Should i be trying to "get in touch" with my rape experiences/memories/feelings?

[mumstheword]

I've always been dissociated from my rapes. My PTSD is really from long term exposure to narcissists who were supposed to take care of me. Being raped got me no care, consideration or empathy and I gave up trying to get that pretty young. Being numb/zombie/"selfless" and self-blaming was the only way I've survived.

I'm finally going in for a trauma inpatients stint. Should I approach my group therapy and upgraded care and support to try to process rapes? Or should I leave well alone because my consciousness has kindly protected me from feeling them or remembering much about them?

I honesty have so little feeling when It comes to being raped as a young person. I suffer feelings of hopelessness and a deep distrust of most people. Always had social anxiety but I learnt to be a performance artist through facing excruciating fear.

Now, due to a four year exposure to next-door-narcissist I am.plunged into worst social avoidance symptoms since near-mutism the year of three of my rapes ( at aged 16).

I'm now in my mid forties.

Is numbness and dissociation something I should be relieved and grateful for or should I try to get in touch with those horrible rape feelings in order to heal?

 

[EveHarrington]

Is the numbness and dissociation preventing you from living life to the fullest?

My guess is yes.

 

[Sideways]

Is numbness and dissociation something I should be relieved and grateful for or should I try to get in touch with those horrible rape feelings in order to heal

These aren’t mutually exclusive.

Being numb, and disociating, are coping tools. Used to the roght amount, for the right reasons, and at the right time? They can be harmless, helpful ways to manage difficult emotions.

But there are times when we need to pull out the emotional stuff (in therapy!), and process it, so that wr can move on.

My guess is that you’re going to find the program emotionally exhausting, and at times, probably quite painful. We go into those environments because they are ansafe place to do that work. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are also periods during the program where you switch off and feel numb. It’s not uncommon for patients to dissociate at times, and the staff are trained to help you manage that:)

 

[Friday]

Seems like that might be a good question to ask your treatment team?

I’m wondering, how much of this is coming from a place of long term neglect... since you’re going somewhere to be taken care of, you’re jumping the gun on trying to take care of yourself, instead of waiting for them to?

 

[mumstheword]

These aren’t mutually exclusive.

Being numb, and disociating, are coping tools. Used to the roght...

Thanks for this prep @Sideways. I'm already finding life exhausting, keeping a lid on lots of stuff.
I'll keep all that in mind though. I guess the staff will be able to help me learn how to navigate and address the more debilitating aspects of my avoidance and dissociation habits.

Seems like that might be a good question to ask your treatment team?

I’m wondering, how much of this...

That sounds very likely @Friday.

I've always tried to protect others and take care of them. I was groomed that way. Protecting others from my pain has been a long term engrained habit (of course, I haven't always succeeded at this but it doesn't stop me trying). It was survival to not bother "them" with my needs. I wonder if I'll be able to lower my defences enough to get in touch with stuff that broke me in pieces from a young age and deprived me of healthy boundaries and a sense of self, in front of these staff?

Time will tell.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @mumstheword. I think and feel that it's up to you... There are many reasons why it might help you and there are many reasons why it might not.
I believe your brain has protected you. And that can't be a bad thing. If the memories want to come they will.

Maybe just go to this programme and see what happens.... It's like a lot of things we think so much about something but when we are actually there... Doing it... It's different to how we thought about it.

Im really proud of you.. And I hope this treatment will really help you...

 

[Suzetig]

Whether you directly address specific experiences of rape or not, you'll be working on yourself and given the rape experience is part of you whatever you do will impact that part of you too. I don't know if that makes sense? Any work you do to enable you to be more present, more aware of yourself and your trauma responses will help across the board.

There's a school of thought that says sometimes we don't need to work on specific traumas individually but can have one trauma "represent" other bits of trauma so any work we do on one will support us in coping with the other. It may this impatient work gives you space to look at rape or the work you do means you don't feel the need to explore it any further, or it may build capacity that enables you to look at it further down the line. You won't know until you get there, and maybe not for some time after.

Try not to overthink, just go and do the work that feels right to you.