Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[dulcia]

Two things that helped me finally leave:

"Relationships are voluntary."
(I have every right to leave the relationship, purely because I don't want to be in it anymore. I do not need reason more than that, nor do I owe an explanation. That's how relationships work..... mind you, if there's been DV or anything similar, you definitely don't owe an explanation.)

"I am hurting both of us by staying."
(I tried to leave many times, most often after a physical incident, once when he accidentally showed me sexts from another girl, after lying about her being a friend for months. I wasn't good at enforcing boundaries or setting clear expectations. Obviously, I was letting myself be hurt by staying, but my mindset didn't change until I realized, my staying wasn't doing him any good either. I was simply reinforcing his bad behavior by staying. How is that going to do him any good in the long run?)

In regards to an "example plan", I posted in one of your other threads with some recommendations. Although I didn't realize you were the same poster when I started this comment, so I apologize if it's redundant. Sorry you're still going through this.

 

[dulcia]

Yup, looks like I've already given you this advice in the other thread LOL. Whoops.

 

[littleoc]

Yup, looks like I've already given you this advice in the other thread LOL. Whoops.

The more, the merrier, I say :) especially for something like this.

Now everyone's who's looking for help who stumbles on this thread will see that, too!

 

[courelly]

So I read through everything here and I picked up on a few things. You mentioned that you were di...

Thanks for helping me take some agency in regards to my response about the DV advocate. You're right, especially since it was my first visit there, I'm betting that she offered me the resources she could and passed the ball back to me. I need to admit to myself that I'm subconsciously expecting someone else to take the reins to get me out of my situation - friends, family, advocates - or even that they'd somehow say the magic words I need to hear in order to gain some resolve. It's good that I'm accessing my options, reading, and talking to people, but the only person who can make the right decision is me.

 

[courelly]

Yup, looks like I've already given you this advice in the other thread LOL. Whoops.

I say it all bears repeating, and thank you!

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for helping me take some agency in regards to my response about the DV advocate. You're right,...

It's really cool seeing you appreciate all the advice. You haven't gotten defensive once, from what I can tell. You agree with everyone about you needing to leave.

I hope you remember that you have so much support to leave, so it'll be fine to NOT agree with him about staying together forever. Stand up for yourself! You're too kind to be with someone like that.

 

[dulcia]

Have I mentioned the DV hotline to you, too? I called them when I was in the thick of my "how do I leave" back and forth. Sometimes it's hard for friends and family to hear about it, especially if/when they get frustrated with the back and forth. I literally called them once just because I was crying and scared that my ex would show up at my house again, but I didn't want to scare my parents calling them like that, and my friends weren't able to give me the support I needed in that moment. I didn't ever feel pressured to take any action when I called, and was given different kinds of information -- when I called crying (after I had already left but was scared), she gave me small, helpful tips like park backwards in your driveway for a quick getaway, have a code word you can text to someone close so they can call 911 on your behalf if he shows up again and you're scared to call 911 in front of him, etc. When I first called simply looking for advice I was given information regarding where in my town I could go to see about a protective order. But honestly, what I got most out of those calls was validation. Validation that I had every right to be scared, that I am doing the right thing reaching out, etc., and from a anonymous third-party that I wouldn't have to worry about disappointing if I got back with him.

 

[blackemerald1]

@courelly I am really worried that you are not safe. I understand how difficult this is for you and there are so many things to consider.

However this is a violent/abusive person you have here. Is all this discussion going to help if you leave it one day/minute too long?

I have a view on men who abuse women and therefore I am very biased about it. I just keep thinking and hoping you will get free before he senses you are about to leave again.

 

[courelly]

It's really cool seeing you appreciate all the advice. You haven't gotten defensive once, from what I...

To be fair, I got defensive with one person regarding what to do about my dogs. I love my dogs (and dogs in general) so much, and am very sensitive about that particular topic.

This forum has made me feel so supported in general. There's something to be said about having confirmation that I'm not exaggerating about the abuse, that nothing obligates me to stay and work on it with him (nor does it make me a bad person if I don't want to), and that I'm worthy of seeking a life that's guaranteed free of abuse.

 

[courelly]

@courelly I am really worried that you are not safe. I understand how difficult...

Maybe I have a false sense of security because he's never injured me? I've never had a bruise, cut, etc, it's all emotional scarring. I know he's laid hands on me (pushing, putting hands around neck), but I don't have a clear gauge of whether that leaves me at immediate risk for being physically harmed.

 

[desiderata310]

. I know he's laid hands on me (pushing, putting hands around neck), but I don't have a clear gauge of whether that leaves me at immediate risk for being physically harmed.

That qualifies as immediate risk since there is a history.

 

[blackemerald1]

@courelly I don't want to worry you but that is physical abuse, it's assault, it's wrong & it's far more likely than not that he will escalate the only thing he knows will make you stay when his word's stop working or he just snaps.

I'd suggest you are at immediate risk & agree with @desiderata310.

Please do not underestimate the risk you are presently in.

I have read the whole thread. Get those paper's you need & just go. Don't over analyse. You want to go, you need to go.

Sometimes (we) don't recognise danger till it becomes catastrophic.

I, speaking for myself here would really like to support you when you are free & safe.

You are neither of those right now. Red flag's are flying.

I could tell you my experience but it would echo yours & many, many other women's experience's.

I could go on but I truly hope you get up & go.