Research Informal poll: domestic violence survivors with strained father/daughter relationship from childhood

[hodge]

It's really interesting I found this thread tonight. I was talking to my mom earlier this evening and she said I saved her life when I was about four years old. According to her, my dad tried to strangle her once and I walked in, he looked at me, and stopped. She sounded very sincere, but there's always a part of me that doesn't trust what she says because she is a narcissist who has told lies before.

Anyway, more to Kimberly's question: my parents divorced when I was 10. My dad rarely saw us until I was 18. He was spending all his time with his girlfriend. I definitely felt the loss of a father who would care about me consistently. I ended up with a string of cheating or abusive boyfriends until I was well into my 30s. But, happy ending -- at 36 I fell in love with a wonderful man with whom I've been happily married for 16 years. One thing among many that made me fall in love with him was that after his first marriage ended, he didn't date for years but spent every weekend with his kids and they still talk about that to this day.

 

[Kimberly D.]

It's really interesting I found this thread tonight. I was talking to my mom earlier this evening and she...

I love your happy ending. Not everyone can say they had a happy ending, so you are lucky and deserve it!
So far, the results of the survey from my post, have proven that a commonality among survivors of DV is that we've had issues in some way or another with our fathers. It's very interesting to me. Thank you for sharing...it's helpful and more detailed than a survey offers.

 

[hodge]

Yes, Kimberly, there can be a happy ending sometimes. I still suffer symptoms of PTSD a lot, but my hubby is a saint and I've learned to live with it all. I'm glad you've found helpful info from your post :-)

 

[hodge]

I have to add that I wasn't just lucky. I had to have an epiphany or two about my history and better myself in order to be with him. In short, I had to learn to trust a good person, which wasn't easy, as I grew up with parents I couldn't trust ever. And early into our relationship, my mother did her best to try to undermine my trust in him at every turn, because she always thought she should come first in my life; anyone I loved was a threat to her. But, by the time I was in my late 30s, I had finally gotten to that point, after years of therapy (even way before PTSD), tons of prayer, and consistent hard work on myself.

 

[Kimberly D.]

I have to add that I wasn't just lucky. I had to have an epiphany or two about my history and better mysel...

I completely understand. It does take an epiphany (or 2) to come to realizations that help us propel forward. You working on yourself, enabled you to meet your husband. The epiphany is exactly what happened to me a year ago. It's changed me, my thoughts about my dad, acceptance of who he was growing up and is now, acceptance of oneself and self-love of course :p.

 

[Changing4Best]

I did your survey, but I also want to say that I was harassed and bullied in school as well. So my self-worth was more shot down at school after it had already been shot down by my father and his father.

 

[Kimberly D.]

I did your survey, but I also want to say that I was harassed and bullied in school as well. So my...

I'm so sorry both happened. Bullying infuriates me. I am constantly making sure my son (10 yrs old) doesn't ever do that in school. He's compassionate, so he is the child who feels more sorry for others.
What if anything did you do to help gain self-worth/self-esteem?

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry both happened. Bullying infuriates me. I am constantly making sure my son (10 yrs old)...

I don't know. I have no clue how to do that. I'm in therapy, that helps, I guess. Other than that, I don't know what will help.

 

[Kimberly D.]

I don't know. I have no clue how to do that. I'm in therapy, that helps, I guess. Other than that,...

My mom, who was molested by her father wrote a letter to him, but just to write it to help her, then she ripped it up. Her therapist asked her to do this and it helped a lot. Especially because he never apologized to her, which of course bothered her a lot. Writing letters to people who have mistreated us is very helpful (without giving it to them). It doesn't even have to be a letter. It could just be writing in a journal that is helpful. Maybe talk to your therapist about this?

 

[Changing4Best]

That is a good idea. Maybe I will get to it tomorrow,if not tonight. Thanks.

 

[Kimberly D.]

That is a good idea. Maybe I will get to it tomorrow,if not tonight. Thanks.

Have a good night :)