Don't want to exist but can't end it

[Tinyflame]

That wouldn't include adoption for a long time, seeing as I am -extremely- far from being ready for such responsibility, considering I pretty much can't even take care of myself.

I think it may wax and wane. This ^ is what, amongst other things, I meant by life is nearly always not idealic, those challenges would apply with birth chldren or adopted. So many people have trauma, challenges, fears, needs they can't meet, illnesses, disabilities, stress.

True, a lot of kids certainly take their lack of trauma and bad shit in their lives for granted. I've seen loads of that. You make a good point.

Just simply too adopted children have their own loss and trauma and need so much tenderness. They know how it feels to be alone +/or unwanted, or fear being less-than (one's 'own') children.

JMHO but I think every child deserves to feel " 'YOU' are the child I want. And were it not for this circumstance, I never would have met you ". So that is the enormous ~'blessing' in otherwise grief.

There are some things in our lives that we inevitably can't change. I can't un-traumatize myself

No, we can't that's true. We have to work with what we have or how we are.

But, you are free, and that can change much. :hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

But, you are free, and that can change much. :hug:

I felt so free when I first freed myself from my abuser. I feel like that's why I usually say "freed myself" instead of the numerous other terms I could use. At first I wanted to do everything ever, all at once.

Now, though, I do have all this freedom now, that I didn't have before. Thinking of that lack of it too much, just makes me want to cry. How did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen? Why didn't I leave? Why did I let him use me like he did? Then just the grief of having been denied so much. I was being denied things even on the most basic of levels. For some reason, thinking of the little things I was denied makes me hurt a lot.

Frequently, someone will be talking about some food item, or activity, or movie (virtually all visual media was forbidden), or genre, I could keep typing for ages, the list is practically endless - someone will mention something, or I will be exposed to some stimuli like seeing it in a store, and it triggers me, sometimes badly. I am not exaggerating when I say he was controlling practically every single aspect of my life, at least in some way, and often in major ways. There are -still- things I am purging from myself, that he put into my behavior, and there's a long way to go. One of the first things that went, was apologizing profusely for -everything- even the tiniest, most extremely worthless slight, that literally nobody sane cares about.

It's like I am still shaking off the mental chains in a way.

I have been having a hard time with enjoying the freedom that I now have. I have a hard time enjoying activities that I used to do, before all of this happened, which are things I missed out on for years. I started small, I got a food item I wasn't allowed to have, and while standing in the checkout line I was shaking, trying hard to hide it. I've done or had a lot of things since then that I missed out on, but I have kind of stalled out in doing that for a while. It was so extensive though, that by pure chance I wind up getting to do things I didn't get to do. I haven't really been seeking out those things intentionally so much, though. Sometimes it's actually a trigger, because even though it's something I liked, or loved, or whatever, now it reminds me of my abuse. I've started doing some things, only to have to stop because it was too triggering.

It is still nice to be free, this is a million times better than the idea of still being stuck in that, even if things get really difficult and painful at times.

 

[Freida]

How did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen? Why didn't I leave? Why did I let him use me like he did?

You didn't LET it happen. You've said yourself that his taking control over you was a slow process. He knew what he was doing and eventually forced you into a mindset where obeying saved your life. It was a horrible, horrible environment to be trapped in - but you survived. You will probably second guess yourself for a long time --- and when you do please remember..... You did what you had to to save your life. (that's my mantra -- you can use it too!)

It is still nice to be free, this is a million times better than the idea of still being stuck in that, even if things get really difficult and painful at times.

Do you realize how amazing it is that you got out? YOU got out. No fire breathing dragon or prince on a white horse rescued you. YOU did it. Do you know how much bravery that takes? Do you realize how many women die when they try to escape. Does it register yet that this was an escape? You rescued yourself from a horrible, horrible environment and are now fighting to reclaim your life. And that's hard. But YOU are the one who made it happen and the one who will have the strength to go forward to a better life. Things are a million times better and will continue to get better. Because YOU are so very, very brave

 

[Sweetleaf]

Do you realize how many women die when they try to escape.

I never really think about the fact that there are women who were in similar situations and didn't survive it. Maybe it's because it makes me have to confront the fact that I could have been one of them.

Do you realize how amazing it is that you got out? YOU got out. No fire breathing dragon or prince on a white horse rescued you. YOU did it.

I didn't have any help getting out of it, but I've never thought of it that way. I have such a hard time seeing myself as brave or feeling brave at all, I can admit that I got myself out of it, but I can't make myself feel like I was brave and believe it.

Does it register yet that this was an escape?

Not at all. I guess there are a lot of things about all this that still don't register.

It's kind of numbing to think about. I can talk about the death threats, the i-thought-i-was-about-to-die-and-very-easily-could moments, I can talk about his elaborate and frequent homicidal fantasies, I can talk about how I knew he wouldn't give a single f*ck about killing me because he was essentially in a perpetual state of being suicidal, or at least not caring about dying at all. I knew he could do any of this shit he talked about at any moment, and it was so hard to back him down from his homicidal/suicidal stuff.

But it still doesn't register that it was an escape. It didn't feel like an escape. I suppose the actual instant in which I walked away from him, leaving him for good, never to see him again until the restraining order hearing, it did feel like I was escaping, in fact I had a really hard time not running away through the hospital and out the door. I had to force myself hard to walk fast instead of run. That was so intense, when I hit the parking lot.

You did what you had to to save your life.

My therapist tells me this, and variations of it, pretty much every session. I tell myself those things all the time, but sometimes I have a very hard time thinking of them, remembering them, or believing in them. I did what I had to do. I did the best I could. Sometimes I need a reminder. I keep going over and over into self doubt.

Because YOU are so very, very brave

How do I get to the point where I can say this to myself?

 

[Sweetleaf]

As I feel the effects of the drugs wearing off, the dose increase which gave me intense, severe anxiety and panic, horrible insomnia, and which I'm still returning to normal from... I have begun to have a return of these feelings.

It's not at the intensity it was before, I am just afraid. I'm afraid they will return in full force. Was it just a fluke? A little temporary hiccup? Or am I about to dive back into depression and suicidal thought? Am I going to want to hurt myself again?

I just had a flash of those feelings, and it's scared me.

It scares me to look at the scratch marks that I gave myself in a week moment.

The drugs cranked up my anxiety so intensely, I could feel it in every part of my body, it was horrible, but it did remove my depressed and suicidal feelings, which really gave me a fresh perspective on them. I was in the shower, shaving my legs, and just looked at my thigh right in front of my face, and thought "why???? why was I hurting that badly? why did I do that? why did I have to do that to myself?" and it scared me that I'm capable of that.

I feel very guilty having done that, and I haven't really been admitting it to anyone. I don't want people to know that I had a moment like that, and gave in to it. I also don't ever want to do that again, or let it progress.

Really hard to post this right now.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I haven't talked with my therapist or pdoc or anyone about this. I'm afraid of what comes after telling them.

This is common, but it's essential you do tell them. Putting it the right way is also important. Any reasonable therapist is not going to force you into anything unless you are an imminent threat to your own safety, They have a required duty to act to protect you in such cases. It's common for the therapist to approach it with "whats the plan to keep you safe". Most T's will give you the chance to get help of your own accord such as going inpatient or PHP, and in some places a respite house or some other alternative (in my neck of the woods being checked on and talked with on a daily basis).

I am proof of what I just stated, because last week I dropped a huge bombshell on my new T that I had been having periods since last November where I had s/i (from an issue with my then current T), and revealed that over time I had developed a foolproof lethal plan that I had thought of doing on an anniversary when my worse abuse began. It's now on the T's radar, and she said to me, "ok, lets work on a plan to keep you safe during that time, maybe you seeing me daily during that time".

Honesty and openness when your feeling that way can get your respect and a sense you can be trusted to seek help if your going to self-harm.
Hiding it just gives everyone a sense that you can't be trusted with your own safety and that also is a key factor of the times a T has to act to protect you regardless of your approval or disapproval.

It's worth disclosing to your T.

 

[cupfish]

I am 100% with you. It's the hardest part of PTSD -- you don't want to live but you can't die.
Prayers, I have to be careful with minor self-harm when I'm down in the hole.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have to be careful with minor self-harm when I'm down in the hole.

I have a suggestion: Learn how to self-sabotage your opportunities when your in a dark place at times when your not in the dark place.

For instance: Just telling your T does this, but for me I do things like give my keys to someone so I can't go anywhere, keep meds in a lock box and give the key to someone, there are many things you can do to get in your own way of self-harming. For me if I self harm I have to go to ER or get help (where I have choices), if I don't then I get petitioned/involuntary, knowing this keeps me from self-harming, we set it up that way so I am trusted to follow the deal but if I don't then I won't be trusted anymore and from that point on I may be petitioned. It's enough to make me think twice when I feel the need to self harm. Basically this is one way my opportunities have been sabotaged ahead of time.