He says I'm villainizing him and that he's working so hard on it in therapy, but continues to say "we both" have so much to work on
The saying 'It takes to to tango' is NOT true when it comes to narcs
Mine used both of these tactics and I bought it hook line and sinker. I had a previous LTR and we never fought, never had an ugly moment. That was always nibbling at me...if I was "such a bad communicator" how had I gone over 10yrs with someone else? That perspective may have saved me today.
It is gaslighting pure and simple. My only question today is how much is thought out vs instinctive. I told my exH way too much...in the early years he wanted me to "share everything" oh boy...and I did!
An interesting observation when I served him with divorce....his behavior changed in many ways and I "saw" the man I had married!! The attentive guy who "want to know me" who asked me questions.....
No wonder I fell for it! He was very accomplished and highly educated, I assumed in life that meant he was stable...I mean someone couldn't be "off their rocker" and that successful right?
Early on he was very generous and right after we married he turned on me....I still have a crystalline moment in my head. I had left my career, moved to be with him and we were having a glass of wine and out of the blue his face went rock hard and he got MEAN.
I was floored. I remember feeling a flush come over me and like the room just became....still and slow. I stood up, grabbed my purse and keys and all I could think was I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
And then I realized...where would I GO? I had no where to go....I had just left my CAREER permanently.
Ha, those were the days where I still had a car. He took that shortly after, moved all of our $ into his accounts and held it over me from that point on. If I ever leave I will be penniless.
When I prepared for the divorce lawyer......I put all of it in the docs and what he had done. It was chilling in black and white and very clear. He did all of this under threat just 3 months after we married.
We never went to the judge with all of this...it was true, I had proof and he was petrified it would become public record.
It still chills me now. He finally admitted it, trapping me financially and getting me to leave my career for an imaginary one he promised me. That and his shocking behavior change to Mr. Charming when I was divorcing him.
They are predators. I do not believe everything they do is premeditated...some is instinctive but just shows how difficult change would be and likely impossible. Bundy made a point in his book...it may just be "too late" ..... even IF they were the tiny percentage to try and change....do you really want to give more YEARS of your life waiting on something that will most likely never happen?
On a last note...my exH always played the "good guy" and did this self pity thing. Then I found a website that defined his behaviors and explained them. It was a bucket of cold water shocker for me. I think we are not allowed to post links so I will PM it to you. It might be worth looking at.
The fog is lifting from your world....keep it up!
Whirlwind
