I hate vulnerability

[Suzetig]

It physically hurts. Right now, we are just talking about trying to go there with vulnerability and I feel so bad it physically hurts.

Yep, totally get this - it’s hard to explain how physically painful therapy can be. I remember my T asking me about a time when I’ve felt vulnerable and physically feeling sick at the thought of talking about it. We’re past that point now and I’m extremely vulnerable with her but extending that to my closest relationships is so difficult.

 

[Justmehere]

At our last session, we had to leave her office due to something unexpected and out of her control that happened in another office next door. Everything was fine, we just had to leave a bit. She was so apologetic.

We both handled it as best we could. We waited in the hallway. As we waited there, someone in the public, a total stranger, walked by and made some awful remarks at me about a characteristic about me. (I’m being vague because I don’t want to get into discussing the remarks themselves.)

We were both just sitting there. My therapist looked at me, I looked at the table next to us. I stayed silent and the person carried on with their rant as they walked down the hall. As soon as they were in the elevator my therapist said that was horrible and she felt angry. She said she just felt like she stepped into experiencing first hand what my life is like for me for a moment, and it was really hard.

It happens from time to time for me. I usually shrug it off.

But to have her sitting there and experiencing it with me... really tangibly with me...

It took a moment before I could speak. The shame of that happening. It’s one thing to deal with it alone, another when someone is there. It felt so much worse.

I told her that the moment she experienced is like no big deal reality for me. She said that it was super hard and kept reflecting back that she was angry people do that.

I am scared of being vulnerable because it could mean so much pain and hurt for me.

But letting her in could also mean heartache for her. I can’t manage it for her, not trying to do that, she’s one tough cookie, but that reality is a little bit a part of my resistance too.

I don’t want to be not enough and too much at the same time for her to handle.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Justmehere , exactly. Not sure what's more painful and worrisome, rejection of pain, or worry about the consequences of realities and pain co-shouldered. Both, I guess.

:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

But letting her in could also mean heartache for her. I can’t manage it for her, not trying to do that, she’s one tough cookie, but that reality is a little bit a part of my resistance too

Honestly? Your T can handle herself. She can take care of her own feelings even when she’s struggling, in a bad place personally or deeply touched by her client - she can handle it.

She witnessed your experience of the world first hand and it made her angry - anger sounds like an appropriate response to whatever she witnessed, and she was able to feel angry and speak about it in the moment. That’s healthy behaviour by any measure. You can’t stop her feeling stuff - we all feel stuff, but she has supports and strategies for taking care of herself. Don’t let looking after her stop you from doing the work.

 

[scout86]

So it's important, if possible, to be selective. 'In someone else's hands', really, whether that's physical or emotional or financial- whatever.

My T made that same point. We DID talk about the CD's, eventually. I just still can't see what the positive side of vulnerability is. He seems to think there is one, but didn't really try to explain it. His usual style is to keep approaching this stuff from an assortment of directions, until a light comes on for me. I'm thinking that's what he's doing with this.

But, seriously, IS there an up side to being vulnerable?

 

[Justmehere]

But, seriously, IS there an up side to being vulnerable?

When someone else is vulnerable with me, sometimes their needs get met, and the connection in the relationship grows deeper.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to take your word for that, for the time being, and hope that some day it actually makes a connection in my brain. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

@scout86 I think it's more honest and real, inherent to what vulnerability is, I think.. :confused:

 

[MrMoonlight]

My therapist wants me to show more vulnerable in regards to my protective nature . In that I don't allow anyone into my life. Some people got grandfathered in but I have yet to really allow anyone in since the arson. I have lived a really lonely cutoff life because of this. To me showing vulnerability doesn't mean allowing someone to physically hurt me but I think opening up and creating friendships or connections does create the possibility of being hurt. That is one aspect of vulnerability I've been closed to for a long time.

 

[Rumors]

@Justmehere I gave you that speech about being "all in" but today I clearly was not...lol. She wanted to talk about my mom, who is dead, and I bailed bc I was basically afraid I would cry and not be able to hold myself together. Also, feeling like I am betraying my mom's memory... so, I get it... hang in there!

 

[Stephernovas]

lol funny bc a few sessions ago I was also told I was resistant.

 

[Tinyflame]

My therapist gently confronted me on how much I resist vulnerability in therapy, and in life

I was thinking about this, even what vulnerability is exactly (sorry I can't quite recall Brene Brown), but I had it come on me, or I became it, a while back, without my consent. Idk if it was just the result of too tired, too many years of fighting, or denying. I at first felt like a cottonball in a field of stampeding buffalo :( , I still do, in the wrong crowd.

However, the upside I would say is that, just for me, it's more than being afraid to disclose or disclosing warts-and-all. The product of it, though it's fear-inducing, is an open-ness to others, a lack of desire to be phony, nothing much to gain from pretense. Less anger, more forgiveness, and what I always felt compelled to do, from my history anyway, which is to try to just say what I mean and mean what I say. And do it now because tomorrow is not promised.

Idk if I would 'chose' to be this way- yet paradoxically I prefer it. I guess for me it is also acceptance: that no matter how hard I work I can't engineer my own healing. So perhaps the best part is surrender, but gracefully. I think (hope) that also gives others the breathing room to be themselves, too.

I'm not sure that it always requires displays of emotion, tears for example, in so far as those moments can be vulnerable but transient. It sort of made my heart softer than it was, I think. But around-the-clock. A better listener. I still avoid, but more for safety than anything else. I have way more fun/ a better time, in the right crowd. It decreases some anxiety, but at first caused it because I always had to figure out 'a way' (to solve everything/ be strong, don't 'tell'). Now I'm no longer capable. I'm happy if someone else has ideas to try, and more accepting, because I can admit I can't do it. Which is hard.

The worst part really is only if/ when surrounded by people I need to defend myself from, or overly-assert myself with, or who are angry and direct it to me. But otherwise, it's - Idk the word- there's so much less to combat, internally, too. It's not all up to me, healing or 'life'. I didn't have a choice but- it's ok.

JMHO though. And I suppose it might be annoying to others that I'm this way too, or they think I'm stupid. Idk.