Dealing with my father and scared to let my therapist in

[Justmehere]

For years, I have been able to talk about my abusive father, but I’ve not had any feelings about him or what I went through and still deal with because of him. (He is not in my life in any way.)

When I have spoken about him, I’ve been quite matter-of-fact, if I could say anything at all.

That’s all changed in the past few weeks.

My therapist and I have been talking about him and I’ve been angry, sad, anxious... generally a symptomatic mess. (Yay for progress in trauma therapy. Lol. Ugh.) Between sessions, I’ve been ok, well, ok enough... except I really want to push everyone away. I’ve been tolerating and the feeling and not acting on it....
But in therapy, I’m totally verbally and energetically pushing my therapist away.

Struggling to trust is one thing. I hold her at a distance from time to time. I am so slow at closes and trust...

But this? Actively pushing my therapist away isn’t my typical response to being triggered with her and it’s driving me nuts. (As for her? I don’t know why she is putting up with me, but I’m glad she is sticking it out.) My therapist says she’s never seen me like this.
She asked me to think about how I could bring her along and let her in... and I don’t know right now.

It’s not just her, but anytime I get near any feelings about my father, I start pushing away everyone close to me.

She asked me to commit to doing particular trauma therapy next time that we have done before, that somatically and relationally processes trauma. Normally, I’d be all in. But on this? If I’m pushing her away THIS MUCH now, jumping in deeper seems like a terrible idea.

I’m thinking of telling her that I’m not yet ready to do that, but that I’m committed to not pushing her away anymore. And that I really just don’t know what to do. It feels like a big step to try to get myself to say, ok, you are right, I’m pushing you away. I’m shit scared to stop. But I’m going to try to stop and sit with the fear.

What else can I do? What I’m doing now isn’t working.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

[Suzetig]

What does actively pushing her away look like in session? I ask because I think I’m in a similar place over a slightly different issue - so lots of pushback from me in session and my T holding a very firm space for me to “move”.

The progress or movement for me is happening naturally, in the middle of the fight, if you know what I mean - I wouldn’t personally do anything that speeded the process up because I’m just about keeping my symptoms in an ok place just now and don’t want to tip.

I know for me it’s about sitting in that space with all those uncomfortable feelings and waiting til my barrier drops enough to let her in again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I don’t speak of my father either. My current therapist went there briefly, but his motto is “first do no harm”. So even though I have much to examine and discover about my cognitive distortions that were created by his abuse, I’m not ready for that yet. When the pot boils over anything, I recoil from my therapist. I think maybe they are safe people so we push the envelope? I approach, then avoid. I think that’s a typical behavior of those with abuse histories. And safety is not something I ever fully feel. But I also think I am in denial about the extent of damage he did to me, and unconsciously ignore the whole mess. After all, he’s dead and reduced to ash. That’ll be some bag to unpack.
You’ve dipped your toes into the pool and you’re still standing. Give it a go. A leap of faith perhaps because you’ll depend on your t to contain you in a loving way. She sounds like she is confident, so perhaps the time has come to unlock the shackles and walk freely and awake. We’re here for you.

 

[Justmehere]

What does actively pushing her away look like in session?

It’s partly energetic. So hard to explain, but it’s like I back up without physically backing up. And I give off a big “go away” vibe.

I told her I don’t see a way through this and I asked her how I can jump in and not push her away... (which is different than thinking it’s hopeless, but I can totally see how it comes across as that way.)

She asked “what is the benefit in holding on to this being hopeless?”

Good question. Really, it is a good question. Negative self talk like this has a purpose. It doesn’t just keep me stuck, it keeps me from risking trust and enduring the pain of walking through crappy stuff. And part of me does feel like it’s hopeless.

But in the moment it pissed me off that she asked that question. I got mad with her and said “I don’t think it’s hopeless... Why would I be sitting in therapy if I thought that it was hopeless?!”

(...omg. Wtf. Justmehere... stop being crazy...)

She replied by telling me that she didn’t think I’d believe anything she said at that moment.

And she was really kinda right. I probably would have argued with her saying the sky is blue and I’d tell her it’s actually white and blue because if the clouds and the trauma is STILL my fault.

So yeah. I guess it looks like being a bit defensive? Argumentative? A pain in the ass?

Ugh.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I’m thinking of telling her that I’m not yet ready to do that, but that I’m committed to not pushing her away anymore. And that I really just don’t know what to do. It feels like a big step to try to get myself to say, ok, you are right, I’m pushing you away. I’m shit scared to stop. But I’m going to try to stop and sit with the fear.

Honestly, I think the above is a good plan. Since you know what actively pushing away looks like, I wonder what letting her in would look and feel like? Do you want to let her in but don’t know how? Could you test the waters; let her in a little and see how she responds, then ask her to back off? Think of a car...you’re in the driver’s seat, you can hit the brakes and set the boundaries.

Sitting with fear absolutely sucks, transference sucks! Do you know what you're afraid of? I’m currently sitting with a boat load of fear in therapy myself... Hugs if you want/need/accept them!

 

[Freida]

I push my T away all the time by intellectualizing and being defensive. It makes her nuts -- but she knows I have to analyze all facets of a topic before I can actually talk about it. Maybe that could be an option? Not so much jumping in on your past, but sitting with why you are so afraid to go there. Why does the topic bring up anger? Why does the topic bring up fear...What do you think will happen if you talk about it? (I use that one on every single thing we work on).
I sometimes have to figure out why I feel the way I do long before I tackle what caused the feeling --- if that makes sense??

 

[Suzetig]

It’s partly energetic. So hard to explain, but it’s like I back up without physically backing up. And I give off a big “go away” vibe.

Yep, I get it, I do exactly the same thing - my T will say something and then notice that I’ve immediately pushed it back, no words necessary. I know in our case she knows me well enough to read my body language, micro-expressions etc to a point where she practically knows what I’m thinking at times.

In my case, the reality is that sometimes I need the fight - the push and pull of letting her in and keeping her at arms length is very therapeutic for me because she stays with it. I need to know I can disagree, push back and still be accepted by her and I need our relationship to be pretty robust. I also know the part of me that we’re dealing with just now (part of my personality, I’m not DID), this belief, has been this way for a very long time and is fighting tooth and nail not to change because changing would mean accepting something that is very painful to me.

the trauma is STILL my fault.

And this is the very thing we go back and forth on all the time. On paper, in theory I can say my dad was abusive as all hell, in reality I know beyond knowing it was me. On paper I know I was groomed and abused, in reality I know it was all my fault (and it wasn’t even abusive, but let’s leave that one for another time :rolleyes: ). I’ve cried, argued, huffed, cried again and still she won’t bloody budge on this point - if she’d just say “yep, that was all your own doing” we’d be done, I’d never need to darken her door again, but she keeps on and on with this “you were a child, you had no choice, you were groomed into thinking it was you” stuff. I’ve picked up what she says, let it in a little bit then put it back down again quickly, because it really, truly hurts like hell.

So, in my case, I know the process I’m in the middle of but can’t get through it any quicker. I’m accepting that this stage of push back is as much part of the process as the more accepting, yielding parts and hanging in there. At this point me turning up and my T turning up and the two of us wrestling with this thing *is* me letting her in.

It’s not the first time my T would have said exactly the same thing yours did (usually while I sit there scowling like a huffy teenager), she’s totally up for it though and will unpick it all with me for as long as I need it.

Rather than being committed to letting your T in, maybe she could commit to being with you while you tussle with this - if you feel she’s already made that commitment it might be worth looking at the pushback in its own right, give it some space and figure out what the “fight” means to you? Or just accept that just now you need to hold “it” at arms length a little.

Part of my experience with my dad was never, ever being able to argue or disagree with him - it could literally be life threatening to not agree immediately with something he said no matter how ridiculous. I know that I need to have safe space the argue and fight, to basically learn that I don’t die if I don’t agree, so sometimes I know the pushback is just because I can.

Sorry, this has turned into a book - I hope some of it is helpful...

 

[Rumors]

@Justmehere I am in the same boat except with my mom right now. She passed away several years ago so discussing her has always been off topic for me. I usually changed the subject if she came up but since starting emdr I have had some other stuff come up that involves her deeply and now she is kind of in my face. I don't have any good advice but merely a suggestion that "might" help. Pick one story, instance, time frame, event that seems livable to discuss and throw it out there. When I started talking about my dad, I started with his alcoholism and then worked in to watching him beat my mom up. It was H.A.R.D. but now I can say it without feeling like my stomach is about to come out my nose. It felt like such a betrayal AND my MO was always it was my fault they were fighting. I have carried the blame my entire life. I'm tired. My hope that even if I discover it actually is my fault, which my therapist adamantly will never agree to, that I can find some peace with it bc I am just really tired. Shedding light onto history sometimes reveals we had less control than we thought which can make something even more scary bc control for us is like the breath it takes for us to survive. Bottom line, feeling in control of your story gives you power to feel like you are navigating things on your own terms but in reality it is feeding that unhealthy part of yourself. I can only tell you that as I have become less determined to stay in control, the more I have been able to shed the guilt, shame, and blame that goes along with my story. I have a good advocate in my therapist and feel like I can trust her. She provides me a safe place to look at things no matter how hard the circumstances. Pretty awesome feeling.
I hope this helps!! best wishes!

 

[Changing4Best]

Try writing in a private diary about it. Maybe you might even be up to showing it to her next session.