Cold and distant adult children

[Fadeaway]

It's ok, I would speak to your therapist about it.

 

[Gs172003]

I am just so sorry that she didnt know how to parent with unconditional love. We both missed out on each ot...

She's not capable. You're wanting something she can't do. Youre going to have to mourne that and let her go. If you two can develop a relationship outside of that now then great if not then you'll have to learn to be you without her.

Well I think what she believes is that parents should cook and clean for their kids as long as they need th...

Here's the thing. You're both wrong.
You're old enough to take care of yourself and she's not supposed to be " I've done this for you now you do this for me"
But honestly it sounds to me like you were raised that way.

 

[intothelight]

Just going to write from the perspective of a mom with adult children.

When they were infants, toddlers and young children, it was my job to see they were loved, fed, sheltered, clothed and kept safe. As they got older, it was my job to teach them, but to let them increase their own autonomy and experience life for themselves. They knew I was here, but they also knew that I wasn't going to hold them back. The older they got, the more I got out of their way and let them find who they were.

At this my role is more of mentor and friend. We enjoy each others company and they will seek an opinion and/or advise. I can share, but the choice to use what I share is entirely theirs as the results of their choices and decisions is entirely theirs. My job as a parent was to raise healthy, happy, independent adults. Now I can see what I did well and what I should have done differently, but I did my best at the time.

My own children owe me nothing, other than to be decent human beings and to be kind and respectful to me. They do not have a responsibility or obligation to care for me, unless it is out of love and a choice made freely, and not out of some guilty obligation. I made the choice to bring them into the world and they didn't make the choice to bring me into the world.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Just going to write from the perspective of a mom with adult children.

When they were infants, tod...

What if they can't bring themselves to be kind to you bc they hold grudges of mistakes you made with them in childhood...Mistakes that effect them daily now.

Mistakes that you don't think are a big deal

 

[Gs172003]

Mistakes that you don't think are a big deal

At some point you have to move on. How do you do that if she's still an issue now?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

At some point you have to move on. How do you do that if she's still an issue now?

It's not that easy to just move on.. Some of her mistakes have caused attachment issues which make it hard to get close to people and form relationship. One does not simply move on from that... The cost of what I've lost is too high.

 

[MyWillow]

It's not that easy to just move on.. Some of her mistakes have caused attachment issues which make it hard...

True. Very true. But I encourage you to raise thus with your T. Painful as hell but it is necessary. I'm walking that road right now.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

True. Very true. But I encourage you to raise thus with your T. Painful as hell but it is necessary. I...

Believe me I am. I'm seeing one specifically for attachment stuff. It's been a tough journey bc even holding down a relationship and trusting someone who is supposedly on my side has proven to be difficult. I've been seeing him for more than 6 months and I still spend quite a bit of time ironing out my trust issues with him so we can actually do the therapy work

And the more I go to therapy, the more I become aware of the extent of the damage making it extra difficult to be kind and loving towards my mom.

 

[intothelight]

What if they can't bring themselves to be kind to you bc they hold grudges of mistakes you made with them in childhood...Mistakes that effect them daily now.

That is where honesty, vulnerability, transparency, validation, etc. come into play in the course of conversation. I guess that hasn't been my experience with them and what they did to go above and beyond when I was treating for cancer speaks volumes of their character. No, our relationships are not without disagreements or differences of opinion, but all matters come from a place of love, trust and respect. This is true with my daughters.

My son has a substance abuse problem, and at this point until he learns to love and respect himself enough to deal with it, our relationship and that with his siblings is strained. No one is "no contact" but their is a concerted effort not to enable and its tough at times.

There is a lot of damage in this family from my first marriage and the abuse suffered at my ex's and their bio father's hand. However, it hasn't been swept under the rug and we don't "play" happy family. Issue have been addressed and will continue to be addressed as they arise. Not perfect by any means, but it gets better each time.

My mother was one of my main abusers, but I can't continue to blame her for my issues or my ex for my issues. What happened wasn't my choice, nor were the effects, but it is my choice in how I deal with them and to take responsibility for my own healing. So the issues I created with my own children are not to be carried into the future with their children as we are all committed to making it better in the here and the now.

Going forward while looking only backwards will make one trip and fall continuously. Glance back and take from the past what you want to keep and what you want to change. It doesn't mean a person doesn't find obstacle or things that make them trip and fall going forward, but looking towards where you want to go is a better way to navigate life.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

That is where honesty, vulnerability, transparency, validation, etc. come into play in the course o...

I think it's important to place blame where it belongs. I can take responsibility for healing and blame the person who hurt me simultaneously. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

[Gs172003]

It's not that easy to just move on.. Some of her mistakes have caused attachment issues which make it hard...

I know it's not easy. But it's necessary.

 

[scout86]

I think it's important to place blame where it belongs.

There's a difference between "responsibility" and "blame". Knowing where responsibility lies is useful and important. "Blame", on the other hand, just kind of keeps you stuck.

My mother had some issues too, as does my brother. Different from your situation, but not totally different. While my mother wasn't very good at that job, I think it's also true she was doing the best she knew how to do. My T really does think she had NPD, and maybe more issues than that. That wasn't my fault, but it also wasn't HER fault. It just WAS. Blaming her doesn't help me one bit. What helps is understanding the situation and figuring out where to go from there.