What's helpful and what's not to discuss in therapy (memories)?

[Briellewannabe]

Hello everyone. First off, thanks for all the support I received on my last post. I took the consensus' advice and have continued to see my therapist. It's been going fairly well, surprisingly, though I feel like we're both not sure what to do now. That's what brings me here today.

I don't know what will be helpful to talk about. I have all these horrible memories of trauma from when I was really little and abused by a neighbor, as well as one particularly bad trauma when I was 13. I can't get these images... these memories out of my head. It seems like a part of me is trying to sabotage any possible progress by increasing the frequency and intensity. It's been worse this past week because I start a new job on the 16th and I think part of me worries that the job will be a good distraction, that the only chance of things getting really bad again (me getting suicidal) is now or never. I don't know if you guys have ever experienced that... I can't seem to make it through the day without struggling against the memories, or through a night without a nightmare.

My therapist has asked (several times now) if I want to talk about my memories, and I truly don't know. I hate talking about it because it's just awful, and I feel self-conscious, and I worry I'll be too explicit, or gloss over something, or somehow tell it WRONG. I worry it's not going to help, that it'll just be stuck in my head even more, or have consequences I can't even foresee. But, if it would help, then I want to talk about it. I just don't know. I don't know what would be helpful and she doesn't seem to know either (which makes sense... she can't mind-read nor can she predict the future). My T has seen me (during a couple sessions) go through body memories--where it feels like I'm 5 years old and re-experiencing a trauma... like I can feel the pain and I say things I don't remember saying when it's over. So she knows it's bad... and sometimes I can't help but wonder if she keeps asking me if I want to talk about it because human curiosity or because she thinks it will help.

I don't know what to do. I can't get these memories out of my head. My poor partner wakes up on a nightly basis with me crying because they just feel too much (why are nights ALWAYS worse?!?!) and my current employer has been understanding (she just thinks I've been ill) but I need things to change if I'm going to keep my new position, and to be bluntly honest, I can't keep going as it is now. There are days where the pain feels so much that it clouds any reasons to stay (the biggest and really only reason being I don't want to hurt anyone. My partner and some little boys I've nannied would be devastated).

Any advice? What does it look like when/if you've talked about traumas in therapy? I've written some memories down as well as drawn some... I'm wondering if it would be worth it to share.... but I don't want to share just for the sake of sharing.

I don't know if this makes sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, Is your therapist a trauma therapist?

 

[Freida]

I hate talking about it because it's just awful, and I feel self-conscious, and I worry I'll be too explicit, or gloss over something, or somehow tell it WRONG. I worry it's not going to help, that it'll just be stuck in my head even more, or have consequences I can't even foresee

I think everyone has these fears at first - that they are going to freak out their Ts or say something that is wrong, or makes them look bad. Followed by the fear that if you voice it - it will explode. I think both feelings are totally normal. So maybe that is the place to start with your T --- your fear about fear.

 

[Briellewannabe]

Hi, Is your therapist a trauma therapist?

Hello. No, she's not. I don't currently have health insurance so I can't afford anyone else. She's a really good T, but she's also an intern (she's almost credentialed now) and allows me to pay what I can when I can.

I think everyone has these fears at first - that they are going to freak out their Ts or say something that is wrong, or makes them look bad. Followed by the fear that if you voice it - it will explode. I think both feelings are totally normal. So maybe that is the place to start with your T --- your fear about fear.

I'm not too worried about freaking out my T--I just don't want to do something that's unhelpful or going to make things worse. It might be worth it to talk about my "fear of fear," but I don't know... It's more like I'm trying to make sure things don't get worse, because I can't handle too much worse, but in the meantime, it feels like I'm wasting away sessions with my T by not doing something to change the present.

 

[UnicornSightings]

You won’t know til you give it a shot. What works for some doesn’t work for others. You just have to decide if you want to live in fear or take the chance. It seems you fail to believe that once you uncork that bottle that you won’t be able to be ok again. Have faith in yourself. You’ve made it this far and endured far worse that whatever feelings may come up.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d personally avoid talking about trauma until I had a trauma T. You risk opening Pandora’s box with someone who has no clue how to put things back together. And if this happens, you risk all stability. A non trauma T can just make things worse as they don’t know what they’re doing. Talking about trauma gives you a voice, but nothing else. As in, why open things up if you’re not processing things? You’ll have all this trauma opened up with nowhere to go and no way to process it. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, speaking as someone who has been there.

 

[Suzetig]

A non trauma T can just make things worse as they don’t know what they’re doing.

That's not actually true, an incompetent therapist can make things worse but unless you're talking about specific manualised therapy for trauma (e.g. DBT) a good general therapist should be able to support someone talking about their trauma safely. They may recommend particular work for particular symptoms but they should be able to listen and work through issues.

 

[EveHarrington]

That's not actually true, an incompetent therapist can make things worse but unless you're talking abou...

I’m sorry you don’t agree with my experiences but I stand by what I said. You have not lived my life nor do you know what I have been through.

 

[Freida]

I just don't want to do something that's unhelpful or going to make things worse.

Funny -- I had these same fears. And then my bestie yelled at me one day and said......."Stop trying to do her job for her! You don't have the training to know what is helpful and what is not - so knock it off!"

In a kinder way I'll say to you... Let her lead you rather than trying to monitor what you say or not say. That's the true job of a therapist - to find a path you can follow without pushing you off the cliff. But for her to be able to do that she needs info from you so she can set up the journey.

 

[Suzetig]

Your experiences are just that @EveHarrington, however you didn't post your experience. You took your experience and generalised it to both the whole therapy profession and to all trauma clients.

You had poor experiences with non-trauma therapists who in your view didn't know what they were doing. It's not the case that all non-trauma therapists don't know what they are doing or will make things worse. In many countries you won't find such a thing as a "trauma therapist" in any event and yet people still get therapeutic support for trauma. Research shows that the most effective thing in therapy is the therapeutic relationship - regardless of modality, training or specialism. Despite your experience, it is not the case that a non-trauma therapist can't work effectively with trauma and in the context of an established, secure therapeutic relationship I'd be inclined to try.