Supporter In a new relationship with someone that has ptsd

[Josefine]

Hello everyone!

I know I am just one among many others but I just feel like I need to tell my story to someone. I am dating a guy that has PTSD. He is a wonderful person with a very good heart and I love him more than anything.

I have come to the point where I have stopped thinking about our relationship. What I want is for him to get better. I just want him to be ok. With or without me.

He was born into a war and has told me that he has been through several traumatic experiences as a child and teen. He is diagnosed with PTSD and he has had an addiction (that he doesnt have anymore).

It is going pretty well for him considering the circumstances. He has also migrated to another country. He now has a parttime job that he is able to handle but he doesnt handle much more than that. He comes home and goes to sleep or watches TV and that is it. I know that a lot of people are in way worst situations. I feel like he has gone through so much allready and this is like the last step. I know that he needs support, and structure and all of that. I feel so helpless though. I have a degree in social work so I theoretically know what he needs but it is so hard to reach him. I dont know how. He doesnt have anyone around. His parents live in another country, his brother is younger and he has a lot of responsabilities when it comes to taking care of his younger brother. He is getting a fulltime job soon. I know he will hardly make it. I dont want him to totally colapse.

He has one of his "bad periods" now. And is shutting everyone out, and basically that means me. I wish he would get help. I wish he would see a therapist. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can support him? He doesnt even talk to me about his problems. I know where it comes from but he has never talked about his feelings. How he feels, what triggers him. He hardly sees me anymore and that is ok. He told me that he needs time, and that I should give him time so that he can think about if he wants to be with me or not but I dont think anything is ever going to happen. He doesnt have the energy to have a relationship at this point and that is ok. But I feel like if I dont do something he will never get help. He thinks he can handle it himself and that he doesnt need help from anyone.

He has been at the total bottom when he got here. He was totally alone in a foreign country and he got though it but I dont want him to fall that far this time. I want him to be able to handle a little at a time and get through it a little bit at a time. I dont know how to approach him. I cant even see him. If I send him a text and ask him if he wants to see me, he says no. If I go to his place and ask him, he gets upset that I came there without calling. The point is not that I need to help him, I dont care who, but someone needs to help him and it feels like it is my responsability to do something. I know I am not supposed to think that way but I do. I need to do something otherwise he will fall. I am willing to do ANYTHING. What do I do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welocome to the forum... we have a great supporter section :)

It's hard to watch our loved ones suffer when we're powerless to help. We can't help, fix, or force them to get treatment. All we can do is offer support and be there for them. That's the rub.

Has he ever had any treatment for PTSD?

 

[Josefine]

Thank you for your support! I offer support often...maybe I should do it more often. How do you offer support for example? I say things like "I am here for you" "Do you need any help with anything?" he always says no.

I do not think he has ever been treated for PTSD. He has been treated for his addiction.

I have read a lot about CBT and EMDR. Does anyone have experiences with these treatments?

Thank you again for the support

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always try to keep normalcy and calm. My partner seems to do better when I am steady. I don't so much tell him I'm there for him because those conversations can drive him up a wall when he is symptomatic. I reassure him I'm there for him by always being there for him and being genuinely OK with him needing space as well. My actions speak louder than my words.

 

[littleoc]

Hello, and welcome :)

I'm sorry he's having such a hard time, and by extention, you. It's hard to get to someone who isn't ready, but I hope he -- and you -- get all the help you can here.

 

[Josefine]

Thank you so much for your support. It helps to just read treads and understand that people are going through the same thing you are.

 

[Josefine]

I always try to keep normalcy and calm. My partner seems to do better when I am steady. I don't so m...

You are right, that is a good way. But I have difficulties with that. When I give him space I just disappear (because we dont live together or anything). I dont know how to give him space and at the same time let him know I am there for him. Does anyone have any thoughts? I am open to criticism. I feel like I need help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes disappearing is just what they need. Some people need more contact. I'd talk to him about if he needs space and what "space" means to him. He may not need to isolate. Not all sufferers do. Some, however, use it as a coping method to "reset" when they're overly stressed.

I've been with my partner for years and although we stay together most of the time we purposely keep our own places so he has space when he needs it. So I totally understand the feeling that you're "abandoning" him in his time of need. I look at it as a loving act though. He needs the space to feel better and I love him enough to give it to him.

My particular sufferer wants total isolation. He doesn't leave the house or communicate with anybody. It usually only lasts a few days. He knows I understand that and I will leave him be without getting upset if he doesn't talk to me, etc. We've had that discussion though. He knows he is in control of contacting me when he wants to talk when he feels better.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

. I cant even see him. If I send him a text and ask him if he wants to see me, he says no. If I go to his place and ask him, he gets upset that I came there without calling.

It can trigger and overwhelm a sufferer, and lead to them to shut them down more, when a supporter pushes past a boundary. Instead, be respectful of his boundaries.

If he has had treatment for addiction, then he knows there are theraputic services out there. Try to take off the social worker hat with him. He doesn’t need you to be his social worker.

CBT and EMDR can be helpful, if someone is ready. Trauma therapy can also be destabilizing at first. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.

One of the best things you can do right now is respect the space he is establishing, and carry in with your own life and show that you can be ok. He already has the communication that you are there for him. He may need you to show that you can take care of you, even when you feel anxious about him.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I cannot handle the complexities of a romantic relationship at this time. Whatever reserves I have, I spend on my children. I have a few cherished friends that check in on me. They ask me to go to concerts and movies or just out to Panera for a small meal. My concert friend gets the tickets and I pay her back. They ask my advice and I know they know I am capable of having good days, but more important to me is that they don’t overstimulate me.
You run the risk of forming false cognitive distortions. You may feel bad that you can’t fix him or get him to therapy, but that in and of itself does not make you a bad friend. He simply may be in a major overload. Can you tell him about this support group?