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Deleted member 45588
This is really difficult to talk about, but I believe when I was sexually assaulted (touched sexually without consent) the offender did it on purpose so that when I got PTSD from his horrible action I would not be able to shade in my drawings anymore, because it would be too triggering for me. I used to get a lot of compliments over my drawings (particulary if they were shaded in)) and I felt like it was one of the few things I was good at, and now he has taken it away from me. I really want to overcome this and be able to draw again, I am trying to learn to draw without shading and I feel like all along I was getting the compliments I was delusional and the compliments didn't mean anything and didn't realize it was just the shading that was good in my pictures and not the actual drawing. He was a teacher and after he did it I was too frightened to go back into school due to PTSD so he wrecked my future prospects by making it so I can't get qualifications to get a decent job and he has taken the one thing I was good at away from me too, it's like he really knew what to do extra to an action that was horrible enough to successfully ruin my life. What he did was lean over me, putting his penis on my bum through the hole in the chair, but what was really weird is that he gradually reduced the pressure of his penis on my backside, which is how you shade in your drawings. When I think about him doing it, I feel so small and worthless, like he's saying about the shading ''That's all you are''.
I don't' get compliments on my drawings anymore but I work hard and practice hoping one day to be good enough again as if what he did to me never happened. I don't believe anymore that you have to have a 'talent' to draw, I think artists worked hard and drew lots to get where they were.
Before he did it he manipulated me, he complimented my school work and made me feel good about myself and then not long after he did it and then I just froze up. After that I realized he was a sociopath, and I never ever set foot in that college again.
I was too scared to report it and didn't say anything about it until 3 months after. He's gotten away with it scotch-free and he's still teaching at the school/college while I got kicked out of college for speaking up about it (stupid decision, I know) and I am the one being punished because I've had what I love to do taken away from me.
I've accepted the fact my drawings weren't that good unless they were shaded in (and even if they were shaded in they weren't particulary good), but bloody hell that didn't mean I deserved to be sexually assaulted!
I hope that make sense. How can I overcome this? I am trying to learn to draw but it's taking a long time (as is usual for people in most cases) and I think that will solve it and even get justice on him and make it certain that he has not actually ruined my life and I still have that control to do what I want. I want closure so desperately and I have so many questions about this awful trauma. Am I reading to much into it? Does anyone have a similar experience of the offender trying to ruin something you really enjoy/and or make something a trigger on purpose? How did he know I would get PTSD from it?
I don't shade in my drawings anymore and find it extremely triggering but I'm innocent and I just enjoyed shading in my pictures, even if they weren't that up to standard why did he want to take this away from me?
I don't' get compliments on my drawings anymore but I work hard and practice hoping one day to be good enough again as if what he did to me never happened. I don't believe anymore that you have to have a 'talent' to draw, I think artists worked hard and drew lots to get where they were.
Before he did it he manipulated me, he complimented my school work and made me feel good about myself and then not long after he did it and then I just froze up. After that I realized he was a sociopath, and I never ever set foot in that college again.
I was too scared to report it and didn't say anything about it until 3 months after. He's gotten away with it scotch-free and he's still teaching at the school/college while I got kicked out of college for speaking up about it (stupid decision, I know) and I am the one being punished because I've had what I love to do taken away from me.
I've accepted the fact my drawings weren't that good unless they were shaded in (and even if they were shaded in they weren't particulary good), but bloody hell that didn't mean I deserved to be sexually assaulted!
I hope that make sense. How can I overcome this? I am trying to learn to draw but it's taking a long time (as is usual for people in most cases) and I think that will solve it and even get justice on him and make it certain that he has not actually ruined my life and I still have that control to do what I want. I want closure so desperately and I have so many questions about this awful trauma. Am I reading to much into it? Does anyone have a similar experience of the offender trying to ruin something you really enjoy/and or make something a trigger on purpose? How did he know I would get PTSD from it?
I don't shade in my drawings anymore and find it extremely triggering but I'm innocent and I just enjoyed shading in my pictures, even if they weren't that up to standard why did he want to take this away from me?
