Emdr feel childlike

[Overcoming]

Please help. It's freaking me out. I've done EMDR with another T and experienced the same thing. I just started EMDR with new T, who I have been seeing for a few months. She picked up in my ongoing PTSD symptoms and suggested working on the sexual abuse I'd experienced. I was an older teen when it occurred, but experienced emotional/mental/verbal abuse as a child and was parentified by a mother with a personality disorder. I have never felt maternal transference with this new T until we began EMDR and a horrible fear of her rejecting or abandoning me came flooding in. While in session, I felt a young childlike part of me come up and desperately wanted to be comforted and protected by a mother. I felt scared and panicked. I don't want these feelings toward her as

Please help. It's freaking me out. I've done EMDR with another T and experienced the same thing. I just...

I accidently posted the first part without finishing.

Relationships that have been maternal in nature have not gone well in my life. I don't want to f this up too

 

[Lamename01234]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I bet half a dozen people are going to write the best thing to do is to talk to your t about it. I have struggled with the same feelings but have not talked to my t about it yet. Just this week I emailed her about it for the first time after about a year of struggling with it and it also interfered with me doing emir. Through reading peoples experiences on here have helped me wrap my head around it. I dread friday but I doubt I will die.

 

[Justmehere]

Talk to your therapist about this. It’s common for it to come up and be scary to face. Naming it out loud can take a lot of the power out if it and help you both navigate it well.

 

[Overcoming]

I think what bothers me as well is that I feel like this childlike part has a lot of anger and wants to rage. I realize it is likely bc of how my mother tested me as a child and not feeling protected, but it also makes me so fearful of what could happen with T. Or, what if I bring it up and it makes the relationship weird?

 

[Justmehere]

Because of the nature of some of my trauma, transference has been a big issue for me to address in therapy. I walked in pissed at my therapist for reasons having nothing to do with her but the past.

Transference that isn’t talked about but is under the surface has greater potential to be weird and destructive to the relationship.

Transference that is talked about - most decent trauma therpaists can handle alright. You wouldn’t be the first or the last client to feel childlike and/or angry in therapy after doing EMDR. (My own therapist would see it as progress. It means we are really dealing with stuff.)

For me, working through transference has been some of the best work on therapy.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you @Justmehere. Transference has made me feel like there is something "off" about me for years. When I reflect on it, I have seen it happen time and time again, with teachers, coaches, and older friends. If I experience what feels like maternal affection, it is as though I internalize it like it was a huge sacrifice on the other person's part and feel unworthy of such positive treatment. I don't know if that makes sense. In the moment, when we were doing EMDR the other day, she asked what I was thinking/feeling, and what was really going through my mind was that I desperately felt like a child who wanted to curl up in a ball and be held and comforted. The truth is, if someone really acted on it, I would probably crap myself and not know how to handle the situation.

 

[Justmehere]

What you are writing makes a ton of sense to me, and transference has a ton of potential to pop up with others. Therapy is a unique place to be able to deal with it openly. And to resolve it.

that I desperately felt like a child who wanted to curl up in a ball and be held and comforted.

I’ve told my therapist about feeling the same thing. We talk it through.

Feeling unworthy of positive support from others is also quite common for trauma survivors to feel. My therapist and I laugh about how much she has to go slowly with the compliments so I don’t freak. It’s gotten a lot better though.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you @Justmehere, sometimes this battle can feel like an island, and I can feel disconnected from reality.
@Lamename01234 I wish you well in the conversation that you intend to have with your T and am praying that it goes well and they respond in a helpful way.

 

[Freida]

Totally normal - and yes, talk to you T. EMDR brings up some weird crap --- your T will help teach you how to understand it -- but only if you tell her it is happening! You have to be honest so she can help you realize that there is a reason you are feeling that way. Trying to ignore it just riles it up more. And yep - you may end up on the floor like a little kid. So? You wont be the first - you wont' be the last. Most Ts have seen it all. Once you tell her about your little wanting a tantrum she can work you thru what that will look like and how she will handle it BEFORE it happens. That will take some of that pressure off.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you @Freida
As a child I wasn't permitted to display negative emotions, so a tantrum was out of the question. My body literally has muscle spasms when I think about expressing negative emotions. EMDR or therapy in general sometimes triggers a lot of jerking muscles in my arms and legs.

 

[hithere]

The truth is, if someone really acted on it, I would probably crap myself and not know how to handle the situation.

Thank you so much for writing this. I just had such a horrible therapy session--feeling extremely abandoned and similar feelings. I cracked up when you said this. I would probably crap myself if someone actually did that too. Just the wording has helped propel me out these crazy feelings that are basically ruining my life right now.

 

[Overcoming]

@hithere I'm glad you could get some relief. Lol. ;)