Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[scout86]

I know he's laid hands on me (pushing, putting hands around neck), but I don't have a clear gauge of whether that leaves me at immediate risk for being physically harmed.

Laying hands on you is more than enough. If he's willing to put his hands around your neck, it's not too far from choking you. And, if he doesn't stop, by the time you realize you've misjudged him it will be too late. And, maybe he's a person who doesn't actually want to hurt anyone and doesn't think it's ok. Even so, in the heat of the moment, stuff happens.

I'm going to stress the idea that any relationship worth being in is voluntary. If he actually loved you, he'd be as concerned about your happiness as his own, if not more so. The fact that this is actually about control just makes it dangerous it doesn't make it right.

My ex never laid a hand on me and I don't think he would have. (No guts) But, in my head, that was the line. I made a lot of excuses for not being happy in the relationship. Looking back on it, they were, in fact, excuses and not being happy was enough reason to leave. At least, considering he didn't care, it was enough.

It sounds like you've really decided that you need to leave, it's just a matter of doing it. To quote Yoda, "Try not. Do or do not, there is no try."

 

[dulcia]

When I talked to the DV hotline, they told me about the "red flags" they look for in DV relationships. These are some of the ones they pointed out in my relationship, that I think may also apply to you:

- mental illness (PTSD)
- history of strangulation (yes, even just put hands on neck)
- threats to harm you/them self/animals
- access to firearms (he's a gun owner)
- past history of abuse (hitting, pushing, pulling, biting, shoving, etc.)

Those were the red flags they pointed out to me. And almost every one fit my situation. Red flag in a DV relationship? That's like the worst of the worst, no matter if you've had a bone broken or a bruise or not.

 

[Sheila_a]

Maybe I have a false sense of security because he's never injured me? I've never had a bruise, cut, et...

Unfortunately we are living in a society, where emotional and psychological abuse is still underestimated. We think it's all not so bad, because we haven't been 'injured'. That way of thinking gives such people the power to play their mind-games, often remain undetected and to practice the 'art of slow motion-killing'. Many experts acknowledge, that emotional abuse is causing much more damage than 'traditional' physical assault.

Sadly, once we start recovery after we've left, often only then we realize, that the physical harm has already been done. PTSD IS associated with physical problems. I had heart problems for a while, physical pain in other organs. Not to mention the f*cked up brain! Where is the lack of bodily/physical harm here compared to bruises?

I'm positive you'll make it one day, when you really feel it is time. Don't give him too many hints! My best wishes are with you.

 

[Teasel]

Amen @Sheila_a

 

[mumstheword]

Unfortunately we are living in a society, where emotional and psychological abuse is still underestima...

I can totally relate to this! I was in such terrible nick when.I finally got out! I had to work really hard to repair what such long term stress without care and with so much abuse had done. I conquored some very long term physical pain and some symptoms that were leading to most-probably cancer outcomes, either intestinal, ovarian and also eradicated some skin cancers a few years later. (I couldn't get hospital care and was too ill to run around getting tests done but one health practitioner identified a shit tonne of things that were going wrong in my body, luckily I was brought up having to treat myself coz my mother wouldn't take me to doctors when
ill either. I had to take a lot of time off to repair myself though) .

Long term stress is one of the leading causes of fatal disease so don't underestimate the damage that he's doing, just because he isn't laying hands on you now, doesn't mean he isn't causing physical damage.

 

[Enaila]

Check if there is a women's coalition group in the area. Sometimes they are different than the domestic violence shelter. If not, go back to the domestic violence shelter and ask for an advocate. When I left my abusive situation, an advocate arranged for me to be put up at a hotel for two days, offered some food, and sat with me at court when I testified to get a protection order against my husband. My case was the first at the county where an order was issued due to emotional abuse due to his unpredictable behavior much as you described.

Get off the cycling rollercoaster of his emotional issues. It is a terrifying step, but worth it. My sons are now healthy happy adults and I'm safe. You deserve to be happy and safe.

I hadn't shared any of my problems with family or friends when I was being abused . I finally took a leap of faith with a past friend and she immediately came to assist me in getting my feet back under me. I also had a therapist who was there to lend encouragement. You can do it. Make sure you have reliable transportation if possible.

 

[courelly]

I want to thank everyone for their continued support, and for sharing their stories. I look through new comments every day, and I re-read comments too. I attend an in-person therapy group for women who are in my situation, or who have successfully left a situation like mine, and I checked in with them to tell them that I chickened out on leaving. They encouraged me to come back and continue facing things, continue hashing it out, so I'm going to do that. I know some of you have given the advice to just execute my safety plan and leave, and not think about it twice, and in my gut I know you're right. I'm back under the delusion of that peaceful period that occurs between these episodes, when they want you to forget how bad and scary things can be and are their best selves. We had a couple of sessions with the couple's counselor and I am already remembering why it's a bad idea (we've been this route once before, years ago). They cater to the couple, so both parties are expected to have some "accountability" and admit shortcomings, and that's what gets me back to believing that some of this is my fault. It was silly of me to think I had any agency over that choice. I guess I thought (against the best advice) that if I was very up front with a professional couple's counselor that it would eventually be helpful for me to walk away, but it's the opposite of that. It's making him look vulnerable, kind, and like he's fully in admission of what he's done, which I know could change as soon as tomorrow.

 

[Teasel]

Been wondering how you are,,nice to hear from you. I'm glad too you'e in a group with other women amd can continy to see them.
Oh and I had similar results with couples counselling too - think I read in Lundy Bancroft too how couples counselling is pretty terrible for abusive relationships.
I think it's terrible but there we are.
Hope you'll continue posting here if it's helpful to you too
Best :)

 

[courelly]

Been wondering how you are,,nice to hear from you. I'm glad too you'e in a group with other women amd...

Thank you Bearlinda, you've been so kind and supportive. I remember that about Lundy's book and I know it would have been smart of me to take that advice. There's a reason he says it!

 

[scout86]

I'm back under the delusion of that peaceful period that occurs between these episodes, when they want you to forget how bad and scary things can be and are their best selves.

There was a specific incident with my ex where that changed. I'm not sure why. He started into an unreasonable rant. I looked at him from across the room and I very clearly remember thinking "I'm not going down this road one more time." There was some stuff between there and getting out, but my attitude about second, third, and 20th chances changed right then.

In couple therapy, bring up your concerns about how he's putting on a show for the T, and anything else you've got. With the one we saw, we each saw her alone a time or two first. I used that chance to tell her exactly what I thought was going on. It's true that their goal, at least for some of them, is to keep people together, but the REAL goal ought to be to foster good and healthy relationships. And sometimes that's not an option. And a decent T ought to know that. They're aware of what a bad relationship is, they just need the evidence so they can deal with it. Don't hold back, express ALL of your concerns while you have the chance. (Assuming that's safe to do.)

 

[courelly]

There was a specific incident with my ex where that changed. I'm not sure why. He started into an unrea...

Having that moment of "that's enough" is what I've really wanted. I keep thinking I've experienced it, but I've actually had a lot of false starts.

The therapist has set up separate consults and wants to talk to me first, so I'm going to lay it all out on the table when I talk to her. When we started, I was clear that I feel I'm experiencing abuse and that I want to leave and have a chance at a safe life. She seemed to acknowledge my concerns and that I'm worried about feeling pressured or talked into staying.

 

[EveHarrington]

Having that moment of "that's enough" is what I've really wanted. I keep thinking I've experienced it,...

But what if you’re looking for something that may never happen? Many women never have that definitive moment where they’ve had enough. The pre-relationship you may have hit that moment years ago. The worn down you may never hit that point because it’s like a horse with a carrot, your “enough” moment is always worse than where you are. And not to be morbid, but eventually you’ll reach a point where your “enough” moment is your death. Then it’s game over.