Supporter Fiancée with ptsd

[tarjei]

Hi, everyone, my fiancée has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having PTSD (he didn't specify whether CPTSD or regular PTSD, but I think the former fits better). She suffered multiple traumatic experiences in childhood and has problems likely arising from that, from serious social difficulties (has made no friends in our town though we've lived here for a couple of years now), sometimes finding it hard to concentrate, anxiety, and sleeping problems. She was prescribed anti-anxiety/antidepressant meds but is afraid to take them (was also prescribed sleeping pills and is taking those) and has decided she doesn't want to continue to see the psychiatrist (I'm also not crazy about him as he prescribed them without asking about her medical history at all). I've sugested she see a therapist (talking to the psychiatrist clearly helped, in spite of everything) and she's thinking about it. So, I'm here for tips, support, suggestions, etc. I guess my main concerns are:

-How do I best support her going through this? I worry about striking the right balance between encouraging her to get help and being too pushy.
-How do I help her be more social? I'm an introvert myself but her degree of isolation is extreme.
-I worry about handling my ILs - both parents failed her in different ways (and we've agreed that any child of ours cannot be left in the unsupervised care of my MIL, for example, because of how she failed my fiancée) and her entire family seems pretty dysfunctional. My fiancée was heavily parentified as a teen - not a good combo when she was already dealing with trauma, and there were some messed up "family servant" dynamics. When it came to responsiilities, she was treated as an adult, when it came to autonomy she was treated like a child. On the other hand I don't have anything against her sister and I don't want her even more isolated unnecessarily.

Thanks!

 

[Virtues]

My best advice is set clear boundaries and adhere to them but avoid setting ultimatums. Be prepared for a roller coaster as this doesn't get better over night, and even in therapy it has seemed like months have gone by where my recovery plateaued and I waited for the next break through. You have to feel her out; each individual is different. There is a fine line between holding your partner accountable and being pushy. If you push too much she will clam up; if you don't push enough you risk the same. You have to find her sweet spot and keep her challenged but not be overly aggressive. And please realize she will have bad days, weeks, maybe even a month where she seems to regress. This is normal; it's all part of the process. If you want to be good for her don't get discouraged when this happens. Instead come to the forum and take your frustration out here. I know this post was kind of vague; I wish there were a black and white answer. Welcome to the forum.

 

[littleoc]

I'm so glad you found this site!

Welcome :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome!

We have a great supporter section here, so you are not alone. There is a huge learning curve when it comes to all of this. None of us know what we're doing at first... and just when we think we have it figured out we get a new curve ball thrown at us. There is a lot of trial and error, research, and questions.

Great places to start - the stress cup model and the supporter video series. They're geared for supporters dealing with combat vets, but don't let that put you off, because PTSD is PTSD at the end of the day. They are very helpful! Link Removed The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

My advice is to not try to fix her. Do not play therapist. Leave this up to the professionals. If you try to fix her, chances are you will just make things worse. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, with professional help.

She may fall into the CPTSD category, but if you’re in the USA, she couldn’t have received anything but a PTSD diagnosis as CPTSD isn’t officially recognized here.

 

[tarjei]

Thanks for the welcome, everyone!

@Florian7051: Yes, unfortunately it's been a rollercoaster.

@Sweetpea76: I'll look at those resources, thanks.

@Dead Link Removed: We're not in the US, but I hadn't considered that CPTSD might not be officially recognized here, thanks. And you're right, I shouldn't try to fix her, though as she's very reluctant to get professional help it's a bit of a catch-22.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

And you're right, I shouldn't try to fix her, though as she's very reluctant to get professional help it's a bit of a catch-22.

Still "fixing" someone doesn't work. I found that I got help when I was damned well ready. It took being in the worst place ever before I decided I needed to see a therapist.

Each time I hit a stressor after everything was going along "fine" (still have PTSD but not in crisis mode) in my life, I run into the same problem. I resist going back to therapy. I want to go it on my own even though I know it doesn't help me. It's just the nature of my beast called PTSD.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Virtues]

I want to go it on my own even though I know it doesn't help me

In my OP I'm not insinuating in any way shape or form that @tarjei should play therapist, but I beg to differ with the idea that having an accountability partner is not helpful. My wife doesn't perform therapy, but she damn well makes sure I'm going and working on my recovery. She doesn't let me lay back and regress because I want to. If she did this I would never get better and I'd probably be on this forum for the next 15 years complaining about the same symptoms not improving. There IS something to be said about a partner who will hold you accountable in your recovery, someone who will push you to get better, someone who will support and encourage you, someone who will not let you slip backwards because it's the easy thing to do. It's a lot of work being that kind of supporter and it's frustrating because it's a balancing game, and I'm sure there are times my wife wants to give up and just walk away from it all.

I've never wanted to leave my wife for my sake (only for hers) but I'm sure there are people out there that have just gotten fed up with it all and wanted to walk away from it and just be in a hole by themselves. But this game isn't about surviving PTSD it's about thriving with PTSD. You can either wallow in self misery for years on end and do nothing to change your situation, push away those that care for you, and then complain because life sucks, or you can change your situation. Like anything the hardest part is getting started. Once the ball is moving things seem to start to fall into place. I can't tell you "HOW" to make this happen for you @tarjei, all I can say is when the "WANT TO", the desire, is there to change the "HOW" will fall into place.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@Florian7051 ,
My husband and I have been married for 33 years this September. I'm glad I never, ever had to be accountable to him for my therapy. My father did enough controlling, threats, mind controlling, and brainwashing as it was. I didn't need that from the man I married. For me, I didn't need pushing and shoving. I've gone when I'm ready. At times, I pushed myself too hard in therapy. I'm finally not doing that any more. Everyone is different and it truly depends on the type of abuse and/or trauma that you've been through which caused the PTSD.

My father, my main perpetrator, was adept at programming which involved the mind, body, and soul. As well he was a pedophile, a torturer, and a serial killer. When he said jump I jumped. Control by others is one thing I had to break free from as I healed.

 

[Virtues]

it truly depends on the type of abuse and/or trauma that you've been through which caused the PTSD

This is a very profound statement. I say this all the time in my vet group. People think just because we all have combat trauma, we're going to have the same triggers (not true). One guy I go to group with was blown up and trapped in his HMMWV (he gets claustrophobic) when I was engaged by the enemy it was in the middle of the desert and they used micro-terrain for cover and concealment (I don't like wide open spaces, and feel more secure when I'm fortified in my house). 2 guys, same "TYPE" of trauma, 2 totally different reactions to normal situations. I totally understand what you're saying here; that is a valid point, and should be taken into consideration.

 

[tarjei]

Thanks for your input, everyone. To clarify a little, I realize I can't and shouldn't play therapist. My fiancée's reluctance to go to therapy seems to be mainly related to fears it could go wrong or make her worse. I realize these fears are not groundless, but her sessions with the psychiatrist definitely helped (as she didn't take the meds it was talking part). I won't give out ultimatums or otherwise try to control her choices, but I will try to coax her a little to try therapy in some form. Perhaps a relevant issue here is that there are probably mutiple causes for her PTSD, the main one being CSA, though she also spent much of her childhood under the same roof as a raging alcoholic, and was heavily parentified from a young age*. Being present when a natural disaster struck (though thankfuly nobody she knows personally was hurt) was what set off the bout of anxiety and insomnia that ultimately led to her seeing a psychiatrist.

*My gut feeling is that this has led to a lot of bottling up of emotions, of having to be "the rock"

 

[Justmehere]

I won't give out ultimatums or otherwise try to control her choices, but I will try to coax her a little to try therapy in some form

Try normalizing therapy and needing help to learn skills to manage. Everyone needs support sometimes in one way or another.

In terms of problematic behaviors, try boundaries. You already recognize you can't control her, and ultimatums will backfire, but boundaries help both the supporter and sufferer last long haul a lot better than they would otherwise. Boundaries are about controlling what you do, limits on what you can and can't do, and being real with your own limits.