Sufferer No one else i can talk to

[Angrylittlebird]

Have no one to talk to. My husband can’t take it. My children (young and grown ones) don’t need to hear it. Friends have their own problems and have an extremely hard time hearing it or understanding. When I can only sit and stare and feel raw, no one can understand why I just can’t put it behind me and move on. “It’s in the past. Let it stay there.”

They actually think I CAN. They, for some reason, can’t imagine that I actually have flashbacks. I LOOK okay. I have no PROOF of all that I suffered. So I must just be wanting attention... and so I don’t even mention it to anyone. So why WON’T I just stop being lazy and incompetent?! You see? I don’t mention it, then no one knows anything is wrong, therefore, nothing is wrong with me. I’m just lazy and incompetent. But if I attempt to mention it, no one wants to hear.

Basically, just do whatever keeps everyone else feeling comfortable and happy. Repeat abuse, much? What I am feeling doesn’t matter any more to anyone now than it did while I was a kid. Am I just a wimp? I get up and breathe every day. I take care of my husband and kids, and grandkids when I feel strong enough. I smile. I smile. All these years.

Do I ever get to just hurt and not feel guilty for having feelings? My going to the psychologist was distressing others. Lol. Really. The insurance co, hubby. Friends were afraid it would keep me thinking about it instead of moving on.

Can’t talk to my dad. He committed suicide. Can’t talk to mom, she tried several times and is on antidepressants. No one else knows or believes except the abusers.

I’m just trying to be the best mom and wife and friend that is possible for me to be. I just hate failing at those bare minimums because all I can manage to do much of the time is sit and stare and be raw and angry.

I had a flashback while being intimate with my hubby the other night. I didn’t let on, which was difficult, so as not to ruin his moment. He was put off that I didn’t “finish” and haven’t been interested since. We don’t need any additional troubles in that area so I never told him. I won’t. Result? He’s hurt anyway. But I know from experience he doesn’t want to know about it.

I know from personal experience that suicide is a hateful, selfish, rotten thing to do to those who love you. No matter how imperfectly they love you. So THAT’S out. Journaling. Exercise. Praying. I pray my way through every day. Sometimes through minute by minute. I know one day there will be an end to it, but each day right now is excruciating. Mainly because of my disappointments with myself.

I so WANT to move on and put everything behind me. Open to advice.

 

[Friday]

My going to the psychologist was distressing others. Lol. Really. The insurance co, hubby. Friends were afraid it would keep me thinking about it instead of moving on.

And yet, good therapy is exactly the thing that would help you to move on.

What I generally do is agree with people in such a way that they can see that we have exactly the same goals.

Yep. Totally valid concern. Which is why I’m seeing a trauma specialist, and using tier one level highly evidenced treatment modalities designed especially for people who’ve experienced severe trauma... EMDR, TF-CBT, CPT, DBT... and not just Jenny from the block who only wants to talk and weep and wail for the rest of forever at premium prices.

The bolded part is my short answer, the whole paragraph is my STFU answer. I almost always have 2 answers to the same repeat question, and sometimes 3. The first one said with a smile, the second one an information smack down with a little bit of snark added on. The third is a gossipy variation of the two that lets others get their vent on , while at the same time remaining completely solid in why this isn’t that.

It’s a pretty easy formula.

Oh yeah! (Agree)
Possible examples (more agreement)
Which is why _____ (this isn’t that)

^^^^
All of this is assuming that the person I’m talking to has any right to an opinion whatsoever. IE they care about me AND I’ve decided to loop them in on my life.

Their opinion isn’t my obligation.

I don’t have to inform them to begin with (so that they can form an opinion), nor once having decided to, (and they now think XYZ about ABC and in their opinion I should 123) am I in anyway obligated to follow their advice. That’s my choice. Always.

 

[littleoc]

Friends were afraid it would keep me thinking about it instead of moving on.

That's the exact opposite of true. PTSD is so much avoidance -- they are basically telling you that they can't handle it any more than you can.

I didn’t let on, which was difficult, so as not to ruin his moment.

What about you? If the roles were reversed, would you EVER do this to your husband?

I can see why you chose he username Angry. Of course you're angry! Anger comes out of hurt, injustice, knowing that your boundaries are being stomped on.

I'm glad you're here. I hope you are able to see that your life doesn't have to be this way. Your kids may enjoy having a suddenly powerful role model.

When I started making boundaries to not be stomped on, I got strong opposition from people who didn't want our dynamic to change. They either got over it or I ditched them as friends. Once the opposition is done and they see who you are, you will get the respect you deserve. :hug:

 

[Daydreamer]

Hi,
It is not fair that you have to pretend to be someone you're not. It's not fair that you have to hide your emotions and symptoms to not "disturb" people around you. You are not here to make people comfortable. You have the right to tell the truth about what happened to you, and you're not responsible if other people can't deal with it.
I can't say I know how you feel, but I can imagine how hard it must be to have so little support.
I guess joining the forum won't replace the "real life" support, but I hope it will give you some space to get real about your issues. There is a lot of people here who care.

Welcome to the forum, it's good to have you here. Having said that, I am sorry for what brought you here.

 

[ladee]

Welcome !! Here, you get to have your truth, without having to tiptoe around any of us.. we understand, and we are going to encourage you to get help !! We are going to listen, and try to share our own experience how we got from point A to point B... with out judgement.

It is going to be hard to do, to look up and tell your husband, I'm going to therapy... deal with it... or don't... and your friends and family, none of their business... they don't want to hear it??? Well, they don't get to hear about you getting help either.. what they don't know, they don't have an unsolicited opinion about...

Glad you found us.... talk till you can't. Vent, cry, be angry, and just tell us what is going on... you WILL be heard here.... and supported.

 

[LuckiLee]

It sounds like they need to be educated in PTSD. Get your husband some books and literature on the subject.

A good book is The PTSD relationship book.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Angry. My heart hurts for you. I understand. Your post could have been mine. That hurt that fills every inch of your insides and wants to explode out but has to be held back, makes one feel like the load can barely be carried anymore. But, the charade goes on and on and on. The pain goes on and on. The "other" world inside of you will not let you go. It threatens to dislodge anything that is good that is in the world. The deep sobs that can't be let loose...I get it. Been there most of my life, too. I'm in the grandma-stage too. I thought I was destined to "do" this for the rest of my life. But, my coping "skills" blew up, instantly, one day and I could no longer hide. Some in my social circle have their ideas of how I need to cope with the traumas. Those I feel a bit judged by. The rest have varying levels of acceptance. Even so, I try to carry this by myself. Well, I also have gone to a psychologist and have been in his care for around 9 months now. It is an unknown journey but it holds hope that there are tools to learn to cope with the childhood abuses. I hope you are still in therapy. And, if you are a person of faith, it is a must to hold onto the truths that you know to be true. I will say that I think that how we are seen by those we live with and around see us who we really are but our inner images and emotional distractions cause us to see ourselves in a less acceptable view. I want to be that person others see me as. I want to integrate my bruised and injured self with the one I live as. Are you still in therapy? If not, are you able to start again...this time finding a PTSD Trauma Specialist? There is hope for improvement. It is time for you to take care of yourself and find help to combat your PTSD. Stick around here, too. It is a good place to rest your weary self. We understand, we really do.

 

[shimmerz]

People who don't want to understand will not understand. Doesn't matter how many books you give them, they are in denial. They want to be in denial. You need a good therapist to help you navigate what is happening in the here and now (family life) before you deal with the trauma. That alone will be keeping you chronically unstable.

 

[Angrylittlebird]

Hi Angry. My heart hurts for you. I understand. Your post could have been mine. That hurt th...

I stopped therapy. My insurance did not want to keep covering. My psychologist actually said I am someone who would need to be in therapy for the rest of my life. My hubby was already put out by my going and insurance stopped covering it. What you said about keeping up the “charade”...SO true. I smile a lot. I don’t usually feel it, but when people ask if I’m okay I just want to die. One: they don’t really want a true answer, two: why ruin their day, they are at least trying to be helpful. Also, my therapist was really helping me, then at some point she changed. Or maybe I did, but I felt like she suddenly acted different. Almost like she didn’t believe me. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how I felt. If she didn’t, then what was the point in going?! That, and she seemed to be trying hard not to doze off while I was talking. Sometimes I know she didn’t even hear what I said. I really don’t want to start over again with another therapist. It was hard enough the first time. I don’t want to talk about what happened anyway. I just want to be able to FUNCTION like a real person, since being a hermit is just not an option.

People who don't want to understand will not understand. Doesn't matter how many books you give them,...

Your quote under your name...I wrote a poem that starts out’ My silence is screaming, can you hear it not? On the echos reverberating... not a whisper’.
And my husband will not read any book I could give him. If it’s not a Chilton’s manual he won’t think it is anything but stupid. He has his own issues. You’re right, he doesn’t want to be bothered with it.

 

[Angrylittlebird]

Hi,
It is not fair that you have to pretend to be someone you're not. It's not fair that you have to...

Thank you

It sounds like they need to be educated in PTSD. Get your husband some books and literature on the sub...

Thank you

 

[Still Standing]

I don’t usually feel it, but when people ask if I’m okay I just want to die.

Hi Angry, Being numb or putting so much effort into deflecting emotion is all consuming, all the while your heart is breaking for someone to come along side and help. I hated that struggle as you do too. And yes, I, too, will be in therapy for an extended amount of time. I am so old that I am probably working toward settling my brain down just in time to crawl into my casket. That is the thing with CPTSD it is more time intensive for therapy but improvement does come. It never goes away, though. Now, if therapy is not for you, are there any support groups in your area that you might take advantage of? Also, there are self-help books, if you are so inclined, that might help a little bit. You need a support system of some sort. IF you area able to continue with a therapist, it may be time to change. Change can be good and it sounds like you received what you could from your recent one. Time to move on. Even if you could go once a month, would be better than no support. If you are in the states and you are collecting Medicare, Medicare will pay for your counseling. Don't give up about seeing a therapist. You need the support. Also, has your hubby been included in your care in that he is educated about your disability? I am one to speak. I am just now trying to work up the courage to include mine with me. But, I know it needs to be done. I need his support and understanding otherwise I have no one to lean on when needed. You need someone to lean on too. If it is not him, do you have a friend who you would trust with including into your care? Again, I am so sorry that you have to walk this journey. BUT, you have found this forum. It is a good place to land. You can commiserate, support, encourage, be encouraged, learn and feel a level of compassion and understanding here. It helps to fill that gap when you need a safe place to express yourself. I am glad you are here.

 

[littleoc]

My psychologist actually said I am someone who would need to be in therapy for the rest of my life.

For what it's worth from a nonprofessional, this seems doubtful.

You deserve a life where people care about you. People are showing you empathy and caring about you and your situation here -- and random strangers on the Internet can't be the only people who will care.