this a recent occurrence?

 

[Pam]

If it weren't for the fact that my guy and I knew each other when I was a little girl and I am now 53 with some years of experience under my belt, I would not, no way, nadda, don't even think it, start a relationship with a guy with ptsd. So any youngun out there that does and then comes here to seek help has got to be a one of a kind human being far better than I would have been under similar circumstances. You have my admiration.

 

[carys]

I haven't know him long enough to know if he's had it for a long time. I'm going to guess yes, because this is his third deployment, twice in Iraq, once in Afgahn. I normally wouldn't "deal" with this either but he is different, there is something about him, something I see in him, I can't really explain it. It is more a feeling than anything else. I see a lot of potential in him. I am 30 years old, I am very independent and happy with who I am, who I've become. I have dated lots of men, but this one is very different and not because of his PTSD. I know he doesn't love himself, I know he doesn't think highly of himself and I tell him often how incredible he is but he never believes it and that's frustrating for someone who has a lot of self love. My friends tell me not to go down this road and I dont know how far I will go down it with him, but my intuition is telling me to stick around. i don't want to give up just yet, he has too much potential that I think he needs help finding. i didn't know it before today but his low self worth is a symptom/sigh of ptsd.

 

[carys]

If it weren't for the fact that my guy and I knew each other when I was a little girl and I am now 53 with some years of experience under my belt, I would not, no way, nadda, don't even think it, start a relationship with a guy with ptsd. So any youngun out there that does and then comes here to seek help has got to be a one of a kind human being far better than I would have been under similar circumstances. You have my admiration.

You are very kind. I hope my guy realizes that too :)

 

[helena]

Hi Carys,

Maybe read some posts by carers here - just to give you an idea of what cptsd can be like for him and, more importantly, what it will be like for you.

It is a very hard road to go down for carers even those who have had lifetimes with their sufferers and knew them before the injuries and the cptsd condition.

If you want a life with him, children, stability etc then you really do need to know what you could be letting yourself in for.

I hope whatever you decide that it is the right decision for you. You may find that his symptoms are worse when he is back in your own country and/or out of the service - I don't know why that happens but maybe another combat ptsd could explain that to you.

I hope nothing I have said upsets you but I can't pretend that this is an easy thing to do. If he does come back to you with this condition you will need an enormous reserve of patience, compassion, strength, love and finances!

 

[catjudo]

Hi, Carys. Welcome to the forum. After reading your post, I have a couple of thoughts and questions.

You say you've only been with this guy for three months. How long were you dating before he deployed?

Based on your limited time with him and his symptoms, why is it you think he has C-PTSD as opposed to PTSD?

You say that he can be unresponsive for days at a time. It is really him being unresponsive or perhaps that he hasn't had the ability to use the computer? Don't forget, he is in a war. I've had quite a few friends and family members who've been deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan. Depending on their rank within the military, their job or assignment while deployed, and their location some haven't been able to communicate on a daily basis. I currently have one friend and one family member in Baghdad. My friend has frequent computer access. My family member is able to communicate frequently, sometimes but not always daily.

Lastly, I would caution you against self-diagnosis. Actually, in this case it isn't even self-diagnosis, as you're trying to diagnose your boyfriend. Displaying many of the symptoms does not necessarily mean that one has PTSD. I'm not saying that he doesn't, but only a professional could make that determination. Again, remember that he is in a war. This alone could contribute to behaviors and reactions that are unlike him. You really only listed his irregular communication as a symptom...what other symptoms does he have that make you think he has PTSD?

As to your question of whether you should tell him that you know about his PTSD...you don't know that he has it. You might ask him if he has it. But since there is no way for you to know if he has it unless he tells you, telling him that you know he has PTSD really isn't an option.

 

[carys]

Thank you for your response and questions. I met him through a mutual friend. I wasn't with him at all before he was deployed. I met him while he was on leave, he went back, we developed a very close relationship via email, then came back for R&R, things went pretty well with us and now he's back in Iraq again. I do not know if it's C-PTSD or PTSD I would assume it is C because of what he does for a living but I cannot know for sure.

Yes I understand he is in a war, i very much do. And yes, it is him being unrepsonsive. He has access to email everyday and I have left him messages with no response and I know he gets them. I am not upset about the no response, there could be a lot of reasons why he doesn't respond, that alone does not mean he has PTSD. However, after reading through this forum and doing research on my own, I am not a professtional, but I am convinced he suffers from some form of PTSD. How could he not with the stuff he's seen, he is on the front line often, taking care of the injured.

With that said, I believe mostly it is symptoms of avoidence and emotional numbing. He is numb to emotion as he has stated to me himself, he is hopeless about the future, he as comittment issues, he has memory problems, difficulty maintaining close relationships gf/friends/family. When he was with me on leave, I heard him having a horrible nightmare, apparently the first one he has ever had. In his past he has had distructive behavoir. He told me before we started really "talking" if he got close to me he was going to try and "run" and he has held true to his word. But he won't run away completely, at least not yet.

I am on here to find ways to help me deal with this while he is over there. I am on here to read experiences and get advice from carers and sufferes as to what I could be potentially dealing with and how best to handle it. I am on here to find ways to be supportive of him.

 

[catjudo]

I am convinced he suffers from some form of PTSD. How could he not with the stuff he's seen, he is on the front line often, taking care of the injured.

By that logic, every soldier who is deployed to a war zone would have PTSD. That is not the case. Everybody handles and responds to the situation differently.

You should also do some reading in the information areas of the forum about the differences between PTS and PTSD. He is still currently in the situation. Since he was already deployed and you met him while on leave, he has been in his current situation the entire time that you've known him. His reaction and symptoms regarding what he is seeing may be very real but do not necessarily mean PTSD.

Also, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is generally only found in individuals who have been exposed to long term traumas, such as abuse, during childhood. It is doubtful that his current career would have anything to do with CPTSD vs PTSD.

 

[carys]

Thank you. I will do that.