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Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

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I'm so glad, you've someone one your side in real life now, too!

but continues to say "we both" have so much to work on in order to achieve peaceful communication. I'm willing to accept that I could be wrong (maybe that's the problem), but I don't believe this is something we both have to work on.
He obviously knows, where your weak spots are and this seems to hit hard. I heard the same thing for years. Whether it's just a tactic or they really believe this to be true: The saying 'It takes to to tango' is NOT true when it comes to narcs and ps. At least not with regard to being responsible for the problems once the relationship has started!

But there might be some truth in the saying in a more all-encompassing way. Today I believe, that I felt that attraction to them (yes, I had more than one) for a reason that had to do with an absence of trust in my own abilities.

You've received so many great replies from other members here, so I want to keep this short. Just a last word about the hoovering: Please, take it serious and try to plan ahead. If you could go somewhere, where he cannot reach you, that would help. Change your phone number, email, etc. At least for a couple of months. Ever wanted to go an a sabbatical...? ;-)
Sending you a big hug, girl!
 
He says I'm villainizing him and that he's working so hard on it in therapy, but continues to say "we both" have so much to work on

The saying 'It takes to to tango' is NOT true when it comes to narcs

Mine used both of these tactics and I bought it hook line and sinker. I had a previous LTR and we never fought, never had an ugly moment. That was always nibbling at me...if I was "such a bad communicator" how had I gone over 10yrs with someone else? That perspective may have saved me today.

It is gaslighting pure and simple. My only question today is how much is thought out vs instinctive. I told my exH way too much...in the early years he wanted me to "share everything" oh boy...and I did!

An interesting observation when I served him with divorce....his behavior changed in many ways and I "saw" the man I had married!! The attentive guy who "want to know me" who asked me questions.....

No wonder I fell for it! He was very accomplished and highly educated, I assumed in life that meant he was stable...I mean someone couldn't be "off their rocker" and that successful right?

Early on he was very generous and right after we married he turned on me....I still have a crystalline moment in my head. I had left my career, moved to be with him and we were having a glass of wine and out of the blue his face went rock hard and he got MEAN.

I was floored. I remember feeling a flush come over me and like the room just became....still and slow. I stood up, grabbed my purse and keys and all I could think was I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

And then I realized...where would I GO? I had no where to go....I had just left my CAREER permanently.

Ha, those were the days where I still had a car. He took that shortly after, moved all of our $ into his accounts and held it over me from that point on. If I ever leave I will be penniless.

When I prepared for the divorce lawyer......I put all of it in the docs and what he had done. It was chilling in black and white and very clear. He did all of this under threat just 3 months after we married.

We never went to the judge with all of this...it was true, I had proof and he was petrified it would become public record.

It still chills me now. He finally admitted it, trapping me financially and getting me to leave my career for an imaginary one he promised me. That and his shocking behavior change to Mr. Charming when I was divorcing him.

They are predators. I do not believe everything they do is premeditated...some is instinctive but just shows how difficult change would be and likely impossible. Bundy made a point in his book...it may just be "too late" ..... even IF they were the tiny percentage to try and change....do you really want to give more YEARS of your life waiting on something that will most likely never happen?

On a last note...my exH always played the "good guy" and did this self pity thing. Then I found a website that defined his behaviors and explained them. It was a bucket of cold water shocker for me. I think we are not allowed to post links so I will PM it to you. It might be worth looking at.

The fog is lifting from your world....keep it up!

Whirlwind
 
I think she might be talking about "out of the fog" ? And no, I think links are taken down because they can lose validity over time, that's what happened to me, anyway..

My narcy ex was incredibly manipulative. 21 years of horrible abuse and entrapment! But then, I was a homeless teen when he got me, an abused child, perfectly groomed to be further abused and manipulated. They can appear so awesome at the start and then they find out what's important to us and where we are most vulnerable and then exploit that in very skilled, psychologically astute ways.

The pity plot is a good one to use on compassionate individuals (I won't say women, because abusers are not gendered and neither are victims). Money, children, pets; all used to corral us into submission, children was the main one for me and I had no one and no where to turn.

Once I left, yes, he did turn on the niceness again, but after that long, I had finally learned to not trust that.

Be careful @courelly , these manipulators are incredibly skilled at exploiting our vulnerabilities.

We are here, to support you and encourage you and rally for you and root for your empowerment and freedom. Sending you strength for this very challenging extraction process, this is no small feat that you are gearing up for!
 
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Hi all,

Here it is...fyi I found all of this rather disturbing and had to read in doses as it hit too close to home :-(

Please keep in mind, not all abusers/jerks are narcs so don't scare yourself! It isn't a "win" to have a narc in your life and not being a "narc" doesn't lessen the impact of an abuser. My therapists told me they are rare but real and I think when you read this if you have one you will know. I fought long and hard to avoid this realization but also my husband had a long history stemming back to childhood etc. Identifying him only meant I could garner specific advice on how to manage him and that it crystallized that his "condition" cannot be cured and he is unable hold onto any self realization. Narc site and Sam V. spoke of narc and it was like they saw into his brain and behaviors. Yuck.

https://narcsite.com

Also very good

https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin

For classic abusive behavior and a kind approach to extricating yourself I read all of Lundy's books

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

On a more positive note....Grannon struck me as a bit of a goof...but listening to him he is witty and refreshing and has helpful things to say. He lifted my spirits more than once.

https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH

I hope this helps someone and please take care.

Best, Whirlwind
 
I think she might be talking about "out of the fog" ? And no, I think links are taken down because...
Thank you. I know the end is getting closer and closer. I told myself that my absolute last date to leave is the end of my lease, and I've been so anxious, nervous, nauseous. I wake up in a panic, and I can't act normal around him anymore. I feel like I just want to be out and done, but that I have to go through motions. I'm so scared.
 
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