Fantasy

[419can.dance]

Today. There is a pain I cannot find. A lingering in my soul that pulls me so deep.

I want to be here tomorrow. I don’t want to be in pain.

What pain? Where are you hurting?

Please describe this pain on a scale from 1-10

Nope. Can’t do any of that! I am damn crazy!

I don’t know why I am so scared to say this out loud.

The thought of dying is starting to look brighter than waking up. It’s scary.


I fave a fantasy that I have been living. Well... dying.

I am finding myself planning my death in every aspect imaginable.

No. It’s not that simple. I am SEEING my death played out.

I am feeling this absolute control to make it PERFECT!

Then I DO IT! Open my eyes and I am at the stop light still.

I feel an Explosive amount of relief each time.

Almost as if I was new. I can die. Come back new.


I know this makes zero sense. And,I have edited to try and make better words but…

This is it. Raw. f*cking crazy. But, still alive in this realm!

 

[Changing4Best]

Glad you are alive.

 

[419can.dance]

Glad you are alive.

Thank you! I am glad most days too. Though I wish these fantastic visions and feelings could just come true. Is that silly to say? I have been on the side it will be perfection! Exactly how I dreamt it out!

Meh. Just a thought I guess.

 

[Changing4Best]

There is a technical term for it, I think, it is called suicidal ideation. I have been diagnosed with it at times. That is how I have heard of it.

Are you in therapy? Do you take some kind of medications? These things can help it stop, I think. These things can help you to want to live. Also to have reasons to want to live.

 

[419can.dance]

There is a technical term for it, I think, it is called suicidal ideation. I have been diagnosed wi...

I am in therapy. It’s a hard process. I think I am starting to trust her. Actually looking forward to making to my appointment tomorrow. But, with the excitement of MAKING it... comes the fear of telling her and losing all that trust.
There is a part of me that kinda wants to duck out and vanish. But. The other part. The sane part. Wants a hug.

 

[Changing4Best]

Sometimes I find it easier to write it out for them. Your first post here explained it really pretty well. If you write it out by hand, you might be able to express it even better.