Relationship Ptsd and going quiet

[Pippi427]

Hi friends. I joined today, but have been reading some threads for a few weeks. Namely this one:
Isolation What Do I Do Now?

Thank you for all your inputs to help me understand my new boyfriend's behavior. I never understood that going silent for days/weeks/months at a time was a thing. The first time he did it was horrible...he lost his job and dropped off the face of the earth to me for 2 months. I was so heartbroken I could not move on. He finally timidly came back to me after noticing I had not blocked him on social media. I understand some of PTSD having been in an abusive relationship, but not Combat PTSD.

It's gotten bad again. He's going through his divorce for 7 months now. (We've dated for 4 months) We have times where we get crazy close, then he'll have nightmares or his ex will take a lot of money from him and shut himself up for a week. One time he even blocked me on his phone. When he gets really bad, I don't push him or get frantic about trying to get a hold of him.

We came to an understanding the last time he did this. One where I finally understood the benefit or really FUNCTION of his behavior. And one where he realizes how many days before I start going insane with worry. He even told his mom I'm worried about him. (Wow, maybe I really do matter??) Then he said something that broke my heart:
"You're the only one who isn't shitty to me when I'm quiet."

Suddenly, it was put into perspective to me. This is not fun for him; it's necessary. He does not do this to insult me or abandon me. Sometimes, usually when something crappy happens and I need someone to listen, I get frustrated with him, but never angry or insulting. He feels horrible when I tell him I am in agony then I feel guilty for making a hard time worse. I try to remain at about one or two positive messages per day hoping desperately I am not annoying him wanting only to show him love.

I just hope I'm doing this right. He seems to receptive to my encouragement and care most days, but on the days he's struggling with bills or his divorce there is absolutely nothing I can do. What more can I do for him?

 

[Gs172003]

I will never understand why people put up with this in the beginning of a relationship.

It may not get better. He just went through a divorce AND you say he has PTSD. If he's not in treatment ( and even if he is ) do you really want to do this over and over and over?

 

[Pippi427]

I will never understand why people put up with this in the beginning of a relationship.

It may not g...

Hi Zoogal. I certainly didn't plan on this and I would say I'm trying to understand this instead of put up with it. It sounds like your advice is to ask myself if I can be OK with this circle because it may not end ever?

 

[Gs172003]

Hi Zoogal. I certainly didn't plan on this and I would say I'm trying to understand this instead of p...

That's exactly what I'm asking

 

[Pippi427]

From what I've seen I can deal with this as long as I am understanding the problem. I do not take it (self-isolation) personally and we are otherwise well-matched. I am a self-supporting girl without kids, so I pretty much go do my own thing whenever I want. I don't let his issues stop me from caring for me. He's managed to isolate himself so well that he talks mainly to his mom and best friend who live out of state, and me. (I am local to him.) So far the good has outweighed the bad.

 

[shimmerz]

I think a lot of this kind of PTSD behaviour is about shame. Been there, done that. And I have to admit that the last guy who dealt with me literally would run with me. Erased the shame and built trust and rapport. He put up with it by showing me that he was with me all the way. It changed our relationship. It showed me I no longer had to run and isolate myself. I believe that Zoogal is right -- that it is a risk. But I also believe that - given his statement to you that he recognizes that he can trust you to be a certain way when he feels the need to vacate - and may very well be able to change that behaviour.

In the meanwhile, for your own protection, it may be prudent to reserve yourself some. There are many supporters with shattered hearts on this board. Nobody wants to see that happen to anybody.

 

[Gs172003]

Read through the supporter threads and see if that is what you want for your life. Really.

 

[LilyRose]

I get why he does this. I do it too, but when someone reaches out to me, i do respond so they don't go crazy worrying about me. I just don't/can't talk to or be around people sometimes.

 

[Tracee]

I will never understand why people put up with this in the beginning of a relationship.

It may not g...

They do it because they have no clue at first, I imagine. By the time they realize it, they are already knee deep.

 

[Pippi427]

True. It's not like this stuff is on their dating profile. L and I talk about this issue and his health and progress intimately. I also see a therapist twice a month and keep check on my mental well-being. We are taking things slowly. I was really just trying to get a perspective on this behavior and did not expect to be discouraged.

 

[shimmerz]

i do respond so they don't go crazy worrying about me.

Yes. I do this too. I feel like this could be a boundary she can put around this. I wonder sometimes if this is something that people do because they literally can't reach out at all or if it was part of the deal of the relationship. It could become a 'meeting in the middle' thing.

 

[EveHarrington]

Read through the supporter threads and see if that is what you want for your life. Really.

Maybe we should ask the same of your husband? I say this to get your attention as I doubt you realize you’re totally projecting your bad relationship circumstances in the OP as I read everything here, but the OP doesn’t know that. You’re being completely discouraging. I actually see a supporter who is handling things well given the circumstances, has an independent life, takes care of herself, and just wants to know what she can do better. No relationship is perfect from the beginning. And those that are? RUN LIKE HELL! (It’s not real.)

Maybe it IS better to be REAL from early on and not in that la la infatuation stage forever. At least you know what you’re dealing with.

I’m not trying to be rude, but it doesn’t help to tell every supporter here in a new relationship to run for the hills. NOBODY in a problemless relationship comes to this forum for help. Telling every supporter to abandon sufferers who have symptoms is beyond cruel as you’re saying that symptomatic sufferers only deserve to be alone.