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Gs172003
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How do i be more caring/nicer to my husband
- Post starter Gs172003
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ms spock
VIP Member
There is a lot of stuff out there on Self Compassion. Sometimes to be nicer to other people we need to learn to be nicer to ourselves. But I don't know where you are in your healing process, so I am not even able to make an educated guess about what to suggest.
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- #27
Gs172003
Diamond Member
I'm not being decent to my husband again as evidenced by my last post. I tend to post while I'm triggered/stressed/upset and not calm down first and it's unfair to him. I alot of times won't remember to ground. What can I do to stop this? He is a good man and I don't treat him as such.
Justmehere
Sponsor
Have you considered or done DBT therapy? It strikes me that your stress cup is overflowing and learning more skills to tolerate and reduce distress may then give you more room to work on this issue. There are also sections on interpersonal relationships that I think would help you significantly.
In many DBT groups, they also use a diary card to track how often skills are being used. It can be a good way to finally use skills instead of continue down the cycle of react react react and feeling miserable.
In many DBT groups, they also use a diary card to track how often skills are being used. It can be a good way to finally use skills instead of continue down the cycle of react react react and feeling miserable.
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- #29
Gs172003
Diamond Member
No I haven't. Ill look into it. Thanks.
blackemerald1
VIP Member
If you can see this in your behaviour, you can help yourself to behave better. It is only when we cannot see our own behaviour and acknowledge it that we cannot improve or alter it. So for me you are halfway there.
You have been peaking with stress for a while now and something will spill over into and onto those closest to you. You sound tired and frustrated. My only advice when you find you cannot regulate is walk away. Just walk away and breathe. Disengage from the argument and possibly tell him that you will come back to it when you are feeling calmer. Tell him if it is getting too intense. If he knows what you are feeling when you cannot keep grounded then he might be able to back off too.
Tell him that you love him. Tell him he is a good and decent man. Tell him you are struggling. Don't expect him to read your mind or moods.
Does he go to therapy with you?
Seriously? I’d stop posting about him in a forum where you know he could come across it. I’d feel my husband was being incredibly manipulative if he posted stuff about our relationship here (he’s not a member and to my knowledge never comes here). There’s something that feels deeply disloyal about posting about your issues in your relationship with your husband after encouraging him to join the forum.
Sit down and have a conversation with him, have lots of conversations with him, go to couples therapy, have fun together but stop acting out your relationship issues where random people on the internet can (and will) comment on him and you and your relationship. Nothing good can come of that. That, in my view, would be the single most decent thing you could do for him and you.
Sit down and have a conversation with him, have lots of conversations with him, go to couples therapy, have fun together but stop acting out your relationship issues where random people on the internet can (and will) comment on him and you and your relationship. Nothing good can come of that. That, in my view, would be the single most decent thing you could do for him and you.
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barefoot
Diamond Member
I have to agree with @Suzetig ^^^^^
If you want to be "nicer" towards him, stop saying not very nice things about him here when you know he is a member and that he may therefore come across it.
I'm not making any judgments about who is "right" or 'wrong" out of the pair of you. Or whether he is nice or not nice. Or whether or not you are justified in feeling frustrated with him. Or whatever.
What I'm meaning is (and I know I wrote this on your other thread, so apologies for repeating myself!), whatever is going on in your relationship/dynamic, I strongly feel that you will both be much, much better off having these conversations yourselves (in private or with a couple's therapist) than with playing these things out on a public forum and asking strangers what they think when your husband can come along and see what you're writing about him.
If my partner joined here and I saw her posting things about me and what a nightmare I am and how I'm really annoying her at the moment and how she doesn't know if I'm a good person or not and why won't I ever do anything on my own or make a decision about something etc etc...and she then asks random strangers what they think and then I see all these people wading in to give their view on me and what my partner could do about me – and all this is happening with my partner knowing full well that I too am a member here and I can see all this (mainly negative) stuff she's saying about me...I'm pretty certain I'd feel furious, hurt, betrayed, let down...and I would be so baffled as to why she has chosen to take that action, air my/our dirty laundry in public and involve internet strangers in my life/our relationship when I am right there in real life to talk to! It would be harmful to our relationship – it wouldn't help to fix or improve anything.
Yes, plenty of people write about relationship stuff here – share examples of things going on, ask for advice and insight etc. But the huge difference to my mind is that the people they're writing about aren't going to stumble across it and be able to identify themselves (or their partner) in the posts. I don't see how doing that can ultimately do your relationship with your husband any good at all.
I don't think it matters that your intention in encouraging him to join was to for him to understand PTSD better and to get some support himself (ie not to read your posts). Or that you don't think he comes here very often. Or that you don't think he reads your posts often. He knows your username here so knows "who you are" here. Everything you write here is accessible to him. Anything you write about him here he can immediately identify it as being about him. And actually, you don't necessarily know how often he does actually come here or how much of you he is actually reading. You might think it's very little. It could be a whole lot more than you're assuming/than he's telling you.
I guess the other thing that comes to mind with your question about how to be nicer and more caring towards him....have you actually asked him how he would like you to do this? Has he pointed out things that he thinks are not nice/unkind/uncaring? If so, have you asked him what would have made him feel more cared for instead?
I don't mean to sound rude but I actually don't think the question of how to be nicer to someone in this context is rocket science. As someone else has already said in this thread, if you can identify that you are not being very nice/caring towards him, you must have an awareness of what you're doing that isn't very nice/kind/caring and you therefore have the awareness and ability to flip things around and do something differently.
You are, of course, free to write about anyone/anything you like here – just as we all are (well, within the policies/rules of the site!)
But you surely cannot expect that writing negative things about your husband when he can read them is going to improve things between the two of you?
If you want to be "nicer" towards him, stop saying not very nice things about him here when you know he is a member and that he may therefore come across it.
I'm not making any judgments about who is "right" or 'wrong" out of the pair of you. Or whether he is nice or not nice. Or whether or not you are justified in feeling frustrated with him. Or whatever.
What I'm meaning is (and I know I wrote this on your other thread, so apologies for repeating myself!), whatever is going on in your relationship/dynamic, I strongly feel that you will both be much, much better off having these conversations yourselves (in private or with a couple's therapist) than with playing these things out on a public forum and asking strangers what they think when your husband can come along and see what you're writing about him.
If my partner joined here and I saw her posting things about me and what a nightmare I am and how I'm really annoying her at the moment and how she doesn't know if I'm a good person or not and why won't I ever do anything on my own or make a decision about something etc etc...and she then asks random strangers what they think and then I see all these people wading in to give their view on me and what my partner could do about me – and all this is happening with my partner knowing full well that I too am a member here and I can see all this (mainly negative) stuff she's saying about me...I'm pretty certain I'd feel furious, hurt, betrayed, let down...and I would be so baffled as to why she has chosen to take that action, air my/our dirty laundry in public and involve internet strangers in my life/our relationship when I am right there in real life to talk to! It would be harmful to our relationship – it wouldn't help to fix or improve anything.
Yes, plenty of people write about relationship stuff here – share examples of things going on, ask for advice and insight etc. But the huge difference to my mind is that the people they're writing about aren't going to stumble across it and be able to identify themselves (or their partner) in the posts. I don't see how doing that can ultimately do your relationship with your husband any good at all.
I don't think it matters that your intention in encouraging him to join was to for him to understand PTSD better and to get some support himself (ie not to read your posts). Or that you don't think he comes here very often. Or that you don't think he reads your posts often. He knows your username here so knows "who you are" here. Everything you write here is accessible to him. Anything you write about him here he can immediately identify it as being about him. And actually, you don't necessarily know how often he does actually come here or how much of you he is actually reading. You might think it's very little. It could be a whole lot more than you're assuming/than he's telling you.
I guess the other thing that comes to mind with your question about how to be nicer and more caring towards him....have you actually asked him how he would like you to do this? Has he pointed out things that he thinks are not nice/unkind/uncaring? If so, have you asked him what would have made him feel more cared for instead?
I don't mean to sound rude but I actually don't think the question of how to be nicer to someone in this context is rocket science. As someone else has already said in this thread, if you can identify that you are not being very nice/caring towards him, you must have an awareness of what you're doing that isn't very nice/kind/caring and you therefore have the awareness and ability to flip things around and do something differently.
You are, of course, free to write about anyone/anything you like here – just as we all are (well, within the policies/rules of the site!)
But you surely cannot expect that writing negative things about your husband when he can read them is going to improve things between the two of you?
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- Post starter
- #33
Gs172003
Diamond Member
I had already apologized to my husband before I posted this. I can't delete that other post because I'm not a member. It is what it is.
I am well aware that I should'nt have posted it. I SAID I shouldn't have . What I asked is how to prevent myself from saying things when I'm upset/triggered/etc that I will later regret?
Maybe it's time for me to step away from here.
I am well aware that I should'nt have posted it. I SAID I shouldn't have . What I asked is how to prevent myself from saying things when I'm upset/triggered/etc that I will later regret?
Maybe it's time for me to step away from here.
Before you posted this thread or before you posted the quoted reply? If it’s before you posted the thread then surely the answer is, if you’re apologising before you do it it’s a good sign you shouldn’t be doing it. And then you decide to not do it.
There’s nothing about PTSD that removes your ability to make choices about what you do. Even when triggered we’re responsible for our behaviour - if I beat my child after I was triggered, I’d still be responsible for abusing her and there would be a reasonable expectation that I manage my response to that trigger in such a way as not to hurt her. It’s about your decision making when triggered.
Your relationship with your husband is no different - you make choices in how you react and respond to him, even when triggered. I’m not sure whether stepping away from here is right for you or not - only you can decide that but you’ve been fairly challenged on the very behaviour you’ve asked people to tell you how to change. It may be worth reflecting on why that challenge would prompt you to think about leaving, rather than staying and changing the behaviour you don’t like.
From what I can see, behaviour in your relationship at home has spilled into your presence here - accepting the challenge you’ve been presented with here and changing your behaviour here might help you do so in your relationship at home.
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- #35
Gs172003
Diamond Member
Before the last question. After I posted the other post I made. It doesn't matter.
lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
Dead Link Removed
It's a very good workbook. And it's a workbook meaning you're actually working through the concepts. It's made for BPD but it helps PTSD as well. PTSD has many aspects of emotional deregulation and distress intolerance. It helps to stablize emotions and mood and what not and the concepts are ones you keep doing long after you've worked on them in the workbook. You deploy them in your life and it becomes just what you do. And it's a well used book. I go back to it every so often when I start to destablize a bit and it helps me to relearn these concepts and re-deploy them in my daily life.
This concerns me a tad. This is expecting him to basiclly play therapist. You have a therapist, right? I just wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking wrong here. In any case, husband isn't a therapist. He's there to support you but not to help you do the work. That's on you and your therapist. Expectations sets you up to be disappointed and upset and not cared about. Trust me, I've been there. But because he doesn't have the tools to be a stand in therapist and you are expecting him to be, when he can't, you are let down. Don't set yourself up like that. It took me a very long time of person after person abandoning me for me to learn (with my therapist's help) that I was expecting way too much out of people. Expecting them to do a therapist's job and when they couldn't I felt not cared about when it was me that set myself up like that to begin with. It took a very long time for me to learn this.
Yes, he is there to also work on the relationship but not that way. Communicate your issues and thoughts and feelings and fears with him. Lay out some boundries before hand. No hard feelings. No harsh words. No taking it personal. Active listening without interupting. Then, work together on these. Figure out on which ways are you expecting him to be therapist and in which ways you can work on the relationship and which ways he can. Communicate both ways. Same boundries for you when he communicates his feelings, issues, thoughts, fears etc with you.
I would also take him to therapy with you (if your therapist does couples counseling) maybe once a month or every 4 or so session and learn to communicate with each other and learn to work together on your relationship. I think you'll find yourself much more happy or content with the relationship. I think you'll feel more heard and more cared for.
Just my few cents.
It's a very good workbook. And it's a workbook meaning you're actually working through the concepts. It's made for BPD but it helps PTSD as well. PTSD has many aspects of emotional deregulation and distress intolerance. It helps to stablize emotions and mood and what not and the concepts are ones you keep doing long after you've worked on them in the workbook. You deploy them in your life and it becomes just what you do. And it's a well used book. I go back to it every so often when I start to destablize a bit and it helps me to relearn these concepts and re-deploy them in my daily life.
This concerns me a tad. This is expecting him to basiclly play therapist. You have a therapist, right? I just wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking wrong here. In any case, husband isn't a therapist. He's there to support you but not to help you do the work. That's on you and your therapist. Expectations sets you up to be disappointed and upset and not cared about. Trust me, I've been there. But because he doesn't have the tools to be a stand in therapist and you are expecting him to be, when he can't, you are let down. Don't set yourself up like that. It took me a very long time of person after person abandoning me for me to learn (with my therapist's help) that I was expecting way too much out of people. Expecting them to do a therapist's job and when they couldn't I felt not cared about when it was me that set myself up like that to begin with. It took a very long time for me to learn this.
Yes, he is there to also work on the relationship but not that way. Communicate your issues and thoughts and feelings and fears with him. Lay out some boundries before hand. No hard feelings. No harsh words. No taking it personal. Active listening without interupting. Then, work together on these. Figure out on which ways are you expecting him to be therapist and in which ways you can work on the relationship and which ways he can. Communicate both ways. Same boundries for you when he communicates his feelings, issues, thoughts, fears etc with you.
I would also take him to therapy with you (if your therapist does couples counseling) maybe once a month or every 4 or so session and learn to communicate with each other and learn to work together on your relationship. I think you'll find yourself much more happy or content with the relationship. I think you'll feel more heard and more cared for.
Just my few cents.
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