Cold and distant adult children

[Victory]

Wow! Talk about manipulation... And she's really good at it because she got what she wanted, for you to doubt yourself and feel bad.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Moo might be time for you to find a new Therapist..you are 30 years old.

Good luck with that..

 

[Deleted member 38906]

@Moo might be time for you to find a new Therapist..you are 30 years old.

Goo...

Why a new therapist?

 

[blackemerald1]

@Moo I am not going to explain why I think this, I reckon you ought to know...it's just a suggestion and I am bowing out of this thread..good luck..I really do mean that..

 

[Amethus]

@Fadeaway @Friday @MyWillow thanks for your insigh...

This sounds as if we are life story twins. But I have 3 years over you so I will share what I came up with ( the funny thing is at 30 is when I discovered this). Ok so. Parents are human. They have issues and back stories that we may never even know about. From 0 to 18 years by law they are required to provide essential life functions. Included in that is reasonable emotional support. After we become adults, a lot of people maintain a parenting role though it is certainly not required. In both of our cases as adults, our mothers, for whatever reason, don't feel the need to parent anymore. Now you have two options: build a new relationship based on who you two are now or get therapy for any past resentment you may have and nurture your other relationships while leaving your mother alone. The way I figured out the one option that worked for me was that I set time with my mother alone and tried to talk about starting a relationship as two adults. She was so angry in her interaction with me ( showing her true colors) that I thought to myself that I wouldn't let a friend talk to me that way. Why should I let my mother?

 

[Sideways]

My mom is a great person.. She shows that by helping take care of me... I wouldn't be able to do any chores without her and my T is trying to brainwash me against her. I don't trust him at all

There’s a lot of black & white thinking going on here.

Your mum? Has great qualities. But she’s human, and so she isn’t perfect.

You would have to make changes if you didn’t have her doing your chores, and that might be difficult andd painful. Probably the standards would change. But absolutely you can move your arms and legs to do chores yourself. And if you needed to? Probably you’d go better than you give yourself credit for.

Your T? Has an opinion. Of course he does. But someone trying to get you to think outaide the box? Or to see that all humans (including mum) are imperfect? Isn’t brainwashing.

Chill. When you overthink this stuff? It often seems to end in you catastrophising the situation and deciding to abandon therapy.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

@Moo I am not going to explain why I think this, I reckon you ought to know...i...

Catch me ouside, how bout dah?

 

[shimmerz]

I actually enjoy pushing her buttons sometimes for revenge for being brought up in this cult as u call it. Losing contact is hard bc I just feel so guilty (it physically effects me.. I lose sleep and my appetite?) especially bc my brother is always on her side and also shows his disappointment in me whenever he finds out I've upset her.

Honestly, if you were pushing my mother's buttons on purpose and I was your brother I would get on your case as well. Cmon, man, you are 30! You need to stop acting like an angry 12 year old. It sounds to me like you want the best of both worlds. Young enough to be catered to as a child yet old enough to screw with your mother. You need to decide which one you want to be and wear it. Do you want to be a man or a child?

have her cook and clean and take care of my physical needs just so I can feel a trickle of her love even though it feels conditional

Sounds like you are using her to full advantage. If you want to be independent (ie an adult) then you need to act like one and take on responsibilities yourself. Until you do that you have simply no idea how your mother feels. It sounds to me like you have no intention of allowing yourself to be responsible for yourself. That is a perpetual juvenile state. Do you want to be treated like an adult? Then look around and see what other adults do and do it. Until you take on your own responsibility I am not certain that you have any right judging.

How can she be one when she prepares dinners and when I ask her to do me a favor.. Pick up dry cleaning or smth she happily does it to make me happy. I don't know something doesn't really add up.

What doesn't add up is that you are literally screwing her up on purpose because you are angry and resentful yet you ask her to pick up your dry cleaning and accept her preparing your food. That doesn't add up. If you are that resentful and angry and have no intention of sorting that out then you have no right to ask her for a thing. Period.

 

[Gs172003]

Honestly, if you were pushing my mother's buttons on purpose and I was your brother I would get on you...

Frankly to me that sounds pretty darn manipulative.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Sounds like you are using her to full advantage

Damn right I have the right to ask her to do my chores when Im paying for rent and the rest of the bills. Least she can do when she choses not to work to contribute financially. IMHO :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Really confused.....if you are paying the rent and utilities, why can’t you move out and live on your own?

Something doesn’t make sense.

I’m not trying to be rude, but are you manipulating us in the same way that you manipulate the rest of the people in your life? I just see a repeating pattern in your threads, that’s all.

 

[Muttly]

My mom probably had a lot of similarities to your mom. There was no way I could have a healthy relationship while living with her. There was no way I could have a healthy relationship while maintaining close contact. I had to put a lot of distance, both physical and emotional, between us.

I agree with @Sideways that you do a black/white thinking. Your mom isn't all good or all bad. It's not all your fault or not your fault. There's all sorts of complexities. Instead of trying to figure that out, instead focus on what you can do and what you want to do. It sounds like, if you are being yourself, you don't please your mom. If that's the case, why stay entangled in a relationship where you constantly disappoint her? that's not good for either of you. If, you can't live on your own, right at this moment, you can start building the skills and plan so you would be able to move out.

Also, your T is not trying to brainwash you. You seem to revert to that thought pattern often. It seems like you do that when your thought patterns are challenged. Any good T is going to challenge your thought patterns. After all, that's why you are going. To learn how to have new, healthier ways of thinking and feeling.