Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[scout86]

Think of your decision like a door. Once you close it, you think "forward" not back. Look for the next door, into the next part of your life. You've thought your decision through. You aren't missing anything. Time to stop second guessing yourself and move ahead. (Surround yourself with people who will support your decision. It helps.)

 

[Whirlwind]

he fact that I've gotten my brother involved means I'm very serious about doing this. Any advice you can give me on how to act/what to do between now and Monday would be great. If my partner gets out of line during that time, I will not hesitate to go to a hotel or call the cops. I've already packed mostly everything I need to leave while he was still at his therapy appointment.

Excellent!!!

For now....distract yourself, its hard and intense. GOOD about your brother...soon you can lean on him/family and they LOVE you. Move towards that!

I carried a small paper in my pocket....key words which meant something to me only. Reminders of the awful things I had lost, my basic liberties.

My note said "laugh". That reminded me how I am not allowed to laugh out loud in the evenings. One of his many rules.

Write somethings...inspirational, or reminders of reality. Read the support here over and over...you know the truth in your gut.

Trust it. Your instincts are sound and guiding you to your life, protecting you. Trust it.

The rest of the strength will come.

Think of your decision like a door. Once you close it, you think "forward" not back. Look for the next door, into the next part of your life. You've thought your decision through. You aren't missing anything. Time to stop second guessing yourself and move ahead.

Great advice.

Its just a few steps and its over. Walk..run but just GO.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

Excellent!!!

For now....distract yourself, its hard and intense. GOOD about your brother...soon you...

Oh, this is good about the notes. When you wrote that you weren't allowed to laugh loud in the evenings, I thought, "Wow, I don't have anything similarly extreme" - but then I thought about it more and I do!! My phone has to be on silent past work hours or else he gets very upset. Can't even be on vibrate. I wouldn't say he instated an official rule, but he did make it very clear how angry it makes him to hear people attempt to contact me past a certain hour. I have lots of examples like that. He once demanded that I throw out all three of my school yearbooks and "digitize" them because he went through a phase he thought everything should be digitized. I absolutely love collecting books (it's one of my very few hobbies), and I've widdled down my collection to two small boxes of books in response to tantrums over how pointless my collection was.

Whenever I'm feeling sad or missing him, I should really write all this stuff down. I'm sure the list would be long.

 

[Happyplace76]

Oh, this is good about the notes. When you wrote that you weren't allowed to laugh loud in the evening...

Control is not love. You CAN do this, trust me you'll actually feel some relief right away, it'll be scary as hell, but it's just the first step. Just take that first step - and that's out the door. TRUST me, it's the first few steps that are the hardest but it gets easier. Every day gets easier. Please be safe. Have a safety plan in place. Inform a few trusted people of your plans. Have a safety word that you can text to someone if things escalate, which they probably will. Trust me, he is not going to change. It's part of his makeup. Worry about the getting over him afterwards - there will be plenty of time for that. Right now it's just about getting away. Put all your focus on that and try to stay strong mentally. You're so close. You can do this. This is the biggest act of self love that you'll ever make. I've done it without family support, so have a lot of women but you have family. Loving family that want to see you safe.

 

[courelly]

Thanks for all your messages everyone. I don't even have the words to express how much they're helping.

Today's a really hard day. He got prescribed Lexapro yesterday, so he's gone from threatening and bargaining, to being cool as a cucumber today. I'm a blubbering mess, and next to him I look like the unhinged one. This is also historically the period of time before I attempt to leave that he hooks me back in because he makes some huge action to exhibit his seriousness about "getting better" - he gets a therapist, he gets a hypnotherapy, he buckles down on applying for jobs. I've done this enough cycles now that I know it's always a temporary fix, and once he realizes I'm back to being committed and vulnerable with him, he's back to using me as his emotional punching bag.

My brother is still on track to come Monday, and I know he won't cancel the trip. There's a reason I asked him for his help this time instead of anyone else. I just need to get through the next few days.

 

[Teasel]

SO rooting for you :inlove:

 

[Happyplace76]

Thanks for all your messages everyone. I don't even have the words to express how much they're helping...

Lexapro doesn't typically work that fast. One dose doesn't usually have that much of an effect. Just something that might help you - because the man I just left used/or made up that he had bipolar. One night he said that he kept thinking about killing or cutting himself - it honestly made me stay because he had told me that his psychiatrist had said (per him, which he was a pathological lier and it's a trait of sociopathy) that he shouldn't be left alone. It was a manipulating technique he had used - this is what my trauma therapist at the women's center told me. Mental illness still isn't an excuse for abuse. Still doesn't make it ok. Lots of people have mental illness, some severe and they don't abuse others so keep that in mind to keep your mind strong. I can't tell you what to do but leaving asap is the best thing to do to protect yourself. Both mentally and physically. The mental thing they do is like a vortex of crazy that keeps you there. It's just a way for them to get you to stay. Stay strong!! Lots of hugs! You can do this!

 

[Whirlwind]

Courelly....and you ARE getting through these days!

Another day down!

Antidepressants do not work that fast. He knows the “routine” and he is playing what has worked. Truth is....damaged as he is do you want to waste years to see if he gets better,,,,knowing the odds are so low?

You have a life to live... your own. What helped drive my own decision to run....realizing i may be infirm due to age,,,and the idea of him taking care of me was horrifying. I imagined myself even older.....and so isolated alone and stuck with him hovering over me,,,,an angry mean man.

Turns my stomach even know. When I was ill he was so cruel.

You realized earlier he had “done”things like I described my husbands rules....he never told me I couldn’t do something...it was quieter but oh so real. If I laughed, he didn’t speak to me for days....hobbies? Mine tried to get me to sell mine...in all the years we were married,,,,he has never looked at my photo albums....or my hobby collection.... it if I try to volunteer, do the things that made me “me” he blocked, interfered...etc.

They strip what is YOU and just want what they need.

In all honesty....I was an actor on the stage that was my husbands life.....just a figure fillling a role he created. To be honest I sincerely believe he doesn’t know me nor like me particularly. I spent all those years trying to “fit” something that was a figment in his mind.

Sad. But I am free.

You are going to be so happy......you know deep down and your fears...we all have/had them and they are so small in the big picture.

Almost there! You can do it. I know you can.

Whirlwind

 

[littleoc]

Antidepressants don't make shit into gold :) People on them must still change their ways to get better. And that takes a long time, and you don't love him anyway. (Guilt is not love. I think you already said that though. Someone did.)

You're almost there!

 

[mumstheword]

Mine sabotaged me learning to drive. I was a sixteen year old homeless girl when he snagged me, he was 34.
Very manipulative.
I still haven't got my license because it's just been a struggle to keep my mind and life since I left him.
I stayed a very long time and it nearly killed me.

Make that list if you feel yourself wavering, perhaps?

We are all behind you, your cheering squad.

You are so close to the finish line, the safety of the shore, the home run, we are rooting for you to make it.

It is like medicine for those of us (me, at least) that stayed so long it made us very, very ill, so knowing you have a shorter recovery time coz you got out earlier is good for me. I know too well how it destroys us from the inside as our bodies struggle with the constant high stress of it all.

I now have the most caring, divine man in my life and I had 7 children and was 37 when I finally got out; so in the same way, this is the beginning of a new free life for you, not an ending, except the end of tyranny, for you.

We are all here, waiting with bated breath for your safe extraction from this shituation. Go Courelly, go!

 

[courelly]

Lexapro doesn't typically work that fast. One dose doesn't usually have that much of an effect....

Thanks for this context, as I have no knowledge on the effects of Lexapro or how long it takes to work properly. I'm also thinking about a good friend who left an abusive relationship years ago, and her partner had his worst fits of rage even on anti-anxiety medication.

When your ex-partner manipulated you into believing he was so depressed that he'd self harm, did you feel a lot of guilt? How did you cope with that part of leaving, and of knowing that it was out of your hands if he truly wanted to do something like that?

 

[LuckiLee]

If he threatens to hurt himself? Leave. And call the police to do a safety check. Hopefully with your brother there he won't pull any of that crap.

Cheering you on from afar!!