Can anyone help me? anyone have a religion or church?

[Blue Survivor]

I was raised Roman Catholic. Our family went to church every Sunday and I hated it because even as a kid I was skeptical. Big man in the sky watching us all, all the time. Okay then...

As a teen going to public school, I had to also attend religious education two nights each week (per my parents) "so that I could make my confirmation and get married in a church," which I also hated because it A) interfered with my social life and B) if I did get married it definitely would not be in a church. As soon as I was old enough to move out of the house I did, and one of the reasons was that I was sick of being forced to attend a mass of something I didn't believe in.

Having suffered more than anyone's fair share of trauma, even if I had the slightest belief in God it would have been destroyed because what kind of god would let someone go through such trauma? No god that I'd want to know / believe in, that's for sure.

As an adult with PTSD: I hate going to any church or mass even if for a wedding or a funeral it actually gives me anxiety. It could be the amount of people in there or it could be years of participating in something I hated.

Side note - I read somewhere that people either have or do not have a 'god gene' and by that I don't mean that if you lack the gene then you don't believe in god or a higher power. I mean that if you have the 'god gene' then you enjoy rituals, have a strong sense of community, and enjoy singing - all which take place in most religious ceremonies.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I just saw the above, thank you @Blue Survivor - not sure if it's the case of 'singing' for me- :eek: lol- definitely not 'me', nor rituals proper, and 'community' is hard with ptsd/ myself, but a deep connection in my soul/ heart, maybe?

I do, or have lived so long- through so many things, I cannot call them all coincidences.

I believe in the prayer/ thought, 'I believe, help my disbelief'.

But even more so, ~'Please be/ remain with me. Help me get through this (day)'. My connection is less-so of needing answers (one day I might know better some of the questions-?), as help.

Just me though. :confused: :notworthy:
Thank you.

ETA. just for me- re, the 'questions'. suffering, I try to discriminate between what is 'evil' or caused by what is done wrongly by person(s), vs noticing what is the (sweet- just to me) touch of God, even during it. JMHThoughts though.(Don't know if that makes sense.)

 

[ladee]

Makes perfect sense @Junebug. you are not alone. Annoying as I can be at times... I'm with you. Walking with you. Being quite, but know I am there.

 

[Tinyflame]

And that means so much @ladee , thank you. :notworthy::inlove::hug::hug::hug:

I hope I can do the same, even in a small way. Though I am the annoying one. :rolleyes: Xoxox

 

[ladee]

Apparently you only annoy yourself... we love you just the way you are !!! Silly rabbit!!:inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

or have lived so long- through so many things, I cannot call them all coincidences.

I too do not believe in coincidences. In a former life I learned things were not so random as I once believed.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @ladee :laugh::rolleyes: . I suppose even bunnies ARE flight animals- I can describe how their 'bums' look like very well. :p
:hug::hug::hug::hug:

@blackemerald1 yes, there have been some things nothing could explain; once I was walking in a gale force wind (truly) between jobs at work, in total despair (but hiding it, of course) and a prayer to a Saint I never had heard of blew right to my feet- and stayed there. She is for hopeless causes, amongst other tthings. :O_o::notworthy: Etc. etc.

I have much I've thought of, but must hurry to go to work.

Perhaps this is not the place for it, but also saw this: apart from the reference to bullying/ Criteria A necessary of course, it rings home for me (experentially). Think she has PTSD and her H:

Understanding PTSD's Effects on Brain, Body, and Emotions | Janet Seahorn | TEDxCSU

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

ETA, I didn't want to bump this up, but rather remind myself to come back later to remember to add and complete above the thoughts and realizations I've discovered connected to this stuff and thread and what came out of it for me (albeit me-being-me like as many petals as there are on flowers! :rolleyes: :confused:, yikes :) ), and to thank everyone. :inlove::hug: Thank you- :):hug:.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I'll try not be be so long, and boring, but learned several things about myself:

-Triggers are insidious and can be everywhere. And the worst ones are the most obvious, yet not, so I think that's denial.
-Many things about churches proper trigger me. Part of why I was possibly drawn there at first (31 years ago), in some ways a re-enactment. A self-harm feeling. I no longer feel that. Being there is consoling- apart from the triggers. Apart from blaming something- anything- for my own internal pain, or struggles.
- @Ronin helped me to be assertive/ have a voice. More so than a voice- courage. The person at work, re SA stuff, has alternated between acting hurt, being angry, shunning, kissing my hand, trying to embarrass me, and lastly last night calling me a 'coward' as I left, because I refused to put myself in that position again. I felt good, and not overly bothered (unheard of). Someone else in my ear shot referred to them as a bully.
-Different person showed up, followed me by car, that I also got away from, yesterday at work. I had a quick, pleasant- but assertive- getaway. :wideeyed: :tup: . Thank you @ronn , so much. :hug::hug::hug::hug: That's been going on since last year.
-Realized those 2 stressors 'did me in' past several weeks. :(
-Realized I have been thinking and operating on the principle , "the 3 Drs years ago were all wrong. I cannot have ptsd". No. 'I refuse'.
Though I've had many Criterion A traumas. Though I relate to everything about it. Though it describes me, and my approach to (avoiding) life to a T. And it's taken a lot of soul searching to realize I can't say I don't treat or think of anyone differently but feel horror when confronted with the reality, dare I say, 'belong' or be "one of -not 'them', but 'the people' with it". :( (I'm so ashamed and so sorry. :( :cry: ). Despite finding belonging only here. And I have impacted not only on myself with denying it, but also others through my actions and denial. :(:cry::cry::cry: It has many times been my fault, the onus on me. :( It's not about not belonging- to a church or otherwise- but my own brain's attempts at solving and dodging the pain of my own internal environment. My own self. Denial is great except in the process it hurts others. :(
-I have been ungrateful, because I am unaware, of what I have or have been given. :(
-I believe the church environment I had already and many times had, allowed me to feel safe enough to 'feel'. But when I started to feel too much- address too much, be reminded of too much, it started to be something I must avoid. To some degree, God as well.
-My intrusive thoughts of trauma are probably more frequent because I do not think in images, though oddly visual flashbacks are virtual-reality re-runs.
- I also did not understand that SI is not only a measure of intolerable pain but, for me, also lack of love. For God, people, myself. Easy to not feel love or anything else when numb.
-We can trigger one another, when we've shared a trauma. The arguments are more often a response to being triggered, than the content itself.

I'm sure there's more but mostly I think I have impeded my own 'healing' if that's the word is because of denial and avoidance.

Not so much a question of caring about self-compassion, but denying everything entire. Avoidance avoidance avoidance, everywhere:. avoiding dentists or hairdressers- 'sure my neck is exposed, but I have no cavities (first it was no dental plan.., no time..), and, I give my hair away, and save money. Sure, everyone wants to run out of a church hearing a particular hymn- obviously they notice something's 'wrong' with it.. ', Walking 6 blocks extra to avoid a street- well walking is good for people, the Drs- that was a lifetime ago; the nightmares I ate the wrong thing, ate too late; the nightsweats it's a (35 year) skin infection; the SI it's being a coward; everyone self-medicates; everyone has SA and DV; the relative was dying anyway- don't make a Big Deal about- look at all the people for mercy killing; neglect was ingratitude, expecting attention; everyone suffers, get a backbone; almost everyone gets raped; sexual violence is your fault/ no voice; violence in general is just they're too stressed out, 'bad luck'"; etc etc etc. Get Over It. Minimizing, I suppose.The examples and explanations are endless and so knee jerk I almost believe them myself. Mostly I have believed them, actually. What is scary is the question to myself, "Don't they (all people think/ feel/ react this way)? No? Surely they do.. No? , But if I do, then why? " And I know the answer(s) why I do. And to some degree I know what I feel, 'why' I feel it. :(

Oye, so much for being brief. :( I'm sorry. :(

This thread went in a very different direction than I ever could have imagined. I thank everyone for their kindness to me, help given to me, and patience with me. :notworthy:

 

[littleoc]

Wow, you're doing a great job :)

 

[ladee]

You are so loved @Junebug, I pray one day that you really know that you are deeply cared about. You have been here for me since I first got here, and that matters, A LOT... :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@littleoc and @ladee that means so much, thank you. :notworthy: :hug::hug::hug:

Well I did remember what I never have, or some of it. I was/ am so ashamed of what I put my mom through, or could have. :( :cry: And recall after getting a diagnosis shortly after trying to finish myself off in earnest, never could understand 'why' I repeated it, or 'why' February. :( I thought I hid it from everyone well. and I did in most ways. But not my mom, as I found out more than a decade later. I know the original Dr was brilliant and very progressive, he also diagnosed 3 other family members whose conditions no other Dr could figure out (physical). But I always felt (terrible to say) I wish I could bury all of it, anyone's knowledge of that whole time (not that they remember or care). What a nightmare it was. I was not kept in the loop at that age and wonder if my life could have been different. But, I also just thought well I surely must be nuts then, and weird, or will cause others grief. :( I basically never went back to a Dr again, other than single instances (blood poisoning from an advanced infection, etc). I got sexually assaulted during it but I don't think that was the reason. I more so didn't feel 'entitled' to go to a Dr, plus avoidance.

Oddly a client's relative many years later filed SA charges against this Dr- :wideeyed: -?? Though I wouldn't have thought that, I don't recall any problems. I can't see him doing it, but I don't see her lying, Idk. I remembered 'spilling my guts to him', and crying- it was so horrible. I couldn't handle it. :( So many things about all of it were so mortifying. :(

I figure now I can only do the best I can, be grateful, go by what works if it seems to. My symptoms were most manageable keeping up such a pace I no longer can- excess work/ going out/ exercising (sports and dancing). But, strangely, my heart feels more- Idk- peaceful and softened-up, but too fragile for much use.

I hope one day I can find a peaceful existence.

Much much love and hugs to all. Xox :hug::hug::hug:

Ps, -rushing, for myself and all of us, thinking of dealing with that horrible shame, etc, I recall the words of my friend/ guide- ~'That was 30 (now35-ish) years ago, who cares! And no one else's business! You have to protect your heart'.

 

[littleoc]

I hope one day I can find a peaceful existence.

You can! In fact, I think you're about halfway there! <3