Relationship Ptsd and going quiet

[Pippi427]

Yes. I do this too. I feel like this could be a boundary she can put around this. I wonder sometime...

Yes! We started discussing a boundary of 4 days. I am absolutely clear to him I do not take this personally and I will only check on his well-being when he needs to isolate. I know he is not taking part in any destructive behavior like drugs or other vices. Thank you for helping me talk through this. It helps keep some helpful tools in my toolbox.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe we should ask the same of your husband? I say this to get your attention as I doubt you rea...

I wasn't with my husband a few months and then start disappearing.
It's unrealistic to think that this will get better on it's own. It won't.

I think a lot of this kind of PTSD behaviour is about shame. Been there, done that. And I have to ad...

Absolutely agreed.

 

[shimmerz]

I am absolutely clear to him I do not take this personally and I will only check on his well-being when he needs to isolate.

That is a great idea Pippi. The thing is that the shame goes away when there becomes a connection of sorts. If you don't take it personally, then he doesn't need to throw shame in the mix! Congratulations to both you AND your partner for being able to come to a middle ground on this.

 

[Pippi427]

Another thing my therapist has me do it periodically check to make sure his actions match his words. They do. He may not be doing something I like, but he's doing what he says he will do. That helps maintain trust even if I am not happy with the way he copes. My coping mechanism is roller derby. That's not for everyone either.

 

[Gs172003]

Another thing my therapist has me do it periodically check to make sure his actions match his words....

Trust is incredibly important. I'm so glad yo have that . Roller derby is cool too :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I wasn't with my husband a few months and then start disappearing.
It's unrealistic to think that thi...

You totally miss my point. It’s a shame you’re down on all these supporters who are in less than perfect relationships.

 

[Pippi427]

Trust is incredibly important. I'm so glad yo have that . Roller derby is cool too :)

Roller Derby has taught me how to build a lot of mental strength. Most importantly, always get back up.

 

[Freida]

Hubby and I have a rules that if I isolate in the house he leaves me a!one and if I need to be bitchy I go to another room. And if I isolate away from the house I have to check in each day and let him know I'm ok.

Isolation is not something I want to do...it's something I have to do. It's just part of what makes me...me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't have expectations. They just need to be set ahead of time and not in the heat of the moment

 

[Pippi427]

Four days of Isolation and he resumed contact as we discussed. I feel a sense of trust when my boundaries are honored. He has been honest with me once again. He's not doing well at all. Sleeping for days and not eating properly. He also turned down paid work this week and went silent on the professor we work with. (See, it's not personal.) This time I did the job just with my dog, Brownie. I always told him if there was something he couldn't shoulder I would take it up to the best of my ability. I need to have my actions match my words even though his clinical symptoms worry me. I really want him to get back in to see his Psych.

 

[Freida]

You are doing a great job as a supporter -- give yourself some huge kudos for that. Before coming here it never dawned on me, as a sufferer, that my supporters even noticed when I lost my mind. Seriously. It's been one of the best things I've learned here. And it makes me sad for all the times they saw (ok see) me falling apart and worried and I didn't care. Don't get me wrong - I still don't care that they are stressed out when I isolate - but at least I'm aware of it so I'm counting it as a win! :)

Your guy will need help getting through this - so hopefully he will get back in to his T. If he chooses not to -- well that's a story for a different time.

 

[Pippi427]

Thank you for the kudos. That means a lot. When L is more communicative (like the past 24 hours) he remembers to thank me as well. I am lucky he was a well-educated officer with good communication skills. I have worked on taking the personal (my) feelings out of his coping mechanism. It has been very hard, but being the busy girl I am, it does allow me to focus on my own health. I know in my past relationships, focusing on myself was forbidden, so I can also draw thanks from being able to do something good for myself. It's so important to take care of yourself as a supporter. Perspective helps. You can't stay mired in the sufferer's mindset.

When L and I are able to talk (which is most of the time) I remind him that I respect his need to process in his own space. I send him little messages about ever other day to let him know I am well, so he doesn't feel bad about taking care of himself. I keep a diary about my feelings, and sometimes I work on my Star Wars coloring book. He loves Star Wars, so it's like making little pieces of art for him. He's got a lot of medical issue, too. It's like he never gets a break. He wants help and does receive help with his psychological issues, but we have to work on them in sort of round robin fashion with his other issues. He's currently 90% disabled. I couldn't imagine him trying to do this all alone, although he tries to.

 

[anon1234]

Thank you for the kudos. That means a lot. When L is more communicative (like the past 24 hours) he remembers to thank me as well. I am lucky he was a well-educated officer with good communication skills. I have worked on taking the personal (my) feelings out of his coping mechanism. It has been very hard, but being the busy girl I am, it does allow me to focus on my own health. I know in my past relationships, focusing on myself was forbidden, so I can also draw thanks from being able to do something good for myself. It's so important to take care of yourself as a supporter. Perspective helps. You can't stay mired in the sufferer's mindset.

You have such a good perspective on this. I will you both well.